What it has Been

Something I must have the courage now to show to the world.

            For some time now, I have in all actuality understood and known what my key character fault was and in all factual manners have not done anything to change it.  I chose for around seven years of knowing it, to I want to say simply did not think about it but it was in fact one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  The simple question to ask myself about this is “why didn’t you just stop?” and my most hurting answer would be.  “Because I am so afraid of why its apart of my being in the first place I can barely stand facing it in my mind let alone stop the action.”  Terrified of even admitting a quality of your self has been something that has plagued me every day.

            I remembered while contemplating this writing, it has literally been months since the thought has even entered my mind until tonight.  And with how introspective I tend to be, not thinking of something I know that relates to who I am is rare.  I know I have accomplished in many other areas of change in my life.  I now genuinely care for almost anyone I come in contact with.  I say almost because like with all things it is a process.  I am witnessing daily how I can now be happy for no reason other than breathing.  Everyday these things may sound; they are honestly some of the most important things in life, to me anyways.

            Even now as I attempt to expose at last this flaw of my self, as I try to think of words or memories I quite literally see a black grey fog in my mind.  I have effectively put up a 24 hour road block at every single corner, and now must pass something impassable.  I am asked questions, and for all my effort can only give them empty responses.  For all my emotional sea, is in turmoil as a storm of the century rages over, and within it. 

            The aspect of my personality, character, being, self, ego, whatever name associated with who I am, that has been the direct cause of: every perceived failure; every event of regret; all of my perceived shortcomings has been the unwillingness to ever fully commit and dedicate all of my self into something.  I have never been willing to commit fully to giving everything I had, because I know if I did I would succeed.  A question I have to ask myself is “why on earth would you not want to succeed?!”  And the answer is because once I give everything my all, and succeed; my ‘alter ego’ will be no more.  And this is a survival mechanism for a consciousness.

            I am terrified of succeeding in my life because it will change my current life, so scared that even writing this is taking me minutes per half of a sentence.  I have begun to slowly talk about certain aspects concerning this particular well aspect.  I realized while doing this, this ridiculous dilemma I have put myself in, that it has affected me since beginning this writing more then any other thing in my life.  My mother once went to the hospital the day either before or of my birthday for a brain aneurism.  I had heard what could happen but I wasn’t scared, I didn’t lose my appetite, I didn’t lose sleep or lose the happiness I would have.  But this event, I’ve eaten randomly, once or twice in two days.  It doesn’t sound like much but I don’t lose my appetite unless I’m sick.  I slept deep last night but it didn’t feel rejuvenating in the slightest.  I have been more intensely unhappy, and troubled the last day and a half than I have been in a very long time and it is affecting my health, skin, thinking and I don’t have the usual sensation in my body as I usually do.  I mean to say when I have say a back ache, which I think do right now, I am not really feeling it.  Would I go so far as to say that my sense of physical pain is numbed right now?

            I have had many collapses in emotions during this time; I will be driving and suddenly need to wipe both eyes because I cannot see the road through the tears.  I’ve left the company of others planning to go be alone somewhere and found I couldn’t stand to be anywhere, so I just drove home and crawled to bed. 

            Not being able to sleep of course once in my bed I lay still and ponder on the course of events up to this point: not worrying of what others are thinking about me or my work; understanding that it was only at best a matter of time before I was forced to look at this; and that I knew going into it that it would be one of the hardest things I’d ever do.  It truly has been with out a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve had experienced.  So many wonderful things are going to happen all from this one event.  I cannot help but think on these things for it is the knowing they are all at my disposal after this that keeps me going.

            Being able to have the determination I have in my heart in all aspects of my life.  To know at my core that every thing I set out to do can be done, and the only request this partaking of knowledge demands is my equal share in time and passion.  Both of which I plentiful amounts; I continuously strive to grow in passion and patience.  Health, being able to run and enjoy myself while being active is something I have missed greatly or should say have always wanted to feel.  Playing instruments, all of those which interest me I will learn and play with ease and consistently.  Learning languages from around the world as I travel, while I stay in one area, and learn how to connect with other people in their own lands, with their own language sounds magnificent beyond many other things to me.  To write a set amount of hours every week to help complete and begin the process of getting my written work published and spread out will be a dream as long as there is a monetary system to demand such publishers.  Being comfortable in my own skin, to look out of my eyes and see what I want and know that where I am is exactly how I like it.  And in doing that, an even greater self opening will occur one that I fear will be just as hard or more of a challenge than my current undertaking has been.  In fact I know it will be more difficult, and I cannot wait because what comes from these two experiences is something I would have five years ago never even believed possible for me to do.

            Documenting this event as it has taken place in my mind and heart has been something of a daunting task for me, at each line I struggled wanting to simply shut off my computer and walk away not facing it further.  I would stop typing to clench my fists and lean my forehead against them trying not to shake from the previous lines truth. 

            I have been in all my chosen perception, a coward in this instance.  And I do believe that it is time for this life, this now human life, takes the lead.  Take the lead into the most beautiful oblivion ever imagined, one that you can walk around in while visiting with friends and family.  Having that fact in mind, I repeat, that fact in mind I will now begin to give the things I want to do and accomplish in, every thing I have got in order to achieve said accomplishment.

            I have spent now three and one half days wrenching all that I could out from my heart pertaining to this aspect.  I have shaken, and convulsed almost from the pain and turmoil it has caused within my body.  I never expected it to truly be the hardest thing I have ever done before beginning.  But alas it has been such and my body has the scars to prove so though proof is not of any concern to me now.  The moment I finish this paper, I begin my altering of this aspect totally and completely.  I will take my life’s opportunities into mine own hands and begin to utilize them to my lifetime’s limit.  I have sensation in my back again; it’s tingling, and dancing.  I am ready to take a new kind of step in my life, a step fully dedicated and one that will begin the snowball affect until my death.  All of that which I learn from here on out will be the beginnings of the lesson I am meant to learn.