Tears For Death

Vampire poem

 

 

Tears drip down

My love has left

A few more steps

I will then rest

 

I'm weak without him

Pain's all I feel

He left me there

Alone with despair

 

I begged him to stay

For I'd never betray.

 

I cannot survive

Though I cannot die

Marks on my neck

Provided this curse

 

The sun offers nothing

For I cannot burn

His blood gave me eternity

But I'm not his one.

Author's Note

Thanks Liliana (muse)

Please don't just give me a good job, for how will i ever grow...

Reviews

[Leo Gems]

I like this write... it speaks of pain the bitten giving her heart to the biter.
I really like the first two stanzas.
I think you are asking for suggestions.. I have an idea that won't change the meaning of your write but it is a thought.. Suggestion only ok? I don't know if I am breaking any writer rules or anything so forgive me ok?

Last two stanzas.. How about this?

I cannot survive
Though I cannot die.
The sun offers me nothing
For I cannot burn.

His blood gave me eternity
But I am not his one
Marks on my neck
Provided me (only) with this curse.

Whatcha think?
Just my thoughts. :p

[Enigma]

That was nice! I liked it. Kinda creeped me out as I visualised everything....(vampires always creep me out)
But anyway, it's more of a sad romance. I could tell that the protagonaist is feeling betrayed by whom she thought was her lover. But in the end, all he wanted from her was her...blood...
Argh!
Anyway, to give a suggestion (you asked for it!), I think you should continue the rhyming. IT helps the poem to flow smoother...lolz
But, to be honest with you, I didn't notice the rhyming until I read the reviews....hehehe
Anyway, great write!! Very well done...

[Wolfwind Words]

I really like this revised version! I feel it flows much better and brings the concepts with each stanza out to the reader in a more organized manor.

I still feel that the last stanza is just a bit off...but hey..:)

A wonderful piece of Saddness and loss.

Eternally Your's
Aaron

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

ok my gosh. This was so beautiful and sad that it broke my heart. Thank you so much for sharing it. I really felt the pang of pain in my heart with the last line where she says that she is not his one. It's so beautiful.

[SM Davis]

LOVE THE IMAGERY....but since you said you don't want a "good job", I will say that the first and third stanzas are more like proze and the second stanza rhymes? Was it meant to be that way? Again, very nice write.

[[untitled]]

great write!

[An owl on the moon]

Looks like several reviewers gave some good insight for you! I do like the feel, emotion, color of the piece so much. Liliana has always been a favorite of mine!

Craig

[Annalisa]

Very nice, and keeping with your vampire theme I see. I love your work, i truly do, though I would suggest maybe trying a little more subtly and mystery in the poems, not to be so straight forward, just for a change of pace. But as always this was lovely.

[Seriana]

Hum, I like this! It flows well, but...I think it'd be better if you made it all rhyme, like the second stanza. The first and third were a bit more slow to read. I like Aaron's idea of breaking it into 4 stanzas. That might make it flow a bit more, too. But overall, it's really good content! Simple, not too wordy, and the "story" is very vampire indeed! Great job. :)

[Wolfwind Words]

Oh sad and forlorn feelings bleed from this piece. I like the simple flow and the easy to see imagery.

On note. Line 6 - "Pain's" :)

I think that if you wanted to... Start from the bottom and break it into 4 line stanza's I think the idea's would link better that way. but that's just me. :)

Great Write!
Aaron