Eleven

Lee & James Recover

Lee and James were recovering in the county hospital. They had initially been put in separate rooms but had told the nurses to allow them to stay in the same room so that they could go over what had happened, what they’d missed. Lee had guessed correctly that he’d been shot in his buttock. Actually the doctor had told him it was more toward his upper thigh. Either way the bullet had only narrowly missed a major artery, and had been stopped by bone. The doctor had said the only reason it hadn’t completely broken through the bone was that so much of the momentum had been taken out of the bullet, most likely by a combination of car body-work, seat and muscle tissue. Anyway Lee had in fact suffered a hairline fracture down the top part of his femur as a result, something whose pain, whilst dulled by the adrenaline in the moment was now infuriating. On top of that, something Lee hadn’t noticed at the time, he had suffered a bruised rib. The two men had both worn Kevlar on the trip (as per regulation) and there was a bullet found in Lee’s. The same doctor had suggested, although he could not be sure, from the nature of the bruising on the surrounding tissue, the bullet was the most likely cause. All in all, with the additional cuts and bruising from broken glass, Lee was pretty mashed up. The same could be said for James. The bullet that had caught him had unluckily just evaded the Kevlar. However, the exit wound could not be seen because the trajectory of the bullet through James’ body meant it exited into the Kevlar. Luckily it had not struck any major organs, and an operation on James on their arrival at the hospital had been able to stop the bleeding. Both men had gotten off very lucky. The same could not be said for the two men in the other vehicle. By the time back-up had arrived, Lee and James had pulled their friends out of the van and pronounced Brady dead. He had suffered several gunshot wounds which had evaded his Kevlar armour. Two of the shots had struck his head and most likely killed him instantly. Chuck had also been shot in the head, but the wound was only just above his left eye, and didn’t appear to have entered the brain. The man was unconscious. He also had a shot to his right shin and one on his left arm, just below the shoulder joint, which had travelled straight through and entered his body under his armpit. The final wound he had received was a shot to his left thigh which had hit an artery. The man’s heart-rate was incredibly low when he was pulled from the truck. In reality, both Lee and James were surprised to hear he hadn’t been pronounced dead at the hospital, however he still had not woken, after two days. Lee asked one of the surgeon’s why this might be, who told him that although the head-shot had not entered his brain it could still have caused a traumatic brain injury, the recoverability of which varies. Lee swung his body so that his legs were hanging off his bed. Lee had managed to convince the doctors to discharge him that day, although he was told James would need at least another week of monitoring and recovery before he would be able to leave the hospital. As Lee looked over toward his partner he could see why. The man looked in bad shape. His grey dishevelled beard did nothing for his looks and his eyes were haunted by heavy bags. His colour was noticeably paler than when Lee had first met him and upon engaging in conversation it was easy to tell the man was struggling for breath. He also tended to max out his self-administered pain medication which was an indication as to what condition he was in. Still, the prognosis was good, that despite his appearance he was in no serious danger and would most likely recover within a month.

‘Hey Nemo’ James wheezed, ‘When you’re out there get me one of those new Coke’s. You know the green one? Damn b******s don’t serve the stuff in here’

‘Sure, buddy’ Lee replied. He had no intention of traipsing around the shops to find a can but if he came across one he’d pick it up. Lee slid his boots over his socks and started tightening the laces.

‘Hey’ James said, gaining Lee’s attention, ‘You don’t think there’s anything we could have done do you?’ both men had gone over it in their own heads, and out loud, together. They obviously had a certain guilt that eluded through them, but had rejected the counselling offered by the state. Rationally, they knew there was nothing they could have done. They were out-thought, out-gunned and out-manoeuvred from start to finish. But still, the guilt remained.

‘No. You know what’ Lee sighed, ‘I really don’t’. Then he stood up and grabbed his jacket off the seat placed next to the bed. He caught himself walking with a slight tilt, a remnant of the pain in his leg. None the less he was glad to be free of the bed. He walked over to James’ bed, trying to remain as straight as possible. He patted James on the arm. ‘I’ll see ya in a few days Hot-Shot’,

‘Yeah, yeah. Don’t forget the Coke you a*****e’. Lee laughed and with a final shake left the room and headed for the reception to sign himself out. The near death experience, and combined rehabilitation that followed had definitely brought the two men closer. Lee still hadn’t found out why James was down there in the Cold-Cases, nor James why Lee had chosen policing as a career path. Lee had, however, discovered that James had been married and was no longer. He had a son whom he didn’t speak to and a brother in jail. He had told Lee of how he tried to visit his brother once a month. They shared things like that, but Lee hadn’t found out why any of these things were the case. As he approached the counter he caught the receptionist eyeing him up and down. She was a Mexican lady who had frequently helped him when he was in bed over the past couple of days. He smiled at her but she looked displeased. He reached the counter,

‘Hi Melissa’ she looked at his leg.

‘Are you sure you ok to go home Mr. Lee?’

‘I’m fine Melissa, but thank you. It’s just the pain that’s making me walk like this, I’m sure it’ll pass’. The head nurse came up behind Melissa and started handing him forms to sign, while signing a couple of sheets of green paper herself.

‘Right, sign these please.’ She pointed to a couple of the sheets, ‘and these’ she held up the green sheets she had signed, ‘This is a prescription for eight Vicodin ok. That’s one a day till next week, by that time the pain should have eased. If you feel you still need some come back in and we’ll have a look at you’ Lee held a thumbs up,

‘Thank you very much’, he then started to walk away,

‘No problem and good luck!’ Melissa shouted at him as he walked out the doors. He waved back and then in an instant he was out. The sun felt good on his vitamin-D deprived skin. He closed his eyes and let it warm him for a moment, before he started to walk out toward the parking lot. He had had a colleague park his car there for him, ready for when he got out. As he started ambling down the ramp he heard a woman shouting after him,

‘Lee!’, it was officer Sheridan. She was a relatively new officer who Lee hadn’t met until the incident. She had visited twice, once to offer her regards and the second time as a placement. It was customary after a shoot-out for guards to be assigned in case of repeat attacks. This was followed despite Lee and James’ assurances that they were not targets. The woman also happened to be a ‘Life Care’ administrator in the force. Effectively it was just a title that meant she told people how to get their s**t together. She was an average sized woman with a slim figure and bright ginger hair. Surprisingly, however she had managed to tan in the sun which suggested to Lee the colour was an attempted dye gone wrong. ‘Lee!’ she called again, so Lee stopped and let the woman catch up. She jogged up next to him and took a couple of seconds to get her breath back.

‘You’re leaving?’ she said, taking a last few pants. Lee felt awkward being so casually dressed while she was in uniform.

‘Yup. Discharged today. Woo!’ he made a sarcastic fist pump which the woman ignored.

‘Cool! So you feeling all better?’

‘Yeah mostly. Still a bit of pain in the leg, you probably noticed my walk’ the woman laughed, and nodded a bit too profusely for Lee’s liking, ‘sometimes I feel it in my rib as well but only if I turn a certain way. But no I’m basically fine’

‘Great, and how do you feel?’ Lee understood the question. She was asking about the mental side of his ‘recovery’. It wasn’t accepted with much vigour that anyone could actually be mentally OK after having a close colleague die in a gun fight. Lee actually was OK, other than all the people asking him if he was ok.

‘Yeah I feel fine Sarah’

‘What are your thoughts on the counselling?’

‘Listen, I’m really grateful for all your help I really am. But it’s just not for me’ Sarah was the one who had directly offered it to Lee and James

‘Common Lee, how do you know if you haven’t tried?’

‘Sarah…’

‘Just go once, you don’t know it might help?’

‘Seriously, help what? I’m…’

‘Lee, it’s ok to feel the way you do’ At this point Lee was getting fed up of the conversation so decided to bite the bullet.

‘If I go, will you leave me alone?’

‘Not a chance, but I’ll stop asking you to go’, Lee sighed heavily.

‘Fine, but only once’, he started walking off, leaving her on the ramp as he jingled around his jacket pocket for his car keys. Upon reaching his car he suddenly turned around.

‘Oh, how much work do you have on at the moment?’

‘What do you mean?’ the woman asked

‘Well with James still stuck in there I could use some help on the case. Would you be up for it?’

‘Uhm yeah sure, I’ll have to speak to my sergeant but I’ll give you my number’

‘It’s fine’ Lee said as he opened his car door, ‘I’ll find it. I’ll talk to you later’. Then he got into his car and slammed the door. He pulled his belt slowly around his aching body and started the ignition, waving to Sarah as he pulled away on his way to the only counselling appointment he would bother with.

 

Lee pulled up to the psychiatrist’s office in his dark red Volkswagen five minutes early. The car was different to that which he drove with James while conducting their investigations. None the less it felt strange to be driving at all without the other man next to him. It dawned on Lee just how used to James’ company he had become in the last few weeks. Lee parked the car and turned off the engine, but chose not to leave the car. He didn’t want to spend any longer answering this person’s tedious questions than he had to. He wasn’t really sure why he had agreed to come in actuality. Perhaps to preserve Sarah’s feelings, but he noted that he could have lied to the woman. Either way, having made the trip he wasn’t about to back out now. He grabbed his water from out of the glove-box and took a sip. Then he started to worry about if the psychiatrist was looking out his or her window. He wondered if his waiting in the car might be wrongly perceived as a sign of depression or something. So with that in mind he got out of the car and closed and locked it behind him. Walking into the white building, the automatic doors opened for Lee, making him feel as if they were waiting for him, an obviously irrational thought, but one that he felt none the less. He walked up to the reception. Sarah had booked the appointment for him and given him the card of the psychiatrist, instructing him to simply approach the counter and hand the card in, mentioning her name. This is exactly what he did.

‘Hi’ he said, attempting to gain the receptionists attention. An Asian man, he was looking down at something behind the counter which Lee could not see.

‘Oh hello! How can I help you?’ Lee handed the card over.

‘Uhm Sarah Sheridan booked an appointment for me I think?’, the man took the card and looked at it before placing it on the counter. He then looked to his computer and started bashing away on his keyboard. He did this for well over thirty seconds, so Lee began to think that maybe, through some divine intervention, he had been spared the encounter. But eventually a smile emerged across the man’s face.

‘Oh yes here you are. She should be ready for you now, just go up the corridor and knock on door 5, on the left’. Lee nodded and thanked the man before wandering up the hall and finding the correct door. He knocked and slowly opened the door.

‘Come in!’ the woman said, before swivelling around in her chair. She was a slim woman, with brown hair, wearing a tight-fitting, flattering black dress, professional but not overly-so. The office had a large bay window looking out onto a park, which obviously flanked the building on the opposite side to which Lee had parked his car. She looked at Lee with a questioning look.

‘Sarah Sheridan booked an appointment for me’ Lee said, trying to emphasise his reluctance to be there.

‘Oh yes’ the woman rolled her chair along to one side of the room without standing up, and grabbed a clipboard from the table. ‘Lee isn’t it?’

‘Yeah’

‘Why don’t you take a seat’ She directed Lee to a brown sofa, somewhat uncomfortable looking, placed almost awkwardly in front of the bay window. Lee removed his blue jacket and placed it on the arm of the sofa. Sitting down he noted that the sofa was more comfortable than it had looked. The woman rolled her chair slightly closer to the sofa and reached out her hand. ‘I’m doctor Fairwell, call me Jade’ Lee shook the hand.

‘Nice to meet you doc.’ The woman leaned back in her chair and clicked a pen she had seemingly pulled out of nowhere.

‘So, let’s begin shall we. You want to tell me what happened?’ Lee sighed.

‘Well I’m really only here for Sarah, she wanted me to come’

‘That’s fine’ replied the woman, ignoring the implication ‘What happened Lee?’, Lee begrudgingly started reciting the story,

‘Well, we were transporting some evidence and we were ambushed’

‘And what happened’ the woman probed further, obviously unhappy with the information Lee had given her. He had a feeling, though, that she knew what had happened.

‘We were in the tail car’ Lee continued ‘We managed to evade the road-blocks they set up and get out. There were two guys in the van up front and they couldn’t get the van out. They were shot-up pretty bad. One of them’s dead, and the other one is in a coma. We don’t know if he’ll ever wake up’.

‘I see’ the woman said after finishing her writing. ‘And how are you?’

‘I’m fine’ Lee replied ‘Ya know, I had a shot to my leg and a few scrapes and bruises but I’m ok’

‘And how are you feeling? Mentally?’ the woman enquired. Lee was happy that she didn’t feel the need for subtlety.

‘Yep I’m fine. You know just trying to carry on I guess’

‘How are you sleeping?’ the questions were coming fast.

‘Fine’

‘Any strange dreams or nightmares?’, this question for some reason caught Lee off guard. Maybe because it suggested the woman might actually know something about Lee.

‘Not anything outside the norm’ he said.

‘And what would the norm be Lee’ Lee sighed.

‘Look, I’ve had a few dreams about it, sure. But I’d say that’s pretty normal. It’s not affecting me’

‘Do you remember the dreams?’ she said looking up. He looked down to the floor.

‘Yeah I remember the dreams’ he confessed.

‘You want to tell me about them?’ He looked up into her eyes.

‘I see their faces. Chuck and Brady. With those bullets in them, and I’m trying to save them, but I know they’re already gone, ya know? They’re more memories than dreams really’ Lee suddenly felt the guilt. The one he’d been trying to ignore.

‘And how does it make you feel seeing them’ the woman had stopped writing now.

‘It doesn’t make me feel anything doc. It’s just a dream’ Lee snapped back.

‘Does it really not make you feel anything, or is that just what you wish?’ Lee ignored the question.

‘How is any of this supposed to help? And what is it supposed to help?’

‘A lot of officers go into denial. But it can help to talk it through’ Lee shook his head.

‘Nothing we say here is gonna bring them back OK? They’re gone. They are. That’s it. There really isn’t anything else to say is there?’ Lee noticed himself raise his voice.

‘Do you think it’s your fault?’ Lee shook his head again.

‘It’s not my fault.’

‘Do you feel responsible?’ Lee didn’t answer this question. He saw Brady’s face. Again with the bullet holes. He continued to look at the woman. ‘You aren’t responsible Lee, you know that’, Lee muttered under his breath. ‘What?’

‘I said of course I’m f*****g responsible!’ He found himself shouting, but the woman didn’t flinch. He stood up. ‘I am f*****g responsible OK. Me. Is that what you wanted to hear?’

‘Lee….’

‘I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t f*****g breathe without seeing them. And I am f*****g responsible. It was my case, I chased it. I brought the f*****g thing to them. And now one of them’s dead.’

‘You couldn’t have known’ Lee laughed.

‘You wanna know the truth?’ the woman looked at him, confused. ‘I did know’

‘No you didn’t’

‘I knew. I knew what would happen, and I went on anyway, because I wanted to see the people who were doing this.’ The woman didn’t say anything. ‘You wanted the truth so now you know’ Lee grabbed his jacket off the sofa and walked for the door. ‘This is f*****g ridiculous’ he said as he walked out and slammed the door. He walked straight out the front door, ignoring the receptionists call after him. He got in his car and lit a cigarette which he smoked as he drove home. He was trying to ignore what he’d said. He didn’t want to face the truth. That this guilt would never leave him. As he got to his flat he switched off the engine and stubbed out his cigarette. He climbed out of the car and walked into his building, pushing the button for the lift, trying to push the thoughts out of his head. On his floor he walked to his door, opening it swiftly with his key. He looked around his sparse apartment. He hadn’t been there in days, it felt lonely. He went to a cupboard in the kitchen and grabbed the bourbon. He poured himself a glass, on the rocks. He pulled the Vicodin he had picked up on his way home out of his pocket. He popped one out of the bottle and placed it in his mouth. Then he took a deep swig of the liquor, using it to help swallow the drug. He walked over to the other side of the room, glass in hand, and sat down on his own sofa. Staring out the window, trying to think about anything but the men’s faces. He could not.

He sat and drank like that for a few hours until the sun fell behind the horizon, and his only light came from a solitary bulb propped up on a lamp in the corner of the room. He occupied himself by spinning a coin on the coffee table. Over and over again. Eventually his concentration was broken by the sound of a letter being pushed through his letterbox. The building had a number of internal postmen, who sorted and delivered the mail to each tenant. Lee wandered over to the door and picked up the letter. Hand written was his name ‘Lee Harding’. He opened the letter, and unfurled the folded pieces of paper inside. As he read he let himself slide down against his wall until he was sat on the floor, with his back propped up against it.

“Dear Lee” It read, “I am writing to you on behalf of Emit Chuck’s entire family. We have been obviously distraught in recent days by the events and have, to our disgrace, been unable to pen this letter until now. I hope it finds you in good health and good spirits, truly. We were told by a number of officers the events which unfolded on May 4^th, and all immediately felt the need to send these letters. We wish to extend our greatest thanks to you and your partner, James Smith. Despite the awful situation my husband now finds himself in, I have no doubt that without your intervention, willingness to persevere, unwillingness to flee, and general actions on that day, Emit wouldn’t be with us, in any form, this day. If these actions have only had the effect to prolong his life for a few more days, or to give us many more years with him, it does not change what you did. I have been given the chance to sit with my husband in these challenging days, something I have no doubt would have been impossible without you. For that, and for fighting for Emit we all extend our greatest love and thanks.

Yours Most Sincerely

 

Elena (wife) and family of Emit Chuck”

 

Lee read the letter and broke into tears. He did not deserve it. Much less, he deserved the exact opposite. He sat with his glass of bourbon, his head tilted between his knees and sobbed. He threw his drink across the room, before scrunching up the letter and throwing it too. He was so angry. He thought he would never move. Eventually he stopped himself crying and stood up, attempting to walk over to his discarded glass. He heard a knock at the door. Followed by a voice,

‘Lee!? It’s me Sarah. I heard about what happened at the clinic.

Can you let me in please?’, Lee struggled over to the door and opened it. Sarah looked at him with clear pity. He turned around and walked back to the sofa, sitting down.

‘You were right’ Lee laughed ‘Guilt’s a terrible thing’ he said as he let himself fall down into a lying position on the sofa. He immediately fell asleep. At which point Sarah closed the door and started nosing around the apartment. Entering Lee’s bedroom she saw on the wall, a mind map of case files and images, notes and newspaper clippings all stuck on one wall. In one of the cupboards she found some blankets, which she brought out to the sofa and put over Lee as he slept. She then noticed the discarded letter. She picked it up and unfurled it. She cautiously read it, aware that she was intruding into Lee’s life, a man she barely knew. She finished reading it and looked over at Lee. She then placed the letter on the coffee table in front of Lee and went back in to the bedroom. There she started examining the notes on the wall. The detail inspired awe in her. She sat on his bed and stared at the wall and decided to stay until the morning. She was eager to hear the sober man’s explanation of this chaotic linearity which was a clear reflection of his own mind’s workings.

Author's Note

Trying to build character a bit