I Write To You

A Story by InfiniteLS

The last time Harry will ever speak to the man who broke his heart.

Dear Louis,

I've never been good at writing letters. One of the many flaws that is me, I suppose. Oh, and if you aren't Louis, could you please find him and give this to him for me? Think of it as my dying wish. Thanks. I guess I shall continue.

How are you? I hope you're well. God knows I'm not, but I'm trying to be strong. For who or what I don't know. You left me, Louis. You were my purpose.

Ugh, I'm sorry. This wasn't supposed to turn into one of those kind of letters. I was just writing to update you. I haven't seen you ever since you walked out of our flat eight months ago. But hey, whose counting? Certainly not me.

September 16, 2012. That was the day that you snapped, and I was there. God, was I there. I watched you struggle while we sat on our couch. It was a rainy day. A lazy day so we were on the computer checking things. I saw you get angrier and angrier as you scrolled through the twitters dedicated to Larry Stylinson- our 'bromance' as the fans call it. And I watched you pound the keys as you broke. As the brick wall came crumbling down as if it was made of glass all along.

"Larry is the biggest load of bull I've ever heard,"

Ten words typed furiously in a heartbeat's time.

I was sitting next to you as your body became a living flame. You typed those words with a cold fury I've never seen before. It scared me, Lou. The first time you have ever truely scared me. But, unfortunately, the worst was yet to come.

"You!" you snarled turning to me. Your blue eyes were so dark that they resembled a dangerous storm brewing. They popped and crackled with hatred. A hatred I had never seen touch those gorgeous jewls before. A hatred that was directed at me.

"L-lou?" I questioned hesitantly shrinking away from your unprovoked fury. It was a horrid wave of fire, Louis, it really was. And I was swept hopelessly into it's turbulence.

"It's your fault! All your fault they question my relationship with Eleanor. I'm happy can't they see that? C-can't they see that? I-i love her. I do," you were crying now, Louis. I'm not sure if you noticed, but you were. I hate to see you cry. Your cheeks burn red and your eyes grow dimmer, not wetter, with the threat of the tears.

You were crying because of me, and that hurt worse than the accusations you threw at me. Each tear that fell down your soft cheek was a dagger that ripped through me. Then, you yelled something that I never thought would come out of your perfectly plump lips:

"I hate you, Harry," you whispered coldly, your eyes hard. Tears were still streaming out of your eyes. Your voice dripped with venom. "I will always hate you."

After you finished stabbing those words through my chest, you stormed out of the flat we shared- the flat we grew as superstars in- leaving me bewildered- and behind. My senses became hyper-sensitive. I heard the crunch of gravel underneath your tires; I smelled the rubber you burned as you floored the gas pedal; and I felt the fear and hatred you felt towards me.

That was the last time I ever saw you.

It was Liam who found me. Quite frankly, I don't remember it. He said later on that my face resembled a ghost's colour, and I looked simply defeated. He also said that it was the first time I scared him completely out of his mind; I believe it. The only thing I really can recall is me screaming. (Which now that I ponder it, that would explain why my throat had burned like I had downed twenty shots of bleach the next day.)

He was there for me while I had the biggest mental breakdown in record. I screamed with ungodly fury at you and your stupid goofy smile. Crack. I yelled for your stupid pranks you used to play. Crack. I cursed you for being you. Crack. And most of all, I growled at myself. For being stupid and taking the plunge. Crack.

And after all of the screaming, yelling, and breaking some furniture, I broke down. Crack. The dam was demolished. Liam recalled later on that he had thought someone had shot me with a stun gun. I had paused in my tyraid- I think I was about to smash the coffee table- and had just fallen to the floor.

Completely done.

The last thing Liam really mentioned from that night that was peculier was that I never said that I hated you.

Never.

He held me that night. He whispered how it would be okay, and how you didn't mean it, and how you never meant things you said out of anger, and how you would deffinately be back by morning if not sooner. As he ran his fingers through my curls, the same way you used to do before our friendship became 'bull', I slowly was lulled to sleep in his arms wishing with everything in my weary body that it was you who was carresing me.

That was the only night of comfort I got, Lou. By the time I woke up in our flat the next day, alone in my bed as Liam had disappeared early in the morning, you had already visited management and called the boys. You had already signed the papers that officially stated that you quit.

It was all my fault, too. It IS all my fault. If I had never audtioned for X Factor then you four would be happy as One Direction or whatever name you would have decided on. There would have been no Larry Stylinson, and you guys could be living happily.

I had to watch as the others' dreams shattered, the shards landing at my feet.

Two days after the announcement, strangers came into our flat, Louis. They said they were sent at your request to collect your things and asked if I could please show them were your things were? I panicked. I couldn't give them your things! They were all I had left of you. Luckily for the movers Liam showed up when he did. I had started to shout at them and cry, apparently. It was another day I can't recall well.

I do remember waking up in my bed again. I bolted to your room. My feet echoed loudly on your hardwood floor. Your room only echoes when it's empty. We would know, we were the ones who discovered that before we filled the space up. You had never liked the echo much and were immensely relieved when it disappeared all together as it was filled up with the story of our lives.

I found one of your beanies sitting in the middle of the floor. I think Liam left it on purpose. I sleep with it every night. I hope you don't mind.

We tried to keep us together even without you, but it was hard. No one knew where you were or why you quit. Why did you quit? Was it really because of me? Or was it deeper? Either way, One Direction mutully split on October 16, 2012. A month after you left the band.The fans exploded. I guess 'Come Back 1D' was trending worldwide for a week from what Niall told me. I wouldn't know; I haven't been on my twitter since you left.

I lost you and my brothers over the course of a month. Everything we had ever worked for was gone in a single breath. It's amazing how quickly things can change. We weren't One Direction after you quit, and we knew it. I had to sit back and watch as Zayn smoked more and more, as Niall stopped laughing, and as Liam came home drunk every night.

I lost touch with Zayn first on January 2, 2012. Liam was second on March 23, 2012. Niall was last. I lost touch with him on April 2, 2012.

They would have stopped talking to me long ago if they knew, though. If they knew I was the reason their dream ended so short.

But, I won't be here anymore, thankfully. I'll be gone by the time the sun peaks the horizon. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer yesterday. It's the kind that eats your brain piece by piece until it eats the part that will kill you. The doctors said we could try and fight it. I'm young and quite fit; I could do it.

But, I don't want to. You took the fight out of me when you left. Seeing you everyday was enough to make me feel as if I could take on the world. And as a band, we did. We really made it, didn't we? That's an accomplishment. Finally.

It takes the memory, first. And at it's advanced stage, it most likely will. You know my main fear: oblivion. I don't want to forget. I can't forget One Direction and most importantly, you.

I think it's time you knew, Boobear.

The moment we first met on X-Factor was the highlight of my life. In interviews I would say being put together as a band, but really, it was that few precious moments in the bathroom that was the real highlight.

Your blue eyes are so remarkable. The way they always sparkle with mischief. They reselmble the finest jewels in the world and are the key to all of your secrets. Oh God, and the way your hair absolutely refuses to be tamed. You're freaking lips. Jesus Christ. They are so plump. I wish to lean in and kiss them everyday with every beat of my sick heart.

And your voice.

Your voice is indescribable. I know how much you suffered from the hate you got because people thought it was 'weak'. No. They are so far from the truth. Your voice was the one that gave a musical lilt to all of our songs. In fact, that missing musical lilt was the deciding factor of our split. In case you care.

I miss you. I really, truely do. I miss waking up to see tea waiting for me, I miss the way we used to cuddle, and I miss how you would use to hold me when the hate got too much for me. You always seemed like the strongest out of our little duo. It seemed as the barbaric words rolled right off of your defenses. But, in the end, even a wall made of steel must fall.

When you left and the boys were starting to drift out of my life, I started to cut myself. I know I promised you I wouldn't ever touch a blade again after you found me ripping my arms to ribbons after the Red and Black incident, but you had promised you would never leave. Eye for an eye so the saying goes. I don't like to do it, Louis! I just needed to let the pain out somehow!

I'm scared, Louis. I'm so scared right now. It's getting hard to breathe and my chest feels all tight. I took the pills right before I started to write this. But this will be so much better than forgetting. It will, I know it. I wish you were home to hold me, but let's face it, you're never coming back. This letter will be for naught. Strangely, I'm okay with it. I just needed to get my feelings down on paper before I left.

For two freaking years I held this secret. I watched you love Hannah and then fall for Eleanor even quicker, suffering on the friend side of things and- God D****t I wish my hand would stop trembling so you could read this properly!

Louis William Tomlinson, I love y

© 2012 InfiniteLS

Author's Note

Thoughts? :)

My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register

Featured Review

Oh Wow, Lovely.

Yes, My many thoughts! I Love the whole thing but then you got to go ,"oh why not kill Hazza". that was terrible then give him cancer! You are pretty messed up. Grrr. . this one annoyed me a BIT! Poza, well any way I want the next one and you have to promise me that you will NOT kill off anymore people oh wait you can't make promises YOU CAN'T KEEP. So my overalll review of this would be Make a new HAPPY one about how they will come out!! DO IT! you can have some emotional problems but at least let hazza and boo bear live together I man come on!