Chapter 1

I knew that if she stared at me for too long, my heart would spontaneously combust. Then again, if I anticipate it, I guess my heart would combust willingly. It’s so hard to function beneath her jaded eyes. How can one person have such a hold on me? She lifts me. Higher than I have ever flew. My fingertips can almost touch the clouds; the whitest of them all. But when the day turns to night, I lose all touch. She lets me go and I fall. The stars shoot across the darkness. My body aches, even before I land. By midnight, I am in a pit of nothingness. The only sound worth hearing is her breath against my eager ear. She whispers, “Remember this part…” But how could I ever forget any of this?! “You have ruined me,” I scream. She has ruined my ability to wake up in the morning, my desire to be better than yesterday, and my hope in finding a sense of clarity in this corrupt world.

                I can feel the ground crumble beneath me. As if the fall wasn’t hard enough, she still has more in store. There is nothing worse than losing yourself to someone. They will swallow you whole and erase your entire existence. She cannot have me! She can find someone else to consume! My heart boils with rage and just when the ground dissolves into the darkness, I remain standing. This fire deep within my chest sends shocks throughout my body. Morning is coming soon and I refuse to give in to her words. She can’t have this part of me! Take the love I once had, the man I have become, and my fear of living. She can f*****g have it! No, these are not your tears! They are for the best of me; the better and the stronger.

                I see a soft light in the distance. The sun is rising and she is waiting for me to crush beneath her. Not this time though. There is nothing stopping me from leaving her depravity, her wickedness. I will never ask for your forgiveness when I leave you! She deserves nothing from me. There is a silhouette walking towards me, dancing on the sun’s rays. Her hair glimmers gold, her skin luscious, and the piercing glow in her green eyes paralyze me. I can no longer move. Every ounce of my body screams for me to run away. In the back of my mind, I knew I should listen. But it is too late, I have thrown myself into her gravity. The sun is high in the sky, surrounded by clouds, and I find myself reaching again. Please take me! Love me! Consume me! Please, I’ll give you whatever you desire!

 

I’ll give you the best of me…

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                It is difficult being the only person who knows the deepest, darkest secrets of another. You are constantly battling whether to use it as leverage or as a mental note within their presence. When I discovered that the universe revolved around her, I kept her demons to myself. The way I figure, at least I have something of hers. And she knows it, just as much as she knows me.

                Avira Maddison. Six syllables. Two words. One name.

                Imagine an average life of a 22 year old man, who has averagely funny friends, with an average thirst for adventure, and knew his fair share of average knowledge. Now take that average man and place him on the edge of a cliff. Don’t hesitate, just kick him in the back and watch him flail through air like a bird with a punctured wing. That’s me; Grayson Evers.

                She represents every fire-breathing dragon that barged into my life. So it’s hard to ignore or to disregard every choice I made after that icy night in December. I know that most love stories begin on New Year’s Eve, at some obnoxious party with ridiculously drunk people you’ve never met. Honestly, I think I knew, at the most, three people there. Despite all that, she was absolutely, without a doubt, hands-down, the most captivating woman I had ever laid eyes on. I don’t mean this in a ‘cupid came early-shot me in the back-weak in the knees’ type of captivation. Crock of s**t, if you ask me. Watching her was like witnessing a car crash, except it never actually crashed. So it was more like an ‘anticipated’ car crash.

                At the time, I was standing next to my girlfriend and cradling a half empty beer. Jade was entertaining one of her psychotic friends, when I noticed Avira. She was dancing between two fraternity douchebags. They were paying more attention to her short dress and the fact that one of her tits was on the verge of popping out. Let’s not forget the red solo cup in her hand; the beer kept spilling everywhere. At this point, the tacky New Year’s crown was slipping off her head. I started scanning the room for someone, maybe a friend, who was keeping an eye on her. It was no surprise that no one cared about the mess she was making of herself.

                Jade noticed that I was fixated on Avira and she, as usual, made a desperate attempt to shift my attention to her. She took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. Now, I’m not one to strictly refuse when it comes to dancing. In fact, I don’t mind it at all. But on this particular night, I wanted to be in my shithole of an apartment. Jade was persistent about coming here though. So I caved when she mentioned free booze. As we made it to the center of all the chaos, Jade pressed her backside against me. She was obviously overdoing it, when I saw her glance over at Avira. Apparently, there was a silent competition. One that I, nor anyone else, was aware of. As drunk as she was, Avira soon realized this. That’s when she turned her backside to the other guy and made eye contact with me.

                I’m not going to lie; I was amused. Maybe even turned on, but I looked away almost immediately. Jade, my girlfriend of three years, was doing every seductive dance move she could think of. And as much as I wanted to be into it, I was getting annoyed because this is the typical ‘Jade’. It is not unusual that she would pull crap like this out of jealousy or for no reason at all. So when the song cut off, I was beyond relieved. One of the fraternity guys, I’m guessing the biggest douchebag of them all, jumped on a wooden coffee table to get everyone’s attention. It was ten seconds to midnight and the countdown began:

10…She ran her hand through her long, golden hair.

9…..I noticed a birthmark on the inside of her left wrist.

8…..One of the douchebags ran his grabby hand down her backside.

7…..Jade tugged my arm in excitement.

6…..Avira resists the fraternity guy.

5…..He gets rough.

4…..I pry away from Jade’s grip.

3…..Avira steps back as I shove him.

2…..We made eye contact again.

1…..She kisses me.

 

                Unlike all the romantic movies women watch, this kiss was not the best kiss I have ever had. There were no fireworks, no sparklers, no crowds cheering in the background, none of that. In fact, it was the exact opposite, besides everybody yelling ‘Happy New Year’. As soon as her lips crashed into mine, Avira wrapped her arms around my neck. My hands found her curved waist and slowly I pulled back. I watched her arms fall to her side and the green in her eyes grew dull. It may seem that I did not want this, but in all honesty, pulling back was probably my least favorite thing about that night. Avira slipped away, weaving through the celebration. As I turned around, Jade’s hand flew across my face and I watched her run out the front door. Why the hell did she just slap me? Didn’t she see me pull away and Avira run off? Then it dawned on me, women only see what they want to see. Yup, that must be it.

                So I stood there contemplating what to do or who to check on. It would make sense to check on my girlfriend of three years, but she just slapped me for doing something that I was supposed to do. My annoyance with her was already at an all-time high. If I went to check on Avira, who knows how she’ll react or what condition she is in. My third option, obviously my favorite of them all, was to do nothing and go home. It was where I wanted to be to begin with! So I eventually figured that I could do all three: check on Avira, find Jade (possibly ending in an argument), and then go home. I turned in the direction where I had seen Avira run off to. The chaos was worse than before Jade and I started dancing. I kept bumping past people, trying to find her face. There was no sign of her on the first level of the house. That’s when I ventured upstairs. The overall crowd wasn’t that bad; just a lot of couples making out or trying to find an empty room to hook up.

                I passed a bedroom where the door was halfway open. Something told me to turn back and check, so that’s what I did. When I opened the door all the way, I saw her sitting on the edge of an unmade bed. One of the straps of her dress had fallen off her shoulder. Avira was hiding her face in her hands. I approached her by placing my hand on her shoulder. Her head snapped up in surprise. I was expecting to see a tear stained face with makeup everywhere, but she looked perfectly fine.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I stepped back.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about…all that. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

                She stood up from the bed and adjusted her skin tight dress. Unsure of how to respond, I just shrugged my shoulders and sat on the bed. I was expecting her to stumble out the room and back down to the party. To my surprise, Avira slipped out of her, what appears to be painful, heels and sat next to me. Our shoulders brushed against one another, sending a jolt through my entire arm.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, honestly.

Avira began picking at her unpainted fingernails, “The same as everyone else.”

I laughed, “Getting wasted beyond recognition?”

She smiled, “Hard to be unrecognizable when everyone around here already knows you. No matter what state you’re in.”

“Then why are you really here,” I pondered aloud.

                The moonlight crept through the bedroom window and served as her personal spotlight. Her olive tinted skin shone bright; the green glow in her eyes ignited. I felt like I was solving a mystery on one of those criminal shows and this was my biggest discovery in the case. Avira’s gaze met mine and she let out a hopeless sigh, “Have you ever challenged yourself to completely forget who you are? I don’t mean acting out against all the beliefs or theories you dedicate yourself to. What I mean is, have you ever truly known who you are to where you want nothing more than to be someone else?”

I adjusted on the bed to face her dead on, “You mean, literally become someone else? Take on a whole new identity?

“Imagine being so sure of who you are as a person, a lover, a son, a sibling. Now take that certainty, take that person, and erase them entirely. Who would you be?”

Her gaze never left my face and I could feel my face grow warm, “I guess I’d be-“

“No. No guessing. WHO would you be?” she asked specifically.

“An artist who traveled the world, living off small jobs, and meeting new and interesting people,” I answered without hesitation.

Avira placed a hand on mine, “See? You’ve thought of this before, but probably didn’t believe you could entertain the thought.”

“Well, what do you believe?” I asked in a shaky voice. Her touch was intoxicating, like a burning flame.

“I believe that deep down I am a good person who follows the rules, who hangs out with the right crowd, and who listens to her intuition 99% of the time. I also believe that I can be better, greater than this,” she motioned towards herself.

My eyes lit up, “I think you looked better yesterday.”

“Yesterday? I was just wearing jeans and Nirvana t-shirt,” she laughed.

“Maybe so, but it’s better than this. If you want to be someone else, changing your clothes does not change who you are.”

The look on her face was priceless. It was as if she never expected me to respond in such a way. Her hand tugged gently on mine, “I think I’ve underestimated you, Grayson.”

“So, you never mentioned who you want to be…”

Avira stared out the window, “I want to write. I want people to read my words, relate to them, find hope in them, and live fully because of them.”

“Do you write?” I asked, bluntly.

“Academically, yes. But passionately, sadly no…” she whispered, disappointedly. “Do you paint?”

I could not help but laugh, “I highly doubt that finger-painting in sixth grade counts, do you?”

“It could be a start. You never know,” she said as she burst with laughter.

                Avira leaned against me as she giggled at the image of me finger-painting. I could feel her laugh vibrate on my arm. When our laughter settled, she remained against me and fell into some sort of comfort zone. It just seemed to feel right touching her in the subtlest way. Without warning, Avira stood up and grabbed her heels on the floor. I could tell that she saw my disappointment. Slowly, she bent down to whisper close to my ear, “Be who you want to be. Be it now, before it’s too late, Grayson.” When she pulled away, I stopped her by holding her arm in place. Our nose’s were less than an inch apart and I could feel her breath against my lips. My other hand brushed a strand of hair out of her face and rested on her cheek. I leaned in and our lips fell together eagerly. She tasted divine. Just as our tongues met, Avira slipped away. She stood in the doorway with her lips hidden behind her fingertips. The hunger in her green eyes burned holes right through me.

My heart felt like it dropped a dozen feet from my chest and left me sitting on the edge of some frat boy’s bed. She was gone and in that moment, I finally had no idea what to expect next. The only thing I knew was I needed to be who I wanted to be.