Trapped

If you read this, make sure to think of it as a conversation.

Why do I keep on trying, when you've shown me where we stand?
Is there something I'm missing? Did I forget something that you told me? There has got to be something I've forgotten, because I am taken completely, and you're quite content with where we are at the moment.

She's my angel, you guys. She always has been. Through papers passed in hallways, bleeding with the ink of one thousand feelings, and through freezing our asses off in order to spend as much precious time with each other as we could, we've made it here.

We fight, bicker, argue like an old married couple that can't hold their frustrations in. The funny part of it is, I knew that this would happen again, but she will not let me leave.

We're not even dating. That's the sad part, I guess. We're "best friends", though I will NEVER settle for that, and she will NEVER agree to more. Don't get me wrong. She did not friend-zone me. She did not manipulate me. She did lead me on a few times when we were younger, but that was her nature. It wasn't the lead on that made me love her, though. It was those moments where she let her guard down, when she let me in.

She swears up and down that no one ever got in, but I know that I did, which would explain her insistence that I stick around. Distance kicked in, as did age, and we drifted. Like feathers, we drifted away.

She would say we were torn apart. That I left her, and dropped her, but I know that she only feels that way out of misplaced anger and hurt. She loved me, I know that much for sure, but I had to go. I found someone else, I failed with someone else. I built a life apart from her, and she hated me for it. I wish that I knew, I would have come back. I always come back.

She called me a dog once. I laughed the first time she said it. "You take off like a dog, barking at any bird that came your way," or something to that order. The thing is, I don't. I over think, plan, and act. I don't take off, I waft away. It's only because I leave when she doesn't pay attention, that she thinks I take off. It usually takes her a few days to realize that I've gone again.

Hmm, I like that. Chained to a love that is unfulfilled, he silently disappeared while she took his patience for granted. I've done it a lot, but only when she begins to act indifferent, passing it off as stress or unhappiness.

Tonight, I texted her.
I said that we don't talk as much
Indifferent response
I said that it reminded me of before
No response
I said that I wished we talked more and she said that she gets busy. She stated that if I just tried to talk to her, she would get to me as soon as she could. Thing is, that's what I do. Every day.

Then, the old couple arrived. We fought, or rather, she fought. I've learned that arguing with her will only make me feel worse.

And then, I decide to leave. I want to leave, because she is using me.

Not for anything physical, not for anything emotional. I'm just there. She wants me on standby. Unacceptable.

As soon as she realizes that I'm leaving, instant response follows.

Excuses, excuses, phrases used often to get me to stay, excuses, and finally the messages that imply something, but never truly say that things will change.

If there was a way out of this, I would take it. I don't even understand the situation anymore. So, I leave the conversation alone. Soon, I will leave again. I will continue to build my life away from her, despite my love for her.
If there were something I'd forgotten, I should have found it by now.
I guess I'll have to admit someday that I've been cunningly trapped.