Nobody Said It Was Easy

Another vignette I did for class. About the difficulties of living with ADD/ADHD

 

                        I’ve been told countless times that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I thought people were right about that, but I never thought that something would be ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. A mental illness that many people don’t even believe exists.

            People think that being ADD is easy, that it’s just a label others stick onto themselves to get attention, or to excuse their actions. They don’t understand that our brains are wired differently than theirs, and that a lot of the time we get something else secondary, such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or that a lot of us fall into that gifted and talented group, mentally isolated from everyone else.

            While everyone else has a train of thought, I have a bunch of boxcars on fire zooming around in all different directions. I can be talking to someone and also be thinking of two other things at once. I’ll change the subject I’m talking about in the middle of a sentence without noticing it, or just completely stop talking altogether because one of those other boxcars has caught my attention and I’ve forgotten you’re there. Sometimes my words even come out distorted, slurred, or in the wrong order because my brain is going faster than my mouth, and things just get confused on their way out.

            I can’t finish anything I start. I bounce from task to task as I easily get bored with the last one. I’m always fidgeting, shaking my leg, tapping my fingers, twirling my pencil. My filter doesn’t work like other people’s. I ask personal questions, irrelevant questions, make tactless observations, blurt out random things at inappropriate times and can’t stop myself form doing it. It’s not a thought to do these things, it’s an impulse. I’ve already done it by the time I realize that I even planned to, and often question the logic of it later. People often mistake this impulsive behavior with bravery. I’ve gone bungee jumping, danced alone on a stage in front of 400 people, stood up to people who put me down, read embarrassing papers out loud in class for no reason other than because I had an impulse to do it, not because I wanted to. I’ve also said a lot of stupid things, and hurt a lot of people. And I can’t take any of it back.

            I don’t remember not being bullied for being this way. I’ve been bullied by other students, by teachers, by my family. Anyone with a name and a face. I’ve been made fun of, out casted, and ignored on a daily basis for as long as I can remember. People tell me that I am too weird, too hyper, too annoying. They say that I have a big creative imagination like it’s a bad thing to be ashamed of, and constantly remind me how irritating my inquisitive, problem-solving nature is. People give me looks as if I’m crazy, or stupid. They look at me as if I am the most confusing thing they have ever seen. They tell me that I’m not normal for being who I am.

            On top of this, I have anxiety secondary to my ADD. Some people who are also like this get all of the symptoms and a whole new disorder to go along with theirs. But luckily I only have a few symptoms of anxiety. Panic attacks. They’re not as frequent as some people’s are, only three or four times a year. But they’re terrifying all the same. I start to hyperventilate, and my body shakes uncontrollably. The room is suddenly a lot warmer than it use to be, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I panic and think that if I don’t stop feeling this way soon then I am going to die, or go insane. I start to hit myself, to bite myself, to kick anything in sight, anything to calm myself down and bring me back to reality. The longest panic attack I ever had was 3 hours.

            I take 20mg of Adderall at 6am every morning before school so that I actually pay attention in class. It leaves me with a parched throat all day, and unable to eat anything for hours until it wears off, no matter how hungry I am because if I try to eat I feel nauseated. The doctor says I’m already skinny enough, and if I don’t force myself to eat then I will lose too much weight and become sick. I feel the need to be doing something all the time, no matter how boring it is. If I’m not then I feel trapped. I’m less tolerable of my friend’s playful annoyances, and sometimes I fear I hurt them by being so stolid. No matter how tired I am, my brain is going a thousand miles per hour as if I’m on the edge of an epiphany, and by the time 3:30 rolls around I am exhausted from so much mental stimulation but I’m unable to sleep.  It isn’t until 6 or 7pm that it starts to wear off, but then I’m left with a headache for an hour.

            My boyfriend doesn’t it like it when I take Adderall, and is really quiet when I bring it up if he’s not going off about how easily I could hurt myself by taking it. I appreciate that he cares, but no one makes me take it. My mother doesn’t hand me the pill every morning and tell me to be a good girl at school today. I asked her to be tested for ADD, and I chose to try and treat it with a prescription.

 People look at me like I’m crazy once again when they learn about the side effects, but to me it’s worth it. I don’t procrastinate anymore, which is the only reason I ever make low grades. I don’t zone out randomly, I’m able to think before I speak. I don’t get panic attacks.

            However I almost never take Adderall unless I am at school, because despite all of these things, I have never looked at being ADD as a bad thing. It’s how I connect with people. A lot of my friends are also ADD, and so are my mom and brother. To me, ADD isn’t a disorder, it’s a part of who I am. It’s a challenge that I face every day. It’s a difficult one, but it’s mine

Reviews

[Sarah Ramsbottom]

ADD is a huge factor in my life. I suffer from it, and as it now turns out so does my 3 year old son. It is something that makes people pass judgements, but it also is something that allows one to create. Embrace it.. :)