Rules for Writers

10 Commandments

1. Abandon Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. It's a dangerous and heartless world for those who put their fears and hearts out into the world for review.

2. Respect the stupid man. Though they be ignorant and nuisance, they also be your audience, many stupid people in the world. Write for the audience because no one cares about you.

3. Destroy yourself and your craft. There is no craft in writing, not anymore, never again. The New York Times Best Selling authors say that they have an office in their homes where they work 8 hour days with a lunch break in between, and in that time they force themselves to write. Whatever comes out is forced. No art. Sell.

4. Be irrational. The tallest of the tall tales makes for good sci fi. If you wanted to write a coherent story, you should have been a screenwriter.

5. Become a Creative Genius. Go sit by yourself in the aisles of Barnes and Noble and just read. Many people's intelligence can't support their imagination, so become intelligent. Creative Genius' are people who are amazing at being completely wrong, but do it so that it sounds like it could be right.

6. Stay in school. Let them purge your gift from your system and give you their way of doing it. If you follow the program, you'll transfer to USC where you'll get a Master's in Creative Writing and become rich and famous like Stephen Spielberg. The worse that will happen is that you will end up being a legal secretary and they make good money. All your lousy natural talent will get you is some luck.

7. Don't hang out on writer's websites. They're full of people who believe in themselves. People who believe in themselves put everything of themselves into their writing, so when you critique their writing, you are critiquing them. If someone called you fat, you'd punch them too even if you were fat. Never say anything but nice things about someone's writing, flattery may get you a job and at worse may get you laid.

8. Don't listen to what "those who've been published" have to say, go straight to a publisher and ask them if your stuff is crap or not because in the end, all every writer is doing is guessing at what may or may not get published. Isaac Asimov got rejected right up to the end of his days. You're wasting your time and emotions listening to writing guru's.

9. Never fall with a friend. Though you be an angel, fallen angels always end up in Hell.

And last but not least…

10. If at first you don’t succeed…quit.

Reviews

[Brooklyn Darkchild]

Great Article.
I want to say Hilarious!
But I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I guess beneath every sarcastic, satirical piece lies a heart once shredded like a crooked accountant's tax files. Some of the things you list are downright, painfully, true. And yet,
we continue to write. Why???
Who knows.
Be Blessed!
DC

[Jaclyn]

I picked up on a lot of humor in here, and some of it really made me laugh, but I picked up on a ton of disappointment and pain in here as well, tucked neatly away in cynicism. And I don't know that I believe in myself as a member of this writer's website...but I do believe in some of the writers here instead....however, I found it completely accurate that the published writers on here are largely arrogant and overrated. I don't understand what makes something publishable (sp?) at all, and you're correct on the point that people will read the stupid stuff and make it successful...it's depressing.

Good one!

[Aire]

XD Now these are some good rules to listen to! not that i would but some of them are worth a try, especially that last one "If at first you don't succeed . . . quit."
Oh and thanx for the review on vamps, i can't even remember how long back i wrote that! But yeah i had to rewrite it after i found out even MORE about writing of which i didn't know before.
Now then on to the rest of your work . . . *marches away*

[Luna]

I don't think there are proper words to express how much I enjoyed this. Poignant. Real. Cynical. Hilarious.

I loved it.

~ Linda

[Eagle Cruagh]

What a crock !

I like you and admire your writing , but think you are full of undigested
bran flakes.

Write from the stream, whatever comes out is either good or not so good, there
is someone , somewhere who will love it. There is an unsophisticated soul in
this world , somewhere, who will learn from it.

'So, stuff the depressive blues B.S. and just write.

I think you did an amazing job on this article, considering that it is all nonsense.
Just think what you could have done with some actual factual material .

Your greatest admirer, if not your most astute critic.

---- Eagle Cruagh

[Nicole Hellene]

well I can't help thinking of all the writers who didn't make it and are great writers. The audience sucks, if you don't write at a sixth grade level and make your story jam packed with so much action it'll kill you, they won't read your book and publishers won't publish it even if its the next Jane Austen. There are better things to waste your life on then trying to become a writer if you're ahead of your time or smarter than the masses. If you're just as idiotic as your audience though, by all means, here's a Pulitzer Prize!

[Alyssa Sta. Cruz]

I loved everything, BUT the ending. Hahahaha.

While yes, it was hella funny, I can't help thinking of my favorite authors, who were rejected hundreds of times by publishers before being accepted and subsequently gaining cult followings for their novels. And we're all humans, correct? Errors and mortality go hand-in-hand.

Then again, I could be reading far too much into this. Teehee.

[Michael Carr]

love the ending.
why are you on this site though? you broke the 7th law. devil child!
humorous, quirky, and fun to read. well done.

[LizLadyNinja]

HAHA I love the ending! :) It made me smile. Thanks for sharing this was most definatly a day brightener!

[Tomás Ó C..]

If at forst you dont succeed, cover all evidence you tried! (Irish solution to an Irish problem!)

I must print this out and stick it on my wall!!!!

[d]

...Never say anything but nice things about someone's writing, flattery may get you a job and at worse may get you laid...ain't it the truth...this piece made my day!