Fear

My deepest personal fears

Fear

            This is a collection of the most deep seeded fears of who I am in this world.  I have many things that tell me they are truth.  I have never been told to my face a single thing of these things, they are a pure creation of my most feared things.

 

            I fear I am pathetic, every time I hear a compliment from another person’s mouth I simply hear extra words around the base meaning “you are pathetic Richard William Marsh”.  I felt every time a parent told me I was doing something great, something special, that they were looking at my soul and saw how pathetic I was and had to try to fix me or they’d be ashamed to even have me in the same house.  I feel like 95% of my friends are only willing to put up with me because they think if they don’t I’ll go kill myself for having such a pathetic existence.

            I fear I am worthless to all or most.  My worth I feel is barely registered.  I know people have told me many times I mean much to them, they don’t know what they’d have done if they never met me.  But I rarely believe them, my fear controls me and I construct a reason why they would lie, my logical thinking allows me to come up with perfectly long winded reasons for lying.

            I fear I will never accomplish anything.  I want to do so many things, and yet I never have the guts to finish it all the way through.  It is by far the one fear I have the most reason for having.  I truly fail at many things I set out and say I want to do.  I give myself confidence and then I take it away.  I swear and promise many things trying to make myself keep my word and try to accomplish the things I want.  But all I succeed in doing 80% of the time is proving more and more that I do not hold my word, and I fail at many things.

            I fear I am truly a horrible person.  Most people consider being horrible a rapist or a murderer, but I consider simply not wanting to help every person horrible.  I say I want to help and care for all those around me.  But do I really?  I feel like I care for specific people, and ignore the others.  People around me tell me I’m not making sense, but those are the people I do help so of course they will say that.  As I said before, my logic lets me formulate ‘obvious’ reasons why others would lie to me and not tell me the truth so how do I not believe that? 

            I fear my life will be wasted on meaningless endeavors and the ones that do have meaning will never be completed.

            I fear I bring more pain then pleasure, that I cause more sadness then happiness.  I fear my hate will override my love, I fear that I will die feeling like my life was pointless.

            I fear my jealousy, anger, and depression are the leading traits of my personality and I simply hide them very well to try and show other traits as my main traits.

            I fear I am unintelligent and only use big words, and think the things I do, so that I may have the chance of hiding my stupidity from the world.  My mind feels like it does unique things and then I convince myself that it is all a rouse to hide the truth of my ignorance and lack of knowledge and wisdom of the world around me.

            I fear I tell no truth, only lie and lie and lie.  I catch myself and stop myself more regularly now a days, but does it change the fact I begin the statement thinking of a lie? No, it doesn’t so I am still a liar aren’t I? I fear I lie to everyone including myself.