Who I Is

the honest uncensored truth of me

I am fat.

I am a betrayer.

I am a friend.

I have a way of playing with emotions.

I am a cuddler.

When push come to shove I knock you out.

I am funny with many degrees of humor.

I am 6'1.

I weigh 330 something pounds.

I have a heart full of pure Phoenix passion.

I have a gimp that will never go away no matter how many surgeries I have to correct it.

I have many identities because I hate my real name.

I write erotic stories because in a sense I lose my virginity in each one.

How do I write erotic stories you might ask?

Well I write erotic stories from what I watch, listen, and read from other poets.

I am Agents Mulder and Scully who give you the hidden truth about anyone and anything.

I can mimic almost any voice from Doc Holliday in Tombstone to Sesame Street just ask for my number.

I am super sensitive to different things.

I cry at movies like The Green Mile, Dreamcatcher, Return To Me, series finales of Buffy and Angel, Friends even though I only saw three or so episodes, Fraiser, Ray, March Of The Penguins, and others I cannot recall.

I get so tired of Amateur Hour from people hurling kindergarten insults when someone actually gets or finds their balls that goes for girls also to come and beat my a*s then I would shake their hand for actually doing what they said they were gonna do.

I laugh at horror flicks that I’ve seen when others don’t have the stomach for it.

I love my grandma and my little sis the most and I call her everyday almost everyday of the week.

I have a way with words.

I am a natural smartass.

I am cyber sex w***e like most people because real sex freaks me out.

And you may think "God is he ever gonna get laid?"

And the answer to that question is no NEVER!

Put it this way when I look at porn pics on the net I have no problem with it but when it comes to a girl that pulls her shirt off I would turn away immediately.

I have been through three corrective surgeries on my feet, two on my left and one on my right to help my CP.

I have CP which makes me walk crooked so yeah I’m degraded to having a limp.

I am bisexual so yes I do find different guys attractive but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go out and ask a guy to date me.

I find most girls attractive by their eyes, hair, lips, body, voice, nose, and piercings they have except for a c**t piercing ick!

I found out I was bisexual when I watched "Angels In America" tsk watched it for two reasons: one critics raved that it was the best movie from Showtime and second I was curious as to what it was about.

Six long a*s hours I sat through it and on the second disc cause it was a two disc dvd two guys one who was exploring and one who was gay started french kissing and I watched it a smidge bothered by it but not enough to make me go nuts then I felt my dick getting a little aroused and I looked at it then said "Oh hell no this is f*****g impossible" and so began my bisexuality.

I’ve been through relationships three well two but it was three.

The first was Melissa and long story short she almost cost me my graduation.

The second was Nikki my real life girlfriend first person I kissed actually second considering I kissed Melissa but that didn’t count anyway when I kissed Melissa I got a sick feeling in my stomach but when I kissed Nikki I didn’t which made me happy. We went out for about two months then me and her friend Jenn both of them were heavyset but that mattered not to me.

One day told me I was "A waste of gas" so I got into a fight with Jenn over the phone and I told her to shut up and she said "Oh no you didn’t" and I said "Did I stutter?" Click haven’t heard from them since.

The third was Cassi whom opened my vampire abilities and birthed my Phoenix passion.

Damn she was fun and made me feel whole again after being burned by loneliness. Cassi "was" a vampire we were so in love with each we formed a vampire bond in which we felt each other’s feelings talked nonstop over the phone and messenger everyday I think.

Then one day I was checking my e-mail and one of them said "Heyy....." And she said "I didn’t love you like you loved me I loved the passion you had for me" and that sent me down to s****y depression having been told that and through a f*****g e-mail.

I mean s**t she could’ve called me and told me. Then it was back and forth fighting until I got a kindergarten threat from her "boyfriend" I still think she made him up but it was so funny cause it said "That’s right I’m her boyfriend and if you don’t leave her alone I’m gonna come there and kick your little a*s" pfffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttt.

First of all she and her "boyfriend" live in Oregon I live in Maryland two coasts apart.

Second my a*s isn’t little it’s hairy and crooked from sitting on my stoop.

Third I have heard enough kick my a*s threats to know that no one will ever do it because they are a cowardly p***y n****r.

Yes I said n****r because they are ignorant for acting like that and if you don’t like it then stop reading now but if you wish to know more then read on.

So after Cassi I was full of raging hate and anger which I took out at the YMCA everyday as much as I could.

Then later on I met Tina she reignited my Phoenix passion and I fell for her hard talked on the phone everyday ran my phone bill up to $900 because I thought that I had the plan to call anywhere in the U.S. and Canada well I didn’t so I was mad at her for that and myself for running the phone bill up. My parents are still mad at me for that.

Anyway we got into a huge fight in which she threatened my little sis which pushed me to write "The Toy Fights Back" which got deleted because it clashed with ap policy and upset her because I betrayed her trust but hey when you burn me I make you into ashes. She was also a vampire seeming as she sired me and made me her fledgling and all that s**t so I have dissolved myself of her bond to me.

And on top of getting banned for a month a friend of mine got banned for helping me which I was shocked at and sent me into a pissed off mood. I mean god she’s got a moderator in her pocket I got three mods for relatives and I don’t abuse their power I treat them as an equal.

Man I swear anyway getting off that subject before I get carried away with it.

　

I wear glasses so I feel even more degraded.

I am unscripted and unrehearsed.

I am capable of forgiving someone depending on who it is.

My inspiration for writing poetry came by a song called "Your Disease" by Saliva which helped me write "Breaking Point Love Loss Sacrifice" and Amy Jacobs.

Good god Amy Jacobs my first love my muse for all time next to Jessica Brown but she’s another girl for another time. Amy amy amy god man the thing that stands out the most about her is that face I can never focus on her face because for years on end I believed that I would see her one day just walking down the street and *snaps my fingers* we’ll recognize each other but it won’t happen. I mean god I would love to be able to focus on her face because that the one thing that stands out the most cause it’s driven me crazy even now it’s driving me crazy but if I focus hard enough on a pose of her I see her crystal clear like she was right in front of me. At times I can hear her voice in my head sometimes and it makes me cry wishing I could have her so bad, but sadly I won’t get her till I die.

Now onto Jessica Brown.

Her I met back in 2002 so I have had a crush on her for four years now and she’s never known it at all her I’ve written a three part Star Wars story about me and her part 2 is posted now and I will type up parts 1 and 3 when I get around to it. I’ve written countless poems about my love for her I mean god she is the reason I live each day the reason I work out so f*****g hard till it hurts and burns my body. Never was friends with her at all I just enjoyed bathing in her beauty whenever I saw her gave her roses every Valentines Day in school and now I’m working on a wrestling story about me and her and yes god yes I love WWE and TNA!!!!

I cried so f*****g hard when Eddie died and my love for wrestling inspired me to write it while I watched "Bridges Of Madison County" cause when I saw Meryl Streep I thought of how much she looked like Jess and grabbed my laptop and got to typing. Then I got other stories to finish writing and type up and post on ap so I won’t get to those till I get the ones I started done first.

The music I listen to that inspire my works are Saliva, Akon, H.I.M., 50 Cent, Ja Rule, Nas, Usher, Old Blue Eyes, Nat King Cole, Boyz 2 Men, 98 Degrees, Kanye West, Metallica, Disturbed, Korn, Demon Hunter, Slipknot, X-tina, DMX, Pantera, Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, Ying Yang Twins, Kid Rock, Bobby Valentino, J.Lo, Omarion, Van Halen, Guns N’ Roses, Ciara, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gwen Stefani, The Penguins, Bow Wow, Creed, Godsmack, Keith Sweat, Mary J. Blige, B.I.G., 2Pac, Xscape, Beyonce, Brandy, and other artists.

But the thing that makes me cry and brings me to tears all the time is the fact that I want a kid so damn bad. Just to hear he/she say "Dada" makes me smile but with tears in my eyes. I want that because then I would feel whole and complete and to have Amy as the mother or whomever I get as the mother of my unborn son or daughter or more than that then I’ll have to give some away just kidding I couldn’t do that. Not in a million years.

Something to call my own that I could watch sleep at night, read to sleep, feed and change it’s diapers maybe not diapers did enough of that with my sis. But to hold that little bundle of joy in my arms and be able to look in their eyes and say "I created you I made you" and cry tears of joy but I’d really be surprised if I passed out when my baby was born.

In closing my Phoenix passion brings brighter than any sun my wings allow me to fly with Solar Angels and to maybe find my real lover when I die off of this planet and enter Heaven.

And see her crystal clear

not blurry or out of focus

and say her name

"Amy........... But until that moment comes I shall continue with my life of writing and lovers of all sorts.