It's raining, it's snowing, it's freezing...

The story of my struggle to pursue my future career

�In the name of Apollo, I swear to��
I felt really stupid while standing there, repeating such silly words, a few minutes before getting to the black whole!!!
�I can�t believe I came to the prom�, I kept repeating to myself. I wished I could cry.
My friend, who was standing next to me, noticed something was going wrong and asked me: �Are you ok?�
�Try to guess�, I replied ironically.
�Ok, I understand but it�s not the right time�, she whispered.
�You mean there are specific moments for a person to have feelings or not?�
�Ok, stop it, please; we�ll talk in the restaurant�.
�I told you I�m not going�.
She took a deep breath and kept quiet.
�.

Seven years had passed, nothing had changed. I was hoping someday I�ll be more mature to take serious decisions but it seems I wasn�t the one who decided!
I made the best I could during these 7 years but it was never enough and I was sick of failing. I don�t mean failing tests and exams, but I never succeeded to love my job and work with passion; therefore, my work was almost always a disaster.
My mom has always wished to be doctor, but her parents could never afford it.
She wished I�d make her dream come true, and�. here I am!!! Too na�ve to say no, thinking I�m wiser than I really was, not knowing what else I liked or wanted to be, I reached this day�. The day everyone would call me �Doctor��
Oh my God, what suffering� It wasn�t me they were calling, it couldn�t be me!
I�ve got a simple name, a simple personality, simple hobbies; I�ve got a simple life, people!!! Why take it away and expect more other strange complicated things from me?!!! Do you really find that reasonable?!!!
�

Anyway, it�s not the story I want to tell.
I agreed to enter medical school under the emotional pressure of seeing my aunt die from cancer. I wanted so much to do something and I had pretty good grades at high school. I had an exceptional opportunity and I didn�t miss it.
I always regretted I couldn�t study psychology. Regret would be a very small word� It was the conflict of my life, it tortured me during 7 seven years!!!
I thought this dream would die along with my medical studies. I forgot that the thorns could never kill a rose�s perfume!
I spent my first 4 years convinced that my duty and my mission in life were to be an oncologist. I even remember once the English teacher asking me:
�What brings you to medicine?�
And without even thinking, I said: �People who have cancer�
I was still in my first year. That summer, we had a two-week-training in a hospital.
I saw a lot of �people who had cancer� and I noticed that the one who helped them most wasn�t the doctor treating them but anyone who could listen to them, feel their pain, and make them smile
�

Jack, my classmate, was a big fan of Sigmund Freud. He was literally obsessed with psychology, psychiatry and psychotherapy. No difference. He liked everything about it. He was sure he was born to be a second Freud! I have always found him quite strange but I always envied him for choosing that field that I liked so much. I don�t know why it took me 5 years to realize that I didn�t have to envy him. I could be just like him!
I have always got higher grades than him on psychiatry tests. I liked that field much more than him. Who said I had to be an oncologist?!! After all, I saw myself what cancer patients needed most. I was sure I would help them much more as a psychiatrist.
Yeah, of course�It must be!
All of a sudden, everything had changed� All my future plans were turned upside down.
I could see myself as nothing but a psychiatrist.
And since that moment, I couldn�t help seeing in Jack a threatening source of competitiveness because he was much better than me in medicine.
I never tried to befriend him and that was a big mistake.
I heard his friends every now and them telling that he wanted so much to travel and study psychiatry in France.
I hoped it would be true. I never knew Jack would never be the big issue.
In our 4th year, Jack father�s died. All his future plans changed too. He couldn�t decide what to do anymore�would he travel or not, he found it hard to tell.
�

One year later, we finally got our training in a psychiatric hospital. It was a very important period in my life. I liked the experience more than I expected.
One day, I was seeing a patient with the doctor and suddenly, we heard someone playing the piano and singing something like: �It�s raining, it�s snowing, it�s freezing��
It was a Christmas song that I had never heard before. I looked backward and I was astonished to recognize my old music teacher!!!
�Oh! My God, what are you doing here?�
�I�m singing, he said. Do you like this song? I made it myself��
�Don�t you recognize me?�, I asked him, a little shocked.
�No� what�s your name?�
I told him my name and reminded him of my school where he used to teach. He said it had been a long time and he didn�t remember.
He had schizophrenia.
�

Ever since then , my motivation grew stronger day after day; I wanted with all my heart and my will to be a psychiatrist. I really wanted to help people, not just give them drugs that could kill them slowly when we know from the beginning they have no hope to survive.
(It took me 2 other years to realize that mental illness was also a hopeless case!!)
During the same training, I noticed that Jack and Cindy, his closest friend, always asked strange questions just in order to challenge the doctor and make him feel that they knew psychiatry better than him!! And he was indeed bothered most of the times�
I never understood their goal. Three months later, at the end of our training, I found out that they both wanted to be psychiatrists� and it was the first time I felt so bad since I overcame my regrets of entering medical school!
I felt awful �
�What do you think, Maggy?�. Maggy was the only common friend between us.
�Don�t give up��, she said as if she meant �You definitely lost, you idiot!�
I thought psychiatry would be the solution, the unique unexpected solution, the only way to make my mother happy and to make my old dream come true at the same time�.
What a loss!! It was even worse than Jack�s doubt to travel.
This time, I really felt crushed!!!
If only I knew what was waiting for me, I would have spared my bad feelings for the serious events�
They were both brilliant, they had excellent grades.
And I knew there was no chance for more than 2 candidates.
Well� I should say� those were the best two! I had to admit it.
�.

All my trials to figure out a plan B failed.
I had really counted on psychiatry as a future career, and it meant so much to me.
All of a sudden, it seemed like if I could never do anything else in life.
I felt like if all the years I spent studying were meaningless!
I was hopeless considering the circumstances, but I was sure it was what God wanted me to do. Here began a new conflict much worse than the first one.
I needed so much hope that I was waiting any news about their plans. I listened to everyone who told me anything and let that affect me in a way that shouldn�t be.
It was my greatest mistake.
It was only the beginning of the struggle.
�

Once we finished our fifth year, we became interns. This meant that we had to spend our last two years in the hospital, taking courses and training at the same time.
We also had to work on a thesis with any doctor we choose, but this was a step to take in the seventh year.
Unfortunately, during the first two months of the sixth year, there were some serious problems in our country� I don�t like to call it �war�. I still refuse to admit it.
This situation lasted for a month during which I couldn�t reach the hospital.
When it all ended, I got back to the hospital and found out that all my classmates had already chosen the doctor they wanted to work with!!! No one even thought to tell me�
I hated betrayal. I felt bitter towards all my friends, all who claimed they were so.
Among these doctors were only 2 psychiatrists. Each one was able to work with only 2 students. The first thing Maggy told me (as welcoming news, I guess) was:
�Don�t bother yourself, they are already taken�
�Are you sure, Maggy?. You know what this means to me�
�I know. That�s why I�m saying don�t have false hopes�
She even gave me more than 4 names to convince me that I had no chance.
What a friend! She was perfect in encouragement!
Because of her words, I didn�t dare to call any psychiatrist. I was sure I would be rejected.
So, as silly as I could be, I went looking for any gynecologist, any endocrinologist, any ophthalmologist, [and] any neurologist to work with.
But I had no luck�They were all abroad, because the airport was still closed. After all, war had just ended. I had to wait for them to come back.
That�s when I thought about trying� just trying.
Nothing to lose�. I could pretend I had no idea he was taken.
I called the psychiatrist that always seemed to be bothered by Jack and Cindy�s questions. To my greatest surprise, he said:
�Yeah, ok. I�ve got only one person, I can work with you!�
Ooooooh!!!!! Maggy�. Why?!!!? What did you do to our friendship, Maggy?!
I had mixed feelings. I couldn�t believe I got that opportunity but couldn�t understand why Maggy did that to me.
�

I started working on my thesis and I had growing hopes that I did a better impression than Jack and Cindy. Almost one year passed. Time came for me to take a new training in the same psychiatric hospital. An old friend, who was a psychiatry resident since 3 years and who was sent to France since her first year, advised me to take an extra month instead of someone else. My friends helped me a lot and suggested I take their month.
But during a whole year, I had to suffer many people telling me that it was impossible.
Yet, I did it. They didn�t pay me the extra month but it was ok with me. I didn�t care for money; I just wanted to make a good impression. But� I soon discovered that Cindy and Jack did the same thing despite all my efforts to keep it secret. My God, would I never get any chance to be special or different?!!! I mean, they had already higher grades than mine�. How would I make up?
�

The two months of training were definitely the best days of my life. Of course there were little moments of deception, failure, disappointment, and low self-esteem but the whole thing was just great. The last day, when the doctor told me that I was very good, I almost forgot all the difficulties and I felt I could, from then on, afford anything and face all injustice to hang on to this new hope.
I spent the whole two months with the same doctor I chose for my thesis. On the first day, the residents told me that, as a girl, I should be in the women�s department, but they made an exception just because I was working with that doctor. In fact, many people had told me the same thing before�Discouragement, discouragement, and more discouragement!
The residents also told me that there was no way I spent the two months with the same doctor� yet they were wrong�
Oh God! How great your work is�. I never understood why I believed people who kept telling me that my dreams will never come true.

Jack was with me during these two months, Cindy had chosen the following two months.
During the training, I got to know Jack more and more. I found out he was a really nice guy who wasn�t as strange as I thought. We finally became friends and I was really surprised to find that I envied him no more nor considered him as a threatening competition. Yet I still couldn�t accept Cindy�s character. Every time I saw how she was behaving with the doctors and the residents, I got depressed. She showed how sure of herself she was. And I felt more than ever that I had no chance. She even made the chief of the psychiatric department like her (I must say how known he was to dislike girls!)!!!
Nobody had mercy� Strangers and friends kept discouraging me on each occasion�
�I heard you were interested in psychiatry, right? Remind me of your rank, please?�
�I heard this year they�re going to take only one resident�
�Do you think you can make it? I mean� as a girl, and as shy as I know you��
�Who told you people trust a woman psychiatrist in our country? Couldn�t you just choose pediatrics?�
How many times I wished I could yell at them �It�s none of your business, people!!! Just leave me in peace��
�

It was an endless year of ups and downs. I came back from the psychiatric hospital very motivated to help mentally ill people even with their health problems because I could see how neglected they were. I thought to chose family medicine and then go to France and pick a Psychiatry option as a secondary specialization. This thought helped me a lot to carry on through this stormy year. Nevertheless, family medicine turned out to be an equally unreachable dream. My rank wouldn�t allow me to get it.
Six months later, I was asked to move to another hospital for 6 months.
There, I was given a responsibility greater than I could afford. And my greatest fear, the one I carried in my heart for 7 years, finally happened. I made a mistake, a huge one.
A cardiac patient came to the ER, I was alone, he had a strange case, I couldn�t diagnose it easily, I called his doctor and discussed the case with him on the phone. He refused to come. Finally, he decided not to admit him. I gave him an injection and some drugs to take at home. The next day, I was surprised to hear the ER responsible calling me to tell me: �You�ve made enough shifts. I want you to get some rest. Keep coming to the hospital, chose other departments, you can go to pediatrics if you want. Do whatever you want, be free� Your salary won�t change; you�ll have a good evaluation. I just don�t want to see you anymore in the ER�.
I think it was the most shocking event of my life, since my best friend had a serious car accident. I tried to protest, to cry for injustice, I asked about the real reasons� nobody would answer me. Everyone liked me, everyone said I was good. They all denied my mistake; they said it wasn�t supposed to be my responsibility. Yet, I couldn�t believe that it had nothing to do with my punishment (Yeah, it could be nothing but a punishment� I was not silly enough to believe it was a reward, as they were telling me!!!)
Since that day, I could never believe in myself, I even doubted I could make it through psychiatry. I started searching elsewhere. I found 2 other universities that taught psychiatry in their hospital centers. One of them was private and the other one was public. I began gathering information about tests and necessary papers� I did everything I could and expected a lot � Finally I knew that the private university didn�t take medical students from other universities. I decided to take the test of the public university at the end of the year. And so I went on with my final year.
�

When I was done with my thesis, I went to the doctor to give him a sample before printing the final version. I was surprised as I heard him ask me:
�You�re interested in psychiatry, aren�t you?�
�Indeed, I am�
�So what are you waiting for?�
�Excuse me?�
�You haven�t applied yet!�
Oh my God!! I realized he was talking as the new chief of the department!!!! I had a greater chance now� He knew me much better than the old one and liked me more than Jack and Cindy. I couldn�t believe he was asking me to apply!!!
�But, doctor, it�s too early�We still have more than a year��
�I know�but your friends already have!�
I couldn�t help getting back the same violent feeling I had the day they chose the doctors to work with on their thesis� Why did they keep doing that? Will that nightmare ever end?
I was so upset that the only thing I could figure out was calling one of the residents and asking him what he knew about the subject. He said he heard that Cindy talked to both doctors but he knew nothing about Jack.
I must have been so annoying and complaining that he proposed helping me write my motivation letter.
�

Everything went great until now. I was always beating the hardest obstacles and going on. I did all I could and I knew the rest was up to him.
Yet, something was missing� I don�t know what happened since the day I gave him this letter. I didn�t want to pursue psychiatry anymore; I think I was too tired of struggling. And I had a feeling it would never work.
During that year, the doctor organized several seminars and conferences gathering many psychiatrists and psychologists. I noticed Jack was never attending, I thought he was busy in hospital.
These seminars convinced me that I�ll never be able to replace my old psychology dream with psychiatry, no matter what I�ll be doing. This decreased my motivation even more�
I kept myself busy studying in order to not torment myself too much about it but I couldn�t.
One day, David called me. David was one of my best friends. He was quite well ranked in the class. I always felt he would be the perfect doctor.
�Anything wrong, David?�
�I have news, you�ll be surprised� I�m quitting�
Was this the year of surprises or what?
�What are you saying? You can�t do that��
�I can�t go on like this for another 7 seven years. I need cash, I need stability, I need to have a family. I need a life!�
I could understand him more than anyone on Earth. He was speaking my own ideas loudly as if he could read my mind.
�So what do you intend to do?�
�I�ll try to apply to many pharmaceutical firms and see what happens�
�I totally agree with you, I wish I had the courage to do the same thing��
�

That night I barely slept� I was seriously thinking.
How come David got that idea while I was so depressed and desperate of psychiatry?
This couldn�t be pure coincidence.
The next day, I called my friend Cynthia. Cynthia was also studying medicine but she was younger than me. Her mother was a psychologist.
�Hi Cynthia. Is your mother home?�
�Yeah, why?�
�Could you please tell her I wanna talk to her?�
�Okay��
She seemed surprised but asked no questions.
Her mother told me about her studies and gave me the name of a private psychotherapist who was teaching her individually the different techniques of psychotherapy. She also said he would give her a French certificate. She gave me his number and encouraged me to tell him I was interested. She was the first person to encourage me.
I called him and he provided me with all details and encouraged me a lot.
I felt such tranquility about my future and that paradoxically increased my laziness and made me let psychiatry go�.
�

Almost two months passed and my mood was still the same. I was drowning in studies, not seeing the goal of succeeding, sometimes thinking depression was the cause and not letting it affect me�
One day, Gloria called me.
�Hey, where have you been all this time?�
I hadn�t seen her since I moved to that hospital.
�Listen, Gloria said, I have good news for you� but you have to promise not to tell anyone, okay?�
�Ok, what�s up?�
�Jack is going to France��
�Who said so?�
�He told me himself, he�s traveling in a month!�
My God� it was like if all the depression went away in an instant!
I was motivated again, more than ever� I wanted to study, to pass tests� I had good reasons now!
�

One month later, we took the test we�ve been studying for all over the year, or maybe I could say for the 7 past years and even for our whole lives.
It was a real fiasco. I�ve never felt so bad in my life.
I couldn�t understand what this game was, why life was throwing me up and down like a ball in the air� I was really confused and thought about nothing, I just wanted to relax. I couldn�t imagine going back to my previous experience in the initial hospital with more responsibilities. I was just not ready�
Three days after the test, I received a call from Cindy!!!!
She said the doctor wanted us to come to the weekly seminar because he wanted to talk to us. It had been almost a month since we hadn�t gone because of the test.
We went there and I was shocked to see Frank, who never attended any seminars. What was he doing there? Could he be interested in psychiatry? I couldn�t believe what was happening� Jack is traveling so Frank should replace him?!!! But Frank did nothing except a thesis with the same doctor� Could it be?!!!
My God� won�t I ever get any permanent hope?
But the worst was yet to come�
�

Soon, the doctor arrived and talked to the three of us: Frank, Cindy, and me.
He said he had made some changes in the rules and that we had to spend our first year in a general hospital with rotations in specific departments, that we had to take psychology courses and help him prepare the seminars of the next year. Then he added:
�This year we had no candidates, so next year we�ll take more than usual�
He meant more than 2 residents. Frank asked him:
�Oh really? Is it possible that you may take 3 residents?�
�If they�re good enough, why not?... Oh by the way�I see Clara couldn�t come. Can you tell her about this?�
It was the first time in my life that I saw Frank and Cindy so shocked; they seemed even more shocked than me�
Clara who? ... The same Clara of our class who never showed any interest in psychiatry?!
What should we tell her? What for? She couldn�t be another competition�
I had the worst rank among the 4 of us. I was in danger again!!!
I HAD ENOUGH!!!
�

I called David as I always did when I had difficulties.
�Wow! I was going to call you!�, he said when he heard my voice
�Why? To tell me about Clara?�
David and Clara were both actually in training in that psychiatric hospital with that doctor.
�Clara?!! No� I just wanted you to know I was going back to medicine� I decided to apply for surgery�
�David� Has everything got to be disappointing today?�
�Why? What is it? I thought you�d be happy��
�Well, I�m not!�
�Why? Is it because of Clara? In fact, what were you saying about her?�
�Did you hear anything that deserves to be told to me?�
�All I heard is what she said to the doctor when he was asking about you and Cindy�
�What? �Wait! What did he want from us? Why didn�t you tell me?�
�Relax� It happened only this morning. He asked us if you have chosen your rotations for next year or not yet because he wanted to tell you that there were specific departments you must be trained in.�
�I know, that�s what he said today�.
�Well yeah� You know Clara � she likes to argue about everything even if it�s none of her business��
�So what?�
�So she objected his asking just about you two! She said: �What if I was interested too?� He said he knew you two were interested from the beginning. She replied that she has to wait for the end of her training to know how interested she would be!!!�
�So you think it�s not serious?!!�
�If I were him, I wouldn�t consider it so�
�I don�t know why he considered her a candidate as serious as us!�
�Never mind�
�Do you think it�s worth it?�
�Of course it is��
Oh David.. For you, it was easy to say�
�

One week later, the doctor told us that he had new conditions�
Frank said he wasn�t sure anymore he wanted psychiatry and Clara regretted she spoke with the doctor�
Cindy and I stated that we�ll do anything he asks, because we simply had no other choice. No one knew I was the most hesitant among the four of us because I was almost sure I was losing a year in vain.
When I got back home, I called my friend Sandra, who was also in her final year of medical studies but in the public university. The first thing she said:
�Why didn�t you take the test with us? You told me you were planning to��
Oops!!! I was so tired of my own university test and so confused about this whole psychiatry story that I completely forgot about it!!!
I said: �It has been a long time I didn�t think about it. I�m so tired that I don�t know if I really still want psychiatry. Besides, you said yourself your university didn�t offer psychiatry residency opportunities�.
�Well it did this year��
�What!!! Sandra� you must be kidding!�
�No, I�m not� oh honey, I�m sorry� I didn�t know what you wanted to do��
�It�s ok� Did anyone get it?�
�Well� uh� nobody wanted it��
Here, I was literally crushed .
What else would happen too?
How long will I be able to suffer, my Lord?
I tried to keep cool
�Don�t worry, it�s better than hesitating between my university and yours.� And I told her what was going on with us, then I added: �Next year, if I don�t get it in my college, I�ll take your test�
�They don�t offer each year an opportunity such as psychiatry!�, she said.
The story doesn�t end here. I went to see Sandra in the hospital and there I met Elissa, one of my classmates, who asked me what she should do to apply for psychiatry!
The next day, my friend called me and told me we got our final grades and i was better ranked than both Frank and Elissa! I went next to college and found out that Frank had beaten me with only 3 ranks.
Meanwhile, Elissa had changed her mind, app;lied for anesthesia, and was accepted. Moreover, she told me that she heard Frank would probably travel.
The day we gathered to decide our posts with the doctors, we knew there would be only 2 psychiatry residents. Frank and I decided to call the psychiatrist who previously told us they would be 3, he said they would be 2! Frank decided to quit and travel while I had no choice�
I chose to carry on without any specific reason or rational hope but i just didn't want to screw it all up because of despair... I just wanted to try ad take my chances... Who knows?... Maybe one day, they would do me some exceptional favor...
Two weeks later, one of our colleagues who chosen the histopathology section, said she couldn't afford the laboratory ambiance. She simply quitted and told me she was going to apply for psychiatry!!!
...

What else can I say?
This is the story of my struggle and pursuit of my future career
I�m stopping here because that�s where I decided to write it.
I don�t know what could happen in the future.
All I know is nobody should choose a future career without knowing it well or loving it beyond the possible�
�Of course it�s worth it�, David says. But what do you say?
This crazy journey pursuing something much greater than my potentials turned me into an old, tired, depressed person who had no more ambition.
I know what I have overcome. I know it wasn�t coincidence.
I know we should always try our best before saying: �We have failed�
If we don�t win, we lose nothing. But what if we don�t want to win?
What if we were sure this road will never lead to happiness?
What if the dream turns into a nightmare and we don�t want it to come true?
I really need advice�
When I look into my future, I can see nothing but a black whole�
Could it just be the depression talking through me?
I don�t know�
All I know is that, no matter what happens later, one thing I will never forget and I�ll keep hearing a voice repeating it in my mind, especially on cold Christmas nights, and that is:�
�It�s raining, it�s snowing, it�s freezing��