Chapter 1

Well s**t. 

S**t s**t s**t s**t s**t s**t. 

My chest heaved as I ran through the street, darting around people and desperately trying to not get grabbed by the guards who currently wanted my head. I spotted a particularly crowded area and a slim alleyway behind it. Perfect. My small size combined with my skill of getting out of tight places (literally and figuratively) made it easy for me to weave through the crowd. 

I was just about to reach the alley way when something wrapped around my forearm and twisted it painfully behind my back. I bit my lip and turned to see the face of the crown guard staring down at me. S**t indeed. 

“Nice try thief,” she spat at me. I squirmed around trying to get my arm free but any movement just made my shoulder twinge. I bit my lip, and gave the woman the best glare I could muster. 

The crown guard just smirked before yanking me back and further away from the alley, I stumbled over my feet, earning a chuckle from the guards who were pushing the public away though they were crowded around us, “Do you know who you stole from?” 

I didn’t give her the satisfaction of an answer, instead choosing to continue to glare. 

“You stole from the king’s right hand.” Oh. Oh. That explained a lot. It explained why there had been so many guards that had watched the noblewoman. It also explained why she looked so familiar. “She had recognized you, from your previous acts against members of the court.” 

That made my heart stop, I had never been caught before. Ever. How did she know who I was?

“Cerla, may I talk to the girl.” A voice sounded from behind the crown guard.

“Of course.” With that the woman I had robbed stepped up. She had an evil, possessive glint in her eye. A shiver went down my spine, whatever this woman wanted, it couldn’t be good. 

Cerla nodded to some guards behind me, “Bind her.” Without warning I felt a course rope being tied around my wrists. It was tightened to the point where it bit into my skin. Then Cerla let go of my arm. My entire body was screaming at me, get away, run, get away from them. I was completely surrounded but I started running. 

I only got a step in before I felt a hand wrap around my neck. Then I was lifted into the air. I struggled for breath as I was brought face to face with the woman. She was holding me so I was eye level with her. She was strong. The hand not holding me up came to stroke the side of my face, “What interesting eyes you have.” Her emerald eyes bore into my own purple. 

My eyes were the only part of myself I couldn’t change the coloring of. I was a druid and we all had the ability to shapeshift, or shift for short. I had always been okay at it. Not the best, but not the worst. My eyes were my worst sticking point. It made hiding among the humans much harder. Our peoples had been in a state of war for centuries. We used to live in harmony, our magic and their ingenuity working together to create great cities. 

Then the humans found magic of their own. It wasn’t drawn from light like ours was, but instead from darkness. We never figured out how exactly they created their sorcery, but we did know that it made them greedy and cruel. Without the need of our magic, they cast us out of our homes. We fought for months before fleeing to the forests. The humans seemed okay with our new residence for a while, but about 20 years ago they began chopping down trees and any of us they found. 

The hand around my throat tightened and I squirmed and kicked trying to get out of her grasp. “Perhaps the king will allow me to keep you, you are quite a pretty little thing.” No. No way was I going to become this human’s slave, plaything, possession. 

My struggle weakened as my airway was further constricted. Just as the last piece of darkness was going to click into place, Cerla spoke up, “Perhaps you should let the girl breathe.” 

With that, I was dropped. In a split second decision I made out of desperation, I created a blinding flash of light, using my magic, blinding everyone in the vicinity. I ran. I ran faster than I ever had. And I only had one goal, the forest, I needed to get into our village. I dived into the crowd, the people screaming and gasping as I forced my way through. The guards stood dumbfounded, rubbing their eyes for a moment before I heard Cerla ordering them to get themselves together and to chase after me. 

I was so happy that I was on the outskirts of the city, the forest just outside of the wall. I quickly found that running with your hands tied behind your back isn’t the easiest thing. Spying the wall, I sprang into a full on sprint. I knew my way through the forest like the back of my hand, and chose a cave that was nearly impossible to find, and was, luckily for me, almost right inside the opening of the woods.

As I was just about to exit the city, something plunged into, and through, my thigh. I gasped and looked down to see an entire lance sticking through my leg. Blood poured out of the wound. I forced myself to keep moving even as a lance spiked my shoulder. I groaned as I felt myself slowing, feeling the intense pain even through the adrenaline. 

And then I saw it. The waterfall. If I just made it to the waterfall I’d be ok. Well, I wouldn’t be found. I would definitely not be ok. But that was a problem for future Kyrie to deal with. 

With the last of my strength I stumbled into the shallow lake at the base of the falls, thanking the gods as the cold dulled the pain for a moment. I was almost to the water fall when I felt something wrap around my heart. 

The noblewoman… She’s a sorcerer. Ah, f**k. I had only heard of this spell in legends. It ripped your lifeforce out of you. I pushed on even as I felt all of the light leaving my body. I made it through the waterfall and into the cave when everything went dark. 

Reviews

[JayG]

• Well s**t. S**t s**t s**t s**t s**t s**t.
What you’re doing is transcribing yourself telling the story aloud. And when you read it, you hear it as-you-would-speak it. But that’s not remotely close to what a reader “hears,” given that they have no idea of how you intend it to be read. Have your computer’s narrator program read this piece aloud to hear how different what the reader gets is from what you do when you read.

• My chest heaved as I ran through the street, darting around people and desperately trying to not get grabbed by the guards who currently wanted my head.

Because this is your story, and you know who this is, where we are in time and space, and what’s going on, it makes perfect sense. In fact, the words act as a pointer to the image you held as you wrote it, along with backstory on the character and the situation, all residing in your mind.

But the reader has what they already know of the story—in this case, nothing—and what the words suggest to them. So for the reader, the words act as a pointer to the image you held as you wrote it, along with backstory on the character and the situation, all residing in *YOUR* mind. But since you’re no there to explain, as it’s read…

The short version: You can’t use the skills of verbal storytelling in a medium that doesn’t reproduce sound or vision. The problem is that for you, it works perfectly, so you you’ll not see it till it’s pointed out. The cause, though, is something you share with pretty much everyone who sits down to write a story, and is unrelated to how well you write, your talent, or the story.

After more than a decade of sharpening our writing skills in school we make the natural assumption that the word “writing” that’s part of the profession we call, Fiction-Writing, points to that skill. But it doesn’t. It points to the skill-set of the Fiction-Writing profession, which is not at all like the nonfiction skills we’re given in school.

Why did we write so many essays and reports in school? To prepare us to write the essays and reports that employers mostly want from us. Our teachers spent zero time on things like the three issues we need to address quickly, on entering any scene, the elements that make up a scene, or something as basic as why scenes end in disaster for the protagonist.

The goal of the kind of writing we learned there: To clearly, concisely, and dispassionately inform the reader. Thus, its techniques are fact-based and author-centric.

The goal of fiction? As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And no way in hell can our school-days writing skills do that. To accomplish that takes a set of techniques that are emotion-based and character-centric. And how much time did your teachers spend on that? 🤨

So the solution? Add the tricks the pros take for granted to our existing skill set. After all, since we learned to read, every book we’ve chosen was created with them, so we expect to see them in action. In fact, we can tell in a paragraph, often a line, that they weren’t used. More to the point, your readers can tell—which is a great reason to spend a bit of time on your writers’ education, right?

Will that be a list of, “Do this instead of that?” Naa… It is a profession, after all, and learning any profession take time and study. But…the learning will be a lot like going backstage at the professional theater for the first time, and filled with. “But wait. That’s so…how could I miss something so obvious?” And that’s fun (well, till the tenth repetition makes you feel foolish). And the practice is writing stories. So what’s not to love?

And in the end, it makes the act of writing a lot more fun when the protagonist becomes your co-writer and whispers suggestions and warnings in your ear.

There are lots of paths to take. Obviously, a degree in Fiction-Writing would help, if you have her time and money. But there are also, workshops, conferences, retreats, seminars, and the public library, whose fiction-writing section is filled with the views of pros in writing, publishing, and teaching. That’s where I’d begin, with the basics.

My personal recommendation is an older book that’s still, by far, the best I’ve found at clarifying how to create scenes that will sing to the reader. And happily, it’s free for download on the site whose URL is just below:
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

Read it slowly, with lots of time for practicing each point, so you don’t read it, nod in understanding, and forget reading it a day later.

If you’re uncertain, the articles in my WordPress fiction-writing blog are based on that book for the most part.

So dig in. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Audrey L]

Hi! Thank you so much for the review! I'm actually still in high school and I write mostly for fun. However, my Dad is a published author and reads through and edits every one of my chapters. He has found no issues with what you're describing although I totally understand where you're coming from.

Again, thank you for the review, and I will be sure to take some of the points you made into consideration.

[JayG]

As someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service, and meaning no disrespect to your father, anyone who reads your work and doesn't remark that you're using writing techniques inappropriate to the medium quite probably needs to read that book I recommended.

Writing a novel and placing it on Kindle or Smashwords, yourself, doesn't make you a published author, because there's a lot more to publishing than that.

[Audrey L]

Thank you, but I'm completely serious in the fact that my father is a published author. He only has one book that has been published but you can view it here - https://www.amazon.com/Guesswork-Scott-Lininger/dp/1937070212 It was published by Martin Brown Publishers.

Again, thank you for your review, however, I am a complete believer that a lot of fiction writing is completely up to the author as how they want to write it. That's what makes writing/reading interesting to me. You can pick up any one book and have a completely different experience.

I apologize if that came across as rude, but I personally really like the way I write although I am very aware I am not in anyway on a professional level. Thank you for the advice.

[JayG]

• I am a complete believer that a lot of fiction writing is completely up to the author as how they want to write it.

Were that true they wouldn't offer 4 year majors in Fiction-Writing college. Do you really think that the nonfiction writing practice you get in school will teach you the skills it takes four years to learn in college? So yes, you can write in any way you care to, unless you want to please a reader who you expect to choose your work to read over that of people using the skills of the pros.

Remember, a sincere belief in something has absolutely nothing to do with it being either true or false. Does the writing skills you're learning now prepare you write a screenplay? No. Does it ready you to work as a journalist? Again no. So why assume that the writing skills that don't work for those professions, works for fiction?

And, we no more learn the necessary skills by reading fiction than you learned to cook by eating, or paint by looking at paintings at the museum. Fiction-Writing is a skill you learn, just like any other. And there's a lot to it that's not obvious.

To get a yes from a publisher, who will invest significant money in readying a given novel for market, you have to write so well that were your first ten pages mixed with that of a dozen authors whose work is in the book stores right now, not only must the editor reading them not be able to tell that yours the one written by the unpublished author, because you have no one looking for your name in the bookstore, your work must be the best of them.

Unfortunately, no matter the strength of your desire, and certainty that you're right, you're not going to guess at the necessary writing techniques because you're pure of heart and worthy.

At the moment, in the publisher and agent's offices they reject 99.9% of what's submitted, most of it on page one. Some of your competition, there, will have been refining their skills for years. Some will have sold their work before. Can you compete with them with nothing but high school writing skills and a strong belief in yourself. Naaa.

Bear in mind I'm NOT trying to discourage you. In fact, it's the opposite. And I'm not giving personal opinion. Before I retired people paid me to learn why their work was being rejected. I've taught at workshops, have been offered and signed seven publishing contracts, and have 29 books in print now. So I'm just a bit experienced. If you want to see if I follow my own advice, and how badly I write, My Father My Friend, is free on Smashwords (it's listed as $2.99 because Amazon insists that it have that price, but most people set their price at zero)
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/906013

• I personally really like the way I write

Everyone loves their own work. But it works because you cheat. When you read the first line you already know who's talking, why they're upset, where they are, and what's going. So for you, the words are a pointer to images, situation, backstory, and story, all waiting and ready in your mind.

Your reader? For them, the words are a pointer to images, situation, backstory, and story, all waiting and ready in *YOUR* mind, not theirs, which helps them not at all.

It's not a matter of how talented you are, it's that talent is potential, and an untrained,but talented writer has no advantage over one with no talent.

To give you an example of what you're missing, take a look at the article linked to below. It shows how the viewpoint of different protagonists in the same situation can dramatically change the readers perception of the scene.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

[Audrey L]

Apologies, I think I may have misunderstood some of your previous points and this response allowed me to understand a bit better.

One thing though, I am literally a fourteen year old writing for fun. I have no plans to make this a career in the future, having more interest in physical therapy and engineering.

Despite that, you made some very very VERY excellent points that I will take into consideration in the future. Thank you so much for your input.

[aether]

Ok ok ok, I love this so much, the plot is AMAZING so far, this book might as well be my religion.

[Audrey L]

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much :)