Dear __,

Writing this letter is the only closure I can get. Even if you'll most likely never read it.

Dear __,

Hey, it's been a while. I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you lately. Not because of your calls, you've been on my thoughts before. Actually, I was playing guitar, venting out my conflicting thoughts about you when you called me. It was such a strange coincidence..

And now it's driving me insane, so I figured I would type my thoughts out. 

I could live with the fact that I'll never forget you, and honestly have moments where I think about you, but to have this happen was more than anything I could handle.

You interrupted my life, for a second you had wanted to talk to me, or to hear my voice again. The fact is that you still had my cell number and you still knew what it was. After two years. I think the fact that I didn't pick up made the moment a lot worse, not knowing what would have happened if I did.

I felt nauseous and excited at once, I started thinking more about you, the conflicted emotions came floating to the surface again, and the guilt just kept eating at my skin. 

You were my first everything and we were together for almost 5 full years.

But I came to understand that no matter how I feel, the past you that made me happy isn't going to magically make me happy now. I realize that now, and so should you (you most likely already have). I loved you, I can romanticize our memories, see all the good moments we had together, but I can't change that the reason I left was because I wasn't happy, WE weren't happy. Maybe at one point we were soulmates, perfectly aligned at the right moment, showing each other something that the other had been missing. But as we grew, our lives weren't aligned anymore. We were attending different colleges, I was commuting while you were dorming, our priorities had shifted. We grew apart, and sometimes we just have to accept that important part in life. Instead, we held onto each other until it grew unhealthy, twisting our perspectives of how our relationship was fine, when it wasn't. 

I don't miss our fights, in fact I can barely remember them, expect for those few that I'm sure are forever stuck in your head too. I wonder about you sometimes, not in a romantic way anymore, but in hopeful curiosity, wondering what you're up to now and what you have achieved. You were always talented, and passionate in what you were interested in, I admired that hard working trait in you. I'm sure that you'll get far in your career and life, as long as you're happy.

There are some things I'll always miss, like playing guitar with you, hearing you sing, singing with you, etc. My passion in music hasn't been the same since you left. I play and sing, but I can only enjoy it when I sing about you. I can only hear my emotions flow out to the surface when I play about you. It was pretty traumatic, what we went through in our last moments together. It ended badly, and there is nothing I could do to change that. No matter how much I regret it, or you regret what happened, had happened. I think that's a big reason why I'm still trying to overcome this hurdle. I don't want to be remembered negatively in your life, but I guess the majority of people look down at their past exes, seeing them more of a nuisance rather than someone they used to think of as important. You were an important part of my life, and to suddenly abruptly cut ties with you had been one of the most painful emotional experiences I had to endure.

I loved you, but we learn from our mistakes, we grow into the people we are through our friendships and experiences. I can say honestly say that I forgive you for what happened. It had been a horrible day, one of the worst in my life, but I forgive you. But life moves on, I'll take a step forward each day, and the more days that pass, the farther I am away from you and those memories. So goodbye, __. I hope that we both change for the better.

From, 

The girl who was your first everything.