Megalomania and You: Making it Work

A little how-to guide of global conquest

 

            So you don’t like the state of the world today. How can one person have any effect? In a world where whole “democratic” governments ignore the will of the masses, it’s clear that an individual has no power to affect the system. But I shall tell you the secret to bending the world to your whims. The tricks of the trade, if you will, that are necessary to taking over the world.

            So you’ve decided to pursue this path, to succeed where so many others have failed. I’ll assume you are not in any position of power to begin with; don’t be discouraged, because this is an advantage. People of power are under constant scrutiny from the world at large. If you think you’ll get anywhere in global domination laughing maniacally and wringing your hands in full view of the public, turn back now. You must disappear from the world, if you want to rule it. Cut off all communications with so-called friends, family, even pets. They will only distract you from your goals, or even worse, try to convince you it can’t be done, or otherwise impede your progress. I’ll assume you can figure out how to disappear yourself. Just one thing, if you think faking your own death is the easiest way to vanish from the public’s radar, you couldn’t be more wrong. The best way to disappear is not to fake your own death, it’s much easier to simply kill everyone you know, and everyone you’ve met. The road ahead will be paved in the bones of those who stand in your way, painted in their blood, so you may as well get used to it early on. If you’re thinking I’m some sort of psychopathic madman, remember it’s you who’s trying to take over the world; so don’t go trying to pin the “crazy” title on me. You probably think I’m paranoid as well… You and all the rest…

      Sorry. Now that you’ve disappeared from the world, you’re ready to get started enslaving it. The first question you have to ask yourself is where to begin? Narrowing this down by continent is easiest:

North America seems like the logical starting point, but don’t be a fool. No foolish person without political backing could ever take on the United States; it takes a fool with political experience to usurp power. As for Canada and Mexico, we’ll cover them later.

South America is in too much political turmoil to take over and properly maintain control of. On the other hand, if you’re brave, the instability might make it an easy place to get an initial foothold.

Africa would never stand for outsiders coming in and taking over, so don’t even bother.

Asia will garner you the best armies, but as anyone who’s played Risk knows, it’s impossible to take over the whole of Asia at one time.

At the same time, Risk might have taught you that Australia is the best place to start taking over the world, but we’re talking about real life, not some stupid game. Australia is a terrible place from which to conquer the world. Let’s say you do conquer Australia, and hell I’ll even throw in New Zealand for free. What have you got? Kangaroos, boomerangs, bad beer, funny accents, and Peter Jackson. Good luck taking over anywhere else with that; Peter Jackson alone will slow you down to a point where you’ll never get through the damned movie. I mean campaign.

Moving on: Antarctica is easy, because there’s next to no one there to stop you. But again, what are you going to do with an army of snowmen and penguins? (Besides, that’s my plan. Get your own.)

So by process of elimination we’ll start in Europe. You don’t want to start in any of the major countries. If you take over England, the U.S. will get pissed and then you’re dead in the water. Don’t bother with France until the end of your campaign. The French haven’t won a war since Joan of Arc, so they’ll be no problem, but getting them on your side would only curse you with their losing streak. I’d suggest starting somewhere small that no one really cares much about, for example: Luxembourg, Lithuania, the Netherlands, Denmark, Iceland, any Scandinavian country in fact. That’s where I’d start (assuming you’ve forgotten about Antarctica), in the Scandinavian countries. Work your way into the legitimate governments, and once you take one country, the rest will soon follow. From here you’ll move with a domino effect through all the smaller countries, creating a union of countries in Europe (might not be a bad idea to invite Turkey to join you too, just for balance). Once you have a union, convince the remaining counties to join you, promising one strong unit of currency to be freely traded amongst them. Once all the European countries become dependant on your new currency, (may I suggest the ‘pean’?) start printing as many bills as you can in one country (Belgium) and spread them out to the rest, throwing the economies of Europe into the biggest depression ever. Now you can conquer the big guys.

Now you’ve taken over Europe. Aren’t you special? But there is one point I cannot stress enough at this point: DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA BY LAND AT THIS POINT. This is where Napoleon, Hitler, and many others failed. DON’T DO IT. Mother Russia is not the kind of girl you can hit over the head and drag back to your cave… You have to wine and dine her a little bit, use a bit of convincing. Historically speaking, she’s prone to violent revolutions every so often, and she’s probably about ready now. If a revolution doesn’t occur by pure coincidence, you may have to grease the wheels yourself. I’d suggest you forge records of a successful communist state in your new Europe, give the Russian communists renewed hope, and it’ll be only a matter of time until you’re the new Czar.

Now you have Europe and Russia behind you, its time to go after the US. Its time for the fun part: WAR! Mass your armies in the Northwestern part of Russian and wait for the Bering Strait to freeze. You now have an ice bridge directly into North America. You can march straight through Alaska and Canada, so long as you keep the noise down. With your troops spread along the Canadian/U.S. border, you’re ready for the next step.

While you’re working your armies through Canada, send a message to the Mexican government, promising them Texas, and all the other territory stolen from them by manifest destiny, if they will join your cause in crushing the United States. Send similar messages to the rest of South America, and promise them any fool thing you want. Promise Mexico to Honduras, promise Honduras to Nicaragua, promise Nicaragua to Panama, Promise Brazil to Chile, et cetera, et cetera. It doesn’t matter because once they join you all of their land will be yours anyway.

OK, now the fun part! You’ve got armies on the North and South borders of the US. Send in the Canadian/Russian/European forces through the unguarded Northern border first. The U.S. will respond with all of its forces, and it will be all like: “BOOM! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! OH NO! WE’RE BEING TAKEN OVER!”

At this moment, give the signal to the southern forces to attack as well. The border will be easily crossed, and you can start crushing cities, as the United States falls under your control like a bag of lead dropped from the top of the Empire State Building.

Only Asia, Australia, Africa and Antarctica remain. Ever wonder what would happen if everyone in China jumped at the same time? Would the force knock the people on the other side of the earth into orbit? Amass all four conquered continents in the trampled and burning cornfields of the American mid-west, and give them the signal. You’ll be safe in a helicopter in Japanese airspace so you can watch the action. As your forces all simultaneously land on the other side of the Earth, their force will instantly (after a few minutes; its hard to get everyone to jump at once.) send millions of confused bodies hurtling through the air towards your helicopter (I suggest you hire a competent pilot who can avoid getting hit. It’d be a shame for you to die after all the work you’ve done.). That takes care of Asia, though there may be a couple fat stragglers, they’ll starve to death soon enough.

Enough silliness, you’ve gotten a good taste for murder and mayhem, might as well keep it up. Divide your troops however you like to kill all of those remaining on Earth that are not loyal to you. Many will want to convert under pain of death. Let them. Once they have sworn their loyalty to you, kill them anyway. They weren’t to be trusted.

Now you’ve taken over every last part of the world. Congratulations. Go ahead and celebrate with champagne and caviar. Celebrate while you can, for even now, my penguin and snowman is marking toward you, led by my ruthless commander Ron Jubins. Now that you’ve done all the work for me, you’re disposable. All I need to do is depose you and take your seat of power. Then the world will bow before me!!!! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

 

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO WEAR SHOES!

NOW THE PARENTS WILL EAT THE SPINACH!

THE WORLD WILL BE PAINTED AND LABELLED SO AS TO APPEAR THE SAME AS IT DOES ON MAPS!

SILLY HATS WILL BE WORN ON EVERY SECOND THURSDAY!

 

 

…COMING SOON: A SIMPLE GUIDE TO CONQUERING THE MOON USING ONLY A CHEESE GRATER AND A WOODEN SPOON.