Life Goes On

Sometimes when you search for somebody to heal your pain they only hurt you more.

It doesn't seem like that long ago that everything fell apart. We aren't a family anymore, we all became acquaintances after she left. Was life even suppose to be like this? Am I suppose to be out searching for somebody who would love and care about me like you did just in a different way? I don't see how it's fair that the first person I lost was the only person I could turn to and trust, and to think I'm not the only one who went through this breaks my heart. There's so many pieces to pick up and put back together, but im not even capable of doing it so how can I except somebody else to be?

It's not like one day i'll wake up and forget about my past. As much as I want to memories of us would still linger just like your presence. Why you had to leave of all people still remains a mystery to me. Then again, that's all life is. Am I in a sick fantasy or a beautiful nightmare. I could be throwing everything away dwelling on the past, or pushing my life over the edge to bring you back to me.

They tell me something different everytime but it's all bullshit. My feelings don't seem real. I don't feel like I belong in this body. I stopped checking for monsters under my bed when I realized it was inside of me. I could scream all I wanted but I'd run out of things to say. I could run all night only to find out I had no where to go. Losing somebody before you get to tell them everything you've ever wanted sucks. There's no word to express how I feel about it. I wanted to sit down and talk to you like a daughter would with her mom and actually understand what she was trying to say. It's been proven to me once you get close to somebody they leave. Your left with nothing except mermories and a broken heart.

I'm desperate for change, but when is that ever going to happen? It's the same sad song, the same slow dance. I turn to others to heal my pain of losing you only to get hurt even more.

When I thought I finally found the one I let you walk all over me. I bled for you, I made happiness impossible to find for myself. How could you not feel me reaching out to you? I don't know anybody who would want to walk in your shoes. You f**k up everybody lives like their yours. Patients isn't something you'll ever understand or want to. When I was having fun I was waiting for you to bring me pain. Hypnotized in your words that "fighting brought us closer", it didn't occur to me to just get up and leave. When I finally did you pulled me right back down with you. I was lost in a world that only involved you and your ideas of a good time. I blocked out my feelings for everybody to focus on you, yet that wasn't good enough. Can't you realize nobodys going to love you until you love yourself?

Your influence on me destroyed positive thoughts and happy tears. But I couldn't be happier to say you're gone, and I'm finally strong enough to not come back.