A Sorrow

A sorrow always feels like the world crumbling to the one experiencing it.

I have said when I feel hurt, by something very small it is meaningless and ridiculous.  I have said it my whole life, pertaining to many things, but have I said it too many times, to too many things?  Is a sorrow of one ridiculous to others, maybe?  But is a sorrow felt by one, ridiculous to that one, never.

I make many choices, daily and as I move through out my days things change in front of me and around me.  But do any one of those changes affect my spirit except the ones that have touched it?  Do I allow myself to be hurt by something changing, or do I resist that hurt and fight it?  Some have told me to surrender to the universe, surrender to this path of life that has been given to me.  I do not exaggerate when I say, at times I do loath this path very much so.  I make decisions that I feel are right, I feel will give me joy.  And at each turn available those joys turn to sorrows.  Now to a question my mind will not release, why is it a sorrow when someone I have put a particular kind of energy towards and then chooses a door the does not involve me?  Do I have a right to feel so selfish?  Being happy and loved, something most humans want and I do as well.

I put my heart into my words to these people, no one seems to realize my very being is in my words of comfort, my words of affection.  I do not lightly say these things and yet they are taken in ways that elude my understanding.  Do they mean what I mean them to?  I speak with my heart, and I tell her that she means something to me, that I am beyond words in happiness that we have begun this road.  And then as soon as it began that road is altered and put on a different path. 

            I live in the now, so do I just feel this pain?  Do I not look forward to different paths, do I just feel this, here, now.  I’m so tired, my heart crumbles so very easily, and when it does, it is that much harder to re-build.  I have, well I do not want to comment on how hard it has been in the past, the past doesn’t exist anymore does it?  Only now does, so what do I do?

            When emotional pain translates to physical pain, it is in my eyes a true pain.  I feel it now, I cry and I let it go through tears and yells and laughs, but my throat still feels as though it bleeds pain.  There is a difference between bleeding and feeling pain, and bleeding pain.  It’s as a free flow of colorless blood, filled with pain so the cut itself does not hurt but the blood hurts.  It is taken back into my body and re-circulated to be felt through out all of my being.

            Now I sit, seeing if more is to come for I do not wish to experience this elsewhere.  My heart is set to write this feeling out for I am tired of feeling it.  All I can do is remember all I learn from it each time, and what I have in my memories as lessons learned is this. 

 

            A heart can be salvation for a time, and it can be a curse for a time.