Freed, um (or not)

Can you see me?

I know it’s not that easy,

 

I’ve cried your tears,

And taken the blows,

I’ve watched your hurt,

        And felt it doubled upon my bones,

doubled

 

Is the concept beyond you?

Or are you really this cruel?

 

If a sorry is all you can offer,

Just leave me alone,

 

I warred with my flesh to close you out,

Locked your image from my mind,

As you justified your claws,

Denied every lie through pangs of guilt,

 

I let go of the pain and placed it on you,

But you repeated hollow apologies in turn,

What can I say?

Besides “I’m always here,”

If only I mastered your craft,

If only they could escape this loving shell,

 

Instead you chain me to the doubt,

Shackled to our shared remorse,

As we ignore each other to survive,

Averted eyes to live another day,

 

Are we really still alive?

Author's Note

I did the whole word vomit thing again, but I decided to do it in a more formally poetic way. Good, bad, so-so? You decide.

Reviews

[Amy's Avenue]

i really enjoyed this poem

[Muse]

It's a dead give away for me when a writer is used to blogging...writing stories...and/or chapters because they often get carried away with the commas, periods...etc. Often times in writing punctuation is critical...so it's easy to presume that the same rules would apply to poetry.

[Idiotekque]

Thanks for your thoughts. I'll have to look at your stuff and see how you use that as well.

When it comes to using commas, it's just a habit I suppose. I'm picky about how things look that way, and commas have always looked "right" to me, but perhaps I'll play with other formats. Thanks for the idea.

[Muse]

If you read some of my stuff...you'll see that I adore word play. It captures the "essence"...it can really create a lot of positives if done correctly. There is an art to it...if overdone...it can appear grade school. But it serves a purpose here with what you've shared. Like on the word "hollow"...clever you are. :)
However with poetry...less is more when it comes to punctuation marks. The line breaks are enough to make the reader...stop..pause and breathe. It just creates distraction...all the commas...you get the idea.

Instead you chain me to the doubt,

Shackled to our shared remorse,

As we ignore each other to survive,

Averted eyes to live another day,

Powerful stuff...a really good read.

Muse

[Muse]

If you read some of my stuff...you'll see that I adore word play. It captures the "essence"...it can really really a lot of positives if done correctly. There is an art to it...if overdone...it can appear grade school. But it serves a purpose here with what you've shared. Like on the word "hollow"...clever you are. :)
However with poetry...less is more when it comes to punctuation marks. The line breaks are enough to make the reader...stop..pause and breathe. It just creates distraction...all the commas...you get the idea.

Instead you chain me to the doubt,

Shackled to our shared remorse,

As we ignore each other to survive,

Averted eyes to live another day,

Powerful stuff...a really good read.

Muse

[sk08]

Really love this...

[Archia]

I really love the way you did the different colours and font. It's just all in the appropriate place and it makes it have all the more impact. I especially love the 'see'. As for the rest, I really enjoyed that also, and the meaning as well.