Never Look Back

Why do I feel as though I am entirely alone, yet surrounded by people? The question is an enigma, created simply for the jesting of those enraptured in its snare. It is to no matter the implication, for it always seems to commence a chain of events one wishes to never have put in motion.  Setting that one cog turning on its path of monotony unveils a future one would hope never to unfold. Although many have found themselves pondering this same question, the majority of them throw the proverbial wrench into that abhorred cog stopping the cycle before it had really come to begin. However bright that aspect may be, the true story lies within the ones whose fate is condemned from the moment they let that cog take its first turn.

         Those who have lost the battle find themselves on an infinite hill, always seeming to try for the top yet knowing there is no such thing. Eventually they are able to create a façade that is nigh unbreakable by any excluding themselves. Therefore, it seems as though nothing is amiss and happiness is an emotion that they could actually undergo.  Despite the overall appearance of self-assurance, inside there is nothing left except the mere shell of what used to be. Sometimes a façade will slip and one will ask the most astonishing question. Are you okay? For that split second between the simple reciprocated, I’m fine, and the reply to that loaded answer; you hope. Hope that maybe they are the one who will be able to pierce the veil and find what you have hidden from the world. And yet all you receive is a smile, or the demeaning chuckle. And you know, then and there, that no one will ever understand.

         The first time I realized just how true the statement was, I retreated within myself farther than ever. That night I broke down like the many times before and the many to come, releasing the shield I have worn as armor against the world. Thereafter the music that once soothed and inspired now turned into my lifeline. The bass beating my heart, the rhythm moving my body, the lyrics speaking for me when in truth I had no will to do any of these things myself. Time careened on, as I further surrendered myself to the self-deprecating spiral that my inner turmoil and fear had created.  At night, I would find myself watching the stars and wanting nothing more than to crawl out of the shackles that my body had become and dance among them.

         Many a times I find myself pondering on how I can end this, plotting inexplicable things as an end to this madness. Sometimes I wonder what those who claim they are so ‘close’ to me would feel, how they would react. Funny thing is, I doubt they would even really care. Facades would be made to let everyone believe the lie that they cared for me, but I would know. The worst part, and the part that scares me endlessly, is the fact that I have no self-preservation left in my body. There is no hesitation when I think of it, nothing that holds me back; I am so resolute that it frightens me beyond belief.

         I believe that it is partly my fault that I feel this way, how could it not be? No matter how hard I have tried over the years it’s never been good enough. Yet, maybe if I were to have opened up and told someone everything. If I had bore my soul to someone so unrelentingly, and let someone truly understand me, I don’t think I would be at this point right now. But thinking back, I realize that it was fear that caused me to turn down this unforgiving trail. I was scared of what someone would think of what I would tell them, scared of how they might treat me when they finally figured out just how I felt. Hearing them talk so degradingly about those who have gone through the same thoughts and feelings that I have kills me each time. I envy those who had and do have the courage that failed me all those times I would try and tell someone the truth.

         As for those of you reading this, I would hope you have seen the reasoning behind changing perspective throughout the piece. If you have yet to come to this conclusion, then you do not see past the words within this paper. My descent into this darkness that I have represented was not one that I chose, no one would choose a path such as this. For those who are suffering, from this uncontrollable stampede of depression, you must know something. That feeling of emptiness, the hole inside your chest, will never fade. Years have gone by and still I can feel the dismal abyss tighten its web around me, slowly pulling me closer to the edge. One day I know I won’t be able to fight this pull, one day I will end up looming at that edge. I will look down and see the horrors of my life clawing at the sides, wanting to tear the last shred of humanity into pieces. This fate is irreversible, no matter the fight I may submit; my life is at the mercy of the horrors in my own mind.

Many will believe it had everything to do with me; I was just an unstable teenager that had the perfect life but never took ahold of it. If only people could see how much pressure I am under in every circumstance in life. No move I make isn’t criticized or commented on; no matter how hard I try it is never enough to please. To the world everything is perfect, but no one understands the fact that maybe if someone was truly there for me it would be a totally different situation. Their harsh words and criticism run through my mind daily, as if on some sick and deranged loop. No matter the number of people around, no matter how loud they are or what they are saying, I can pick out their voices and hear every word slipped between wet lips. They have no idea that I hear as much as I do, or maybe they would have been more careful of what was said behind such ‘closed doors’.

         Now, though, I still have time before I reach that inevitable ledge of light and darkness. When I get there I don’t know whether I will be relieved or disappointed, I do not know if I will try and fight to stay above ground. Hopefully I will have some form of coherency enough to stand my ground, or maybe I will not even hesitate to jump in headfirst.

         I know some days are better than others, some I can even find myself giving a genuine smile without having to put any thought into it. Then there are days where my soul is so close to the surface, so close to finally breaking free and travelling to where it can be relieved of the burden that has become my own body. Then there are the normal days, where I coast through life on the back burner. I never initiate conversation nor do I ignore one, I never smile nor do I laugh, everything I do is a front. Sometimes I hope that one of my friends or teachers will notice that my life is in such dire need of assistance, but at night when I am finally alone I know that no help is going to come.

         Maybe one day I will find someone or something that will give me the will to keep fighting. Softball could be that something. Yet all I hear when it comes to playing is how each pitch wasn’t good enough, each at bat I wasn’t trying hard enough. I know that maybe it could be something that could save me, but how can it when I know I am nothing special.

         I hope that you are able to use these words to your advantage. Take all of this and use it as a guide of what not to do, use it to free yourself of the binds that tie me down to this day. If you manage to break free, never look back at what your old life was like. Don’t ever think of what you were then, for you might just end up slipping right back down into this endless abysmal dread. As you go on with your life, remember this and make sure you never return to this point. Remember the signs, and protect those close to you from the same fate I seem to be bound to. I know that if someone were to come to me with such understanding, I would not still be mentally ensnared in Sisyphus’ eternal curse. Break free and live the life I wish I could, and whatever you do, never look back.