Letter to self

Dear Sui,
It would be impossible to count as to how many times I have written to you. The number of pages and letter out there written that may never reach you. I wonder how many of them say the same or similar phrases. Sui the road has been closing in, and it no longer it seems I can continue. The past few weeks have been hard to keep this journey the pain is not what it was when we first started to walk this dark, lonely road. The older I become, the smaller my hopes of one day being normal dissolve. My emotions are disappearing, but the feelings that come with them are still there. It sounds impossible, doesn’t it? It was not always like this, and I am now trying to figure out why it has become this way. I'm changing in ways I am not comfortable. I curious to know if it’s just the medications I am now on. I am now afraid of going off them and what awaits for me at the end. I have noticed how my body feels better, how I smile more, and it’s not forced nor real, it’s not me, and even though my body feels alive, my chest is empty. My heart feels as if it were gone entirely from my body no longer at my reach, as if I am storing away all the emotions, I should be feeling at the time waiting to explode at any moment. How much can and will I store away inside before it comes back at me. I fear I may have started something I will not be able to handle later on. I hope I am wrong, and my doctor was correct in prescribing me those medications. I hope he did not help me set myself up for the end of it all. To once and for all hit more profound darkness than those I have encountered the last 20 years.
I no longer see or hear the girls in my head. They may have caused me pain but protected me in their own ways. Without them, I would have never learned the things I had or seen those around me for what they really are. I fear they may no longer be in me it has been weeks since I last saw them. I have met her today, and I don’t know why she seems to be me. I can see myself struggling to be free. Fighting, scratching my face, pulling and trying to open my arms and unable to move from the spot I was at. Floating above I watch her in this dark open space as she stood there screaming and crying. I looked insane as something you would take out a movie. She fought to free herself as if she were tied up with an unbreakable invisible robe. Is that how I feel is that what I am right now. While watching myself my heart did not ache, and my body felt nothing, but I could feel a tear fall down my right cheek. I have tricked everyone around me for years to believe I was fine and hid from them what was in my head, now the meds are playing tricks on my mind. My mind is aware something is not right and is reaching out to me with a tear and image of me smaller than ever unable to move due to the medications. Does this mean they are working or is it telling me that I am lying to myself and pushing who I really am away killing her inside?
I have thought of death more and more the past few weeks, but I don’t want to die. I found myself looking at my meds a few times and closed them as soon as I caught myself. The person I was born died years ago, and that who I came then is now being destroyed after centuries of being her. I am becoming emotionless, is that even better than having too much.
Today is freezing cold, cold enough for one’s body to feel as if it were becoming numbed and able to be decapitated as I have felt most of my life. Today as a smoked across the street from work in this cold I remembered how as a child I would picture this world to be an illusion I was a part of. Do you remember how I would feel as if maybe the matrix was somewhat real and thinks that perhaps I was actually sleeping somewhere dreaming all that was going on? It felt as it was not possible for everyone to seem happy and live lives that seem to be enjoyed when I was unable to feel and look like them. How I hated the way I looked and that when I awoke, I would be a beautiful you lady hidden from all and those who wished to hurt her. The times that I also felt as I was the only one in the world that actually was real. That it was not possible for others to live happily and smile at the world we were in. That every time I left a room everything and everyone in it would stop moving and when I enter it would once again come to begin. Not sure as to why I would have such thoughts or pretend as if they could actually happen. I am not ignorant nor am I someone who is insane but someone who does not understand those around her.
I come to be tired of it all now and don’t know why. I am afraid of this new person I am becoming. It is someone I no longer recognize and don’t care for. I have lost 18 pounds in less than a month without trying. The stress is getting to me my hair is falling out, and I continue to smoke cigarettes like crazy. I can’t stop smoking and no longer have an appetite. It’s 7:12 pm now and all I have had today was two cups of coffee and smoked over one pack of cigarette. It has become my regular meal of the day. I'm aware it is not healthy I do wish to eat healthier but how can I if I am no longer hungry and want to eat anything? I am trapped inside my mind and want to speak up to others and tell them of this world I live in, but I am unable to find the words to express myself to them. It’s not as if they will listen to me or care as to what I have to say. I blame the fact that I am one of the worse writers in the world who has no clue as to how to captures other's attention. There is so much in my head that may help them understand or maybe scare them but describing and explaining things are not easy for me. All I can do Sui is write to you, and I hope that one day you will have better luck than I have.
Sui, I no longer plan on asking questions which may have driven you crazy within the past. I feel stupid for asking you and him the same questions over and over as if anyone will actually answer them. As if anyone can actually hear my thoughts and help me.
January 11,2019 7:34 pm I am sitting here in front of my screen feeling as if my heart should be racing at this moment. But I can’t feel my heart at all. what is wrong with me? I am craving a cigarette and just finished my second coffee of the day and feel nothing but emptiness in me. I’m not sad, happy, angry, but empty inside how can people think I am okay with this. It’s becoming annoying of everyone asking are you alright why the face? I blame school, work and lack of sleep when in reality it’s me inside my head my lack of emotions and self-worth. The worst part of this all is not being able to see my future but being able to see myself dying as if it were nothing. I wish I could live a long happy life; this mission is frustrating and annoying when that in your head is against you.
The worse part of living in this world is that no one outside is able to hear us nor care for us unless we are big and famous. This depressing world is only mentioned when those who are
famous are suffering or have committed suicide, we, on the other hand, are forgotten as if we are not a part of it. Why are they merely the ones that are spoken of as if they are the only who suffer?