Absent

It’s weird how when she looks at me my legs feel like they’re made of rocks, they get all stiff all of the sudden. She doesn’t look at me often, but I look at her very often. When I’m looking at her, I feel my eyes roll into the back of my head, and I look around in there for a million things. Inside of my skull I see her and I together, in a million different places, stretched out infinitely to every corner. Almost every little thing she does gives me chills. I don’t know what to do, honestly. My heart swells up and falls into my stomach when I’m near her. I want to shout at her and I want to cover my face with my hands; I want to cover myself forever, and I want her to be with me under the covers. I try to think that she is the same as me, but I am sure she isn’t. I wonder if she wonders of me, and I wonder about all the things she wonders about. I wonder about me. Thinking of her eventually turns into thinking of me. Am I her? Is she me? Are we the same? I don’t know. I know nothing about her really. I know of her long eyelashes, and her perfect hair. I sit behind her, and I see the perfect hair. The perfection is not a quality I have given it, it is simply a fact that I observe. I see her feet, gently slipping out of her shoes, as if her whole form is completely relaxed and flowing, like a liquid. She is liquid and I want her to be poured into the weird, misshapen container that I am. Does it matter? Afraid I am going crazy. Maybe I am exaggerating. I don’t always think of her, sometimes I don’t think of her at all for a long time. But the fact is that I always come back to thinking of her. She never leaves completely, she is only absent for a bit. That is who she is, Absent. And oh, Absent, I want to be with you. I think this is what I want. I hear her speak and I jump. My mouth gets dry, and I hope my brain knows what to say, and I hope that my mouth does what it needs to do. I have dreams about my mouth doing what it it needs to do, with her, with Absent. When I think of others, she is there, hovering in the back of my mind like a glow. I can’t help but wonder what she can smell like, what her skin would feel like with mine. Oh, Absent, please be Absent no longer! Just be with me, be nothing else.