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Elle slowly walked the halls of her new high school. She watched as all new faces swarmed around her, and her brain tried to commit each one to memory. It was difficult though; her brain was out of practice when it came to her gifts. People looked at her the way they always did; as though she were innocent. Her midnight black hair made her look as though she were emotional or depressed. That was what hooked most of them. Then her eyes entranced them further- an emerald green. Her pale complexion made her eyes and hair pop, and the thoughts of the other student's filled her mind as some complimented while others grumbled in jealousy. It was difficult for Elle to focus on any one remark that filled her brain. They were jumbled together like a conference room full of diplomats who couldn’t agree on anything.

 

As Elle proceeded down the hall, she did her best to ignore the thoughts that flooded in and out. A simple white long-sleeve shirt covered her upper body, and in her arms was a pre-calculus textbook. Her light blue skinny jeans clung nicely to her lower body, and a rather expensive pair of Ugg clogs covered her small feet. Her black hair was held back by a clip, keeping her overgrown bangs out of her eyes. The thoughts grew louder as she entered her classroom. Most stared in awe. Elle kept her eyes forward, a blank expression over all her features. She was relaxed, maybe a bit too much, so it seemed. She felt she had the world ahead of her, and its people bowed at her feet. Though his or her thoughts did, she never realized that it meant she had control over anyone. It was easy to gain control though, especially for Elle. Her height added to her appearance for lack of dominance; she stood at a mere 5 foot.

 

As she approached the desk, she waited for the woman who sat there to address Elle. When she didn’t, Elle spoke. “Excuse me, Im Elle.” She said. The woman looked up, her eyes shifting uneasily. 

“Elle…?” Elle loathed when people inquired her last name. 

“Elle Charles.” She said, grumbling under her breath. The woman nodded in understanding, and began to shuffle through piles and piles of papers on her desk. Elle began to tap her foot impatiently. Finally, she seemed to have found what she was searching for; it was a manila folder. Elle quickly noticed that Elle’s full name was on it. She glared unintentionally at the woman. When she looked up to Elle, her face was expressionless once more. She handed Elle the folder, and pointed over to the only empty desk in the room. Elle nodded wordlessly and moved across the room. The desk she had been assigned smack dab in the middle of the room. Everyone watched as she sat down and pulled a notebook and pencil out of her bag. She could feel their eyes. That gift had never faded. She had made use of it for as long as she could remember.

 

After Elle was situated, she looked at the folder. Elizabeth May Charles. She sighed internally before taking the erased of her pencil to it. The folder then read Elle May Charles. She smiled with satisfaction and moved on. The woman at the front of the room began to speak. “Hello class, and welcome to another great year. As most of you know, my name is Mrs. Roberts.”

 

 

Author's Note

Ah. Complicated was supposed to be complimented. Thanks much, J. Ghalden.
I do have a problem with over using commas and semi-colons. Though, I will take your advice in swapping that out for the hyphen. Thanks much again. :D

Reviews

[J. Ghalden]

Grammar nazi-ism, COMMENCE!
ere emo, or depressed -- no comma
further; an em-- Just a little side-comment from my grammar nazi stuff, but try not to use the semi-colon so much. Havent even finished the first paragraph and this is the third one. Just for reference, try and switch between using the ';' and the '-'. The hyphen can be used in its place, and it doesn't make the semi-colon look like its used too much, so try swapping between them for a change of pace :)
filled her mind as some complicated while others grumbled in jealousy-- It doesn't sound right to me xD ((Though for this one, I could be wrong. >.)
“Hello class. And -- comma instead of period.
OKAY so now that the grammar nazi portion is over, I'd have to say that it intrigued me. These are definitely the types of stories I go for too, which is why I'm going to keep on reading. There were some problems, but nothing major. Kind of like your use of the semi-colon, but don't worry about it. Actually, I used to have a huge comma fetish, putting them EVERYWHERE, so you definitely aren't alone on the overusing of grammatical instruments front.
To the next page I go!!! (Hope this was helpful.)

[Summer'sBreeze]

i love this!
can't wait to read more!

[Jamie Raintree]

This is a great start! Very impressive for your age too.

I like the description you give of Elle in the beginning. She's very intriguing even to the reader, even more so because of the way others react to her. "That was what hooked most of them," was my favorite line. Very intuitive!

This is a great character piece. Talking about Elle's gift and how she erased her full name goes a long way to hook the reader and made me want to know more about her. As a first chapter, I would have like to see a little more action...a little more hook. But your prose overall is fantastic.

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

Great chapter, love how you're building Elle May's character! Excellent

[KAREN]

Nice chapter, left the reader wanting to know more about Elle May.