A Casket on Bliss Ave.

I saw a homeless man on Bliss Avenue today, just past a hooker named ‘chastity’, or something clever

He was taking shelter from the rain in a casket leaned against a dumpster by the breadstore

I couldn’t help but stop and stare, as if holding the hand of Irony while she whispered curses that most -would call promises 

I found it sadly humorous to see how well he fit in that coffin- as if were built just for him

And the saddest part of it is that box of his is probably the nicest thing he has ever owned

 

Maybe he had a life once, maybe a wife and kids �" those things most live for

Maybe he had been a soldier, preacher, or a big Suit man

But now he just stares at the ground, counting the toes he could see through the holes in his shoes

 

As I walked away I said “Id give you some change but change aint worth a damn anyways.”

I thought to myself well, I guess he has a home after all, as fine as any can expect in the end.

Maybe that old man was just playing it well prepared  

Reviews

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I really liked the imagery in this one. The idea of the homeless man in the casket and personifying "Irony" were my favorite bits in this piece. The last stanza was also quite nice. You write with a beautiful clarity that shows you have a love of language, which I can completely relate to.

Suggestions: Mainly the format and form...this is one of those pieces that I think could be whittled down just slightly in terms of wordiness and perhaps put into a more structured line format. Still, form aside, you have impressed me with your observational skills and your talent when it comes to imagery.

[A.J.]

ah yes.. i see, my copy/paste seems to have got me on this one. are suggesting any particular poetic form to consider?

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Well, I'm mainly suggesting that the extra long lines tended to get slightly daunting. I would consider whittling them down just a little bit, which would also deal with some of the wordiness:

I saw a homeless man on Bliss Avenue today,
just passed a hooker, "Chastity" or something clever.
He was taking shelter from the rain in a casket
leaned against a dumpster by the breadstore.
I couldn't help staring, as if holding Irony's hand
whilst she whispered veiled promises I call curses.

Or something to that effect...by no means my final suggestion, just a vauge example of what I had in my head while I read this one.

As I said before, though, this was beautifully told in terms of concept and imagery. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[A.J.]

thank u!!!!

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

No problem...like I said, there is no correct way, just what popped into my head :)

[The Verse: A Poetry Jou..]

Excellent use of imagery and interesting metaphors. Very clear statements, a bit rough to read as a poem, but the issue is not your diction, just a bit of structure that (unlike your impressive talent) it can be edited.

[A.J.]

ah yes.. i see, my copy/paste seems to have got me on this one. are suggesting any particular poetic form to consider?

[The Verse: A Poetry Journal]

Well, your work is too free verse to format it under any form, but that's what creates your style. I suggest that you read it aloud, and break the lines where you feel it is needed. To create pauses and allow the images and words to sink into the readers. For instance, your first line split it at the comma, it will flow better and create a line rather than a sentence for prose! hope that helps.

[A.J.]

Ill give it a look tonight, and possibly submit!

[The Verse: A Poetry Journal]

Awesome, looking forward to reading your submission.

[littlewhitebird]

The part about change not being worth a damn was sweet and thought provoking; I liked that part. The flow was a little rough, especially around the end. I'd have explained the last two sentences a bit more. Overall though, I am enjoying this.

[A.J.]

thank you so very much. I promise I will be returning the visits very soon. Im having quite the busy few days, buts its slowing down.

[littlewhitebird]

aha yeah I know what you mean :3