I WANT TO GO TO THE DENTIST

Sometimes I am introspective.

  I WANT TO GO TO THE DENTIST

A Christmas story that has nothing to do with teeth.

         In all the Christmas mornings we have celebrated not one present, given or received, stands out in my mind. What does stand out is all of the stress over financially providing the presents that I thought my children deserved and not ruining the wonderful memories that I knew they would carry with them for a lifetime, enriching their lives with the love they felt the moment they received those gifts. That was until this year.       I sit here writing this overwhelmed by bills, a demanding job and worst of all children who are beginning to mistake privileges as rights. “Clean your room,” is no longer a requirement, but a request from a broken-down parent to a strong-willed child who refuses to back down.      

 I don’t know of one parent who has not been just too damn tired to deal with the overwhelming responsibility of raising children. We get migraines, have to work long hours and sometimes at the end of a long day the last thing we want to deal with is a child whining about what they think they deserve, right NOW. I look back and wonder when I became this gelatinous mold of insufficiency when it comes to raising my own children. At work, I strive to support parents in acquiring and then utilizing appropriate parenting skills. I know, hypocritical much? So, what is it that made my home so dysfunctional? One word; guilt. Guilt has been the motivating factor in the impending deterioration of the structure in my home. Why guilt you ask? Why not? Seriously, why not guilt?      

 We live in a society that thrives on it. Want to be a good spouse? Well, if you truly love your significant other you will buy a ring equivalent to two months salary that will lose 90% of it’s value after purchase. Want to be a good wife and mother? Well, then you need to run yourself to the point of exhaustion and financial ruin in order to provide the exceptional and socially acceptable amount of care and nurture required to show our love. Carting your bundle of joy to and from extra expensive extra-curricular activities, numerous appointments and play dates all the while maintaining your weight and make-up in order to be appealing to your husband. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. There are birthdays that MUST be held at the funnest and popular locations because, you know, we as parents cannot bare to think of our child as being teased for having a party at home. Because who wouldn’t want to spend a Saturday evening with tons of heroin-like sugar and token addicts begging, pleading and going into convulsive fits for just. one. more. Of course we give in because we don’t want to see our children suffer on their special day.

          I remember overhearing a story from a mother who proudly exclaimed to her friend, “I got MY kids the newest and most expensive game system, bikes and so many other presents that we couldn’t fit them under the tree! I mean, we couldn’t really afford it and I have 2,000 dollars of dental work that needs done, but what can I do? They deserve to have a good Christmas and I don’t mind going without to provide it.”  What. The. Holy. F**k. I remember thinking to myself, how much of a martyr does this mother have to become in order to make herself feel like she is a good mother?! How ridiculous! Doesn’t she realize she is teaching them that their wants come before her needs?! Smugly I thought, what a great way to make some narcissists, Mom of the year! Humph. (Dramatic eye roll) I sat there, indignant, completely mortified by what I just heard while shopping for my own children’s Christmas. Of course, I made better choices. I would never go without... Then, I realized, I need dental work. I also am stretching myself so thin financially Christmas has become a burden instead of an enjoyable holiday.     

   This was one of the most defining moments in motherhood that prompted me to change my thinking, my guilt-induced over-indulging, narcissist creating, societal norm of spoiling kids. Now when I say spoil I don’t say it in the common, pat yourself on the back way. I say it according to what it is actually creating, the dinner plate that is so rotten under that spoiled child’s bed that it has began growing unhealthy bacteria and mold, next to it is the spilled soda that ruined the carpet while making the plate eternally stuck in one place. That comparison is closer to the truth. The child does grow unhealthy personality traits that, if not corrected in time, will forever keep that child stuck in one mindset, selfishness. She just said out loud what we all do as mothers. I may be suffering, but at least my son will have the expensive and unreasonably large remote control truck that he will only play with until the batteries die and then forget about ever receiving it as it collects dust in the garage.       

       What the hell are we doing to ourselves as we attempt to “do” for our children? Which sacrifices and hardships are acceptable for us to endure while we ensure our children get everything they want? Why do we, as a society, firmly believe that if we do not give everything to our children then we are ruining their childhood? Some of the best people I know have a hard past and have known traumatic circumstances, but despite that decided that they wanted more from life and achieved it through hard work. Some of the worst people I know were given everything as children and sheltered to the point they cannot function well without the support or enabling of others.     

     Why would anyone in their right mind jeopardize their health as they slowly deteriorate from stress and lack of medical care, money for college not to be saved, but instead lavishly spent in an effort to show “love” and essentially watching your children’s future possibilities dwindle just so you can momentarily look and feel like a great parent.     I have learned that great parenting comes with less wants and more needs. More of saying the word, “no” while watching a tantrum that, I promise you, will end. Great parents are not made by giving in and changing a little frown into a smile, letting yourself deteriorate in a slow death brought on by exhaustion or making yourself a sacrificial lamb. Great parents are made when you refuse to do what society, your parents, or anyone else does because you don’t want your child to be like everyone else. You recognize the guilt-inducing marketing by greedy companies whose sole purpose is to make you feel less than to get you to buy more.     

     This year we are going to create a new way to celebrate the holiday. A celebration that brings back purpose and meaning. While everyone else feels alone in their stresses over getting the best sales before someone else does or guilt for missing it. Going into massive debt to provide toys that will soon be forgotten. This year, for us, is going to be about togetherness. My children and I will work together at a local soup kitchen, read Christmas stories to children living in a shelter and we will embrace our community and share with them of ourselves. We will do activities at home that promote quality family time and make lasting memories. This Christmas, we are going to remember the wonder and enchantment of a once peaceful holiday now corrupted by greed and spoiled by selfishness. We will remember a piece of ourselves untouched by guilt and unashamed to be unique in a society that uses shaming to make consumers consume more than they should, forcing them into a lifetime of debt. 

       I want more for my children than a life riddled with guilt, shame and overdue bills. I don’t want them to go without an education in the future just to be temporarily gratified. I don’t want to be a hypocrite anymore. I want peace. I want lasting memories from a life lesson that will carry them on through the years. I want to be out of debt. I want to be stress-free. I want to go to the dentist.        

Author's Note

Sometimes I want honest reviews.

Reviews

[Jym S.]

This story is spot on about the guilt thing. It shows cause and effect and highlights what I believe to be a serious problem in our society. The principle of "show don't tell" is in play here as the examples given illustrate the writer's point. A step in the right direction is also offered in the final paragraphs. Fine job!

[JE_Platypus]

I like the way the last line wraps up the story. It has great impact and the anecdote that sets it up was handled well! I also liked how this got me thinking about society in general and how difficult it can be to function in a world where people expect instant gratification. The "less is more" sentiment the character chooses at the end is something I think a lot of people are wishing for these days. (Though coming to terms with one's shame can be a tough pill to swallow). Thanks for the read...and the thoughts!