Insomnia*Original*

Original version of Insomnia

Exhaustion,tired,bored

all leading to the

unshakeable feeling described only as

Sleep.

 

Today has been better than a dream;

one only can imagine

how amazing dancing with your lover is,

and the thoughts I hope to keep.

Unfortunately, my mind missed her and roared.
A bomb sets off in the cranium,

scattering loving memories along the walls

only to be replaced by pain

 

This agony makes me wanna scream;

My head is a gong being beaten hard

A din of trumpets and saxes and guitars

Send shivers through my brain.

 

My body craves rest,

Longing for the release of a nightmare.

yet when I close my eyes,

All my memories rocket out into my body's  test

 

When I down a pill,

agony ebbs eventually.

The water around me escapes my lips

[I hope you get the gist.]

It seems Pathos has shown it's best.

A slow torture as

tendrils of electricity

shoot towards my head

 

I sat upon my windowsill.

The cool breeze provided the panacea I needed

I swore under my breath as

I glared at the offending bed.

 

My head throbbing like a b***h,

I rub the demon

quelling the howling somewhat,

yet Sandman still couldn't be reached

 

My mind's fire was still smoldering

today wasn't easily forgotten about

and I could not numb

the feeling of my mind being breached

 

I picked up my guitar to cure the itch

I strummed a parade of colors

all warm and vibrant,soothing

Appeasing the screeching beast

 

It provided a medicinal, colder ring

to the writhing,throbbing,painful

mass of a curse than the icebag I held did.

And I could relax now,at least.

 

As My mind began to see,

images of something that never happened

flooded my Ark of Knowledge,

and I heard myself sigh.

 

A beautiful Angel grabbed my hand

and pulled it onto her waist

Her sky blue dress hugged her torso tightly

Her beauty could make me cry.

 

She wanted to dance with me,

her eyes were two fragments of a fallen sky

A milky white light cascaded onto our faces

She laid her head on my shoulder happily

 

We flowed over the land

Her dress glittered as it spun,

creating a wonderful spiral of beauty

I felt that this could never be

 

Until soon,i thought.

I knew she'd meet me for a romantic evening

amongst the stars.

She's just that amazing.

 

We cuddled to keep warm

looking into the stars.

She said she loved me

and I pulled out a ring.

 

She was surprised at the ring I bought.
She's never liked me to spend money on her

But this time I found something she couldn't resist

A large diamond shining bright.

 

Her happy tears fell in a swarm.

She tackled me to the ground when

the dream ended right then and there.

Or,postponed until tommorow night.

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

Hmm, no one else has reviewed this. Interesting.

It almost feels like you're using the fact that this is a poem as an excuse for poor grammar. You switch tenses in here (something which is just NEVER okay) and it's just a grammatical mess for the most part. Makes parts of it rather hard to read.

Your language, on the other hand, is very strong. Your imagery is vivid and real - though a little over the top sometimes - and the story works quite nicely. I just wish it had better literary support.