No Easy In Older

Reflection

The thing about growing up is how fast it happens.

When you're young, days drag, months never end, and seasons last a lifetime.

Now days fly by, months escape me, and seasons pass too quickly.

With hindsight 20/20, I wish they really had been as long as I imagined.

There were some kids who lived down the street before I moved.

I never played with them, I was a bit of a recluse at the time.

The only time I saw them they chased me on bikes with rocks clenched tightly in their hands.

I had a bike too, they threw and missed but never caught up to me.

I peered at them from the woods as they searched around.

Eventually, they gave up and started making hand gestures between their legs, laughing.

I didn't understand but, god, I felt alive.

We lived with my grandma for a few years.

The house was small and crammed, I couldn't say it was too comfortable.

I loved my grandmother, though.

Ninety-two and still able to go to work, exercise, and bake cookies for her eager grandson.

It helped me forget about how often my parents fought.

I started to make some friends in school.

One day they started talking about smoking.

They didn't mean cigarettes. 

He had gotten it from his older brother and we agreed to try it one weekend.

I watched them all as the smoke poured out from between their lips.

Soon after, all I could hear was laughter.

They had all become brain-dead, idiotic; these weren't my friends.

Sure enough, they weren't my friends much longer.

Girls were different now.

Physically and emotionally, there was more to them.

I was incredibly drawn to it.

During discussion, I heard the word hormones a lot.

Innocence began to fade.

Then I met seven people that became my brothers.

One of the cornerstones of my emotional strength.

There's never been much 'fun' in my life, but if there was any, it was when I was with them.

Nights talking about who we were becoming, what we were going to do, our destinies.

Or even nights just pulling pranks on the delivery guy, blowing off steam built up in the week.

I was genuinely happy, and they genuinely fulfilled me.

Those are a few years that I never want to forget.

What I want to forget is her.

Someone I once called my best friend.

The first person that I ever loved.

Ultimately destroyed me and left me to rebuild myself and my own faith.

I wish I didn't miss her, I'll probably never see her again.

Marlboro is my new lover.

I almost understand why some people smoke now, too.

But I don't mean cigarettes.

Higher education came and knocked on my door.

I knew what it meant; distance and split paths.

That was the hardest 'see you later' I ever had to utter.

The anchor holding my sanity down is that I know we're still brothers.

But god, do I anticipate the summers.

I miss them, but at least we still have those.

And then there's still her.

Do I feel wiser? Maybe.

I just know that I've realized a lot about people, about relationships.

That it's better to only spend time on people who would do the same for you.

My dad said that once.

But I don't know what the future has in store, and that's what's scary.

I don't know if I'm prepared for more pain or disappointment.

But if it yields more growth, more realization, hell, even a breakthrough..

Then I'll keep on steadily climbing towards my goal:

Being a person and living a life that I can be proud of.

Reviews

[...]

. it's an intense reflection ... amazingly detailed with vivid images ... i don't know if there is a universal method for transcending fear ... of anything ... be it failure or the intensity of emotional experiences that are debilitating in every possible way ... i just know from experience ... that ultimately ... what i have left ... is a meaningful life ... one that independent of anyone else ... is meaningful for me ... and at the core of it ... is the preservation of and hopefully growth in ... my own sense of humanity ... compassion ... love ... and ... passion ... is there pain ? ... yes ... there's more pain than there was ... is there conviction ? ... yes, there's more conviction than there was ... have experiences of the lack of sensitivity all around succeeded in demolishing my sensitivity ? ... no, they haven't ... have i looked more earnestly and found a rare set of sensitive people ? ... yes, i have ... i may not be happy ... but i am at peace ... i wish you that peace ... the kind that helps one cope with sadness ... that's an essential survival tool ... because all of us know how to celebrate happiness ...