Pungent Lips

A poem about my true love, Anna.

There she was, standing there.
I had been looking everywhere.
Why did she come to me on such an occasion?
Would it be just another persuasion?

How dare she do that to me in the past.
We had times of fun, they were blasts.
O 'twas the sweet nectar of her lips.
O 'twas the jeans with their rips.

Why did she do that, why did she care?
I was so very close to her underwear.
As I came near, she was moaning and groaning.
She could not wait to get a taste of my boning.

I was so very close to her fabulous lips.
They peaked through the cloth and showed their tips.
As I finally got there, I realized with grief.
She had let out a little queef.

Immediately I began gasping for air.
I had inhaled a bacteria lair.
The stench was as great as it was foul.
And then she let loose of her bowel.

The ever so strong stench of feces filled the room.
I threw up as she retrieved the broom.
I ran out as soon as I could.
Though perhaps it was not something I should.

For now that all has been done.
I am now having no kinds of fun.
I just wanted a simple taste of her lips.
The lips that were beneath the jeans with the rips.

Author's Note

Let me know what you think!

Reviews

[JayG]

You need to stop thinking of rhyming as the purpose of the poem, with meaning a bias to the poem's direction. Rhyme is is important, but incidental, a way of establishing a drumbeat. Done well, the rhyme will seem almost accidental, the rhyming words perfect for the thought.

Here, you're using rhymed couplets, which can give the feel of a rocking horse if continued too long. Of more importance you're forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme. It can be made to work, as it is in the lyrics of the song, The Twelfth of Never, but only if the story and the thought being conveyed are primary:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-twelfth-of-never-lyrics-johnny-mathis.html

You also need to look into prosody, which makes the words flow, as they say, trippingly from the tongue. Without it, as here, it too often limps.

[Deep Meaning]

Thank you for your constructive criticism. I'm glad that you enjoyed the material to the point that the only fault that can be found is the repetitive rhyming.

[Deep Meaning]

But I do see many faults with this poem in the way it flows. I just don't know how I could explain the situation in a flowing way...

[JayG]

Like any other endeavor, you can't wing it. Take a look at the excerpt on Amazon for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. You need what he can supply.

[Shy Joe]

Ha Ha Ha! I'm a sucker for comedy and you have vacuumed me right in. Although this could be borderline vulgar, it is wonderfully done! I have so much respect for anyone that can make me laugh out loud with their writing and you have just done so.

Greatly enjoyed this! Thank you for sharing!

[Marianne Rose]

Well, a little too shocking for me, revolting actually, though I'm sorry to say that - probably what you intended though, right, to lead us down a path thinking one thing, reversing this image and turning something romantic into something ugly? I would rate this one mature, myself, never know who's reading here. Explicit and daring, it does capture the idea of wanting something so badly and the shocks we receive along the way when those wants turn into something uglier than we ever expected.

[Top Reviewer]

The imagery is so vivid it's ridiculous. Wow.