Dream of Aching Forgivness

            I cannot remember this dream well; it isn’t a perfect memory that gives me details and meanings to dissect.  But I had it last night, and when I woke up my heart broke.

            The idea, of intentionally hurting someone emotionally, is so out side my realm of understanding I discovered.  In the dream I remember one part clearly and one part only, a friend dipped her and toyed with me asking me if he should kiss her.  Kiss her, minutes before I had to leave the state to return here to my forests.  He was laughing at me, provoking me over and over I thought of hitting him once, twice, a third time.  I held back each urge but only just, lunging forward and only stopping by gazing at her.  He dipped her further and kissed her full on, tongues fighting with one another, her willingness broke my heart as I slept.

            I do not know what possessed me to not wake up, certainly I have before, pain is not wanted usually and most definitely heart ache is never wished for.  But I stayed myself and let the recognition of it being a dream fade, and it continued.  The dream begins to fuzz here again; scenes of airports, hurried travel, and blank minds are there though nothing more.

            I find it hard to comprehend the idea now, hurting someone intentionally as this friend did in my dream.  How do people not feel what they have done, how do they not see the crumbling in the peoples eyes, how do they not sense the overwhelming heaviness of the air when their hearts sink to the floor?  If they see and feel these things, how do they suppress their anguish from being the creator of such pain, how do they close their minds and hearts so utterly that despair which they have caused is of no concern?  It is a concept that I have discovered, I do not comprehend.

            The next scene of this dream I recall clearly is somewhere unknown, perhaps a mountain cabin, or a small hotel room made up nice, I am not sure.  I am with her; I lay beside her on a single queen sized bed, simple linens on it with two pillows waiting for weary minds to rest upon them.  I have mine underneath my sorrowful mind she lay beside me with an arm under her head, as she and I stare at one another, it is not an awkward silence, you have to feel awkward with the person for that to be accomplished. 

I held no animosity towards her for what she had participated in; it was so odd a feeling.  In my youth I would have screamed, but now all I could muster to say to her was to ask her something, “Why did you do it?” She could not answer with words, her eyes filled with tears and she mouthed “I don’t know.”  My eyes likewise tear, I feel her sorrow of believing she betrayed my love for her, and I feel my sorrow of being targeted, targeted to be crushed and crushed I was.

I do not know what true forgiveness means, but this dream showed me a possibility of the path it could show me, should I discover my truth to it.  I do not wish to hold negativity within myself to unleash at another time.  I feel the drain it puts on my soul now, and it is a far greater volume than I am willing to let happen. 

She looked at me, her eyes large and open letting me in to her in a way the word intimacy could ever describe.  I returned her gaze just as open, wanting her to see me as I see her.  We clasped hands slowly and commit with out words to one another, and she smiled.  It was a beautiful smile to see, she showed me again what I fell in love with, she showed me her face with the perfect expression, to match an understanding that some may call perfect but what we called, love.