Rules for Writers

10 Commandments

1. Abandon Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. It's a dangerous and heartless world for those who put their fears and hearts out into the world for review.

2. Respect the stupid man. Though they be ignorant and nuisance, they also be your audience, many stupid people in the world. Write for the audience because no one cares about you.

3. Destroy yourself and your craft. There is no craft in writing, not anymore, never again. The New York Times Best Selling authors say that they have an office in their homes where they work 8 hour days with a lunch break in between, and in that time they force themselves to write. Whatever comes out is forced. No art. Sell.

4. Be irrational. The tallest of the tall tales makes for good sci fi. If you wanted to write a coherent story, you should have been a screenwriter.

5. Become a Creative Genius. Go sit by yourself in the aisles of Barnes and Noble and just read. Many people's intelligence can't support their imagination, so become intelligent. Creative Genius' are people who are amazing at being completely wrong, but do it so that it sounds like it could be right.

6. Stay in school. Let them purge your gift from your system and give you their way of doing it. If you follow the program, you'll transfer to USC where you'll get a Master's in Creative Writing and become rich and famous like Stephen Spielberg. The worse that will happen is that you will end up being a legal secretary and they make good money. All your lousy natural talent will get you is some luck.

7. Don't hang out on writer's websites. They're full of people who believe in themselves. People who believe in themselves put everything of themselves into their writing, so when you critique their writing, you are critiquing them. If someone called you fat, you'd punch them too even if you were fat. Never say anything but nice things about someone's writing, flattery may get you a job and at worse may get you laid.

8. Don't listen to what "those who've been published" have to say, go straight to a publisher and ask them if your stuff is crap or not because in the end, all every writer is doing is guessing at what may or may not get published. Isaac Asimov got rejected right up to the end of his days. You're wasting your time and emotions listening to writing guru's.

9. Never fall with a friend. Though you be an angel, fallen angels always end up in Hell.

And last but not least…

10. If at first you don’t succeed…quit.

Reviews

[Brooklyn Darkchild]

Great Article.
I want to say Hilarious!
But I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I guess beneath every sarcastic, satirical piece lies a heart once shredded like a crooked accountant's tax files. Some of the things you list are downright, painfully, true. And yet,
we continue to write. Why???
Who knows.
Be Blessed!
DC

[Fallon]

hahaha niceeee sounds about right to me.

2. Respect the stupid man. Though they be ignorant and nuisance, they also be your audience, many stupid people in the world. Write for the audience because no one cares about you.

Thats my favorite

[Jacob Ives]

It's all true. Sometimes I wish more people would follow the last one. You know. Those who want fame and OMG isn't this the bset? 9 seems kind of erpsonal. erpsonal? Everyone is guessing, and yes, just send it to someone. Poetry: mags, journals first.

The gift of bullshit is a great one. With it comes great responsibilities, though. And by that i mean, if you abuse it, people will think/know you're full of s**t and become suspicious.

[Roger Ferguson II]

-lol- i loved reading this! it was very ammusing, and also sadly true in many ways.

[bluessadmood]

now this is so honest ,right to the point ,rules of how to about writing ,you know all these thoughts crossed my mind such wise reasoning ,i liked it ,and every one should read this,great ,thank you

[Raef C. Boylan]

An amusing mix of cynicism, sarcasm and [disturbingly] truth.
Really enjoyed this. Nice to see a 'writing article' that actually says something original...and entertaining.

"2. Respect the stupid man. Though they be ignorant and nuisance, they also be your audience, many stupid people in the world. Write for the audience because no one cares about you." - I think this was my favourite, but I love them all. The fantasy worlds of many writers seem to be full of intellects who are in awe of them, and yet they expect to sell and get rich off their 'art'.
Hmm. Time to prioritise, guys.

"Though they be ignorant and nuisance," [a nuisance?]

"they also be your audience, many stupid people in the world." [suggest changing the comma for a hyphen or semi colon; better impact]

"Creative Genius' are people" [I back up the others who've said plural = Geniuses]

" "those who've been published" have to say, go straight to a publisher " [suggest semi colon again]

Overall, thanks for writing and posting this.
Even we Creative Geniuses [ha] need cheering up sometimes.

[w. r.]

amen.

[blacksky45]

ok im going to be nice and say that i dont agree with anything you said. you do make some good points though and this is definatly making me think

[Brandon T. Bisceglia]

Hey! Wonderfully tongue-in-cheek. It was a veritable romp.

I've broken (or followed?) pretty much every rule listed here. Sometimes two at a time.

A note on Commandment #7. If I was fat, and somebody told me I was fat in derogatory tones, that would warrant a punch. But if they told me in constructive tones - if I could glean that they were concerned or trying to help me - I'd be grateful.

In my opinion, it goes like this: any real writer will have to deal with criticsm. Taking that in stride is something that ANY artist must learn to do. to be successful. It doesn't mean that you must accept every bit of advice that comes your way. It means that you must consider them on an individual basis, keeping in mind the possiblilty that someone else might actually be able to help you.

If you're posting on a writing site, then unless you explicitly state otherwise, you must expect people to judge your work. Why else even be on such a site? After all, if all you want to do is share experiences or emotions, you can go to livejournal, myspace, blogger, or any other of a thousand sites. There are friends lists, blogs, comments, groups - everything we've got here EXCEPT the critical opinions. That's what makes a writing site what it is.

Eh. I know I'm grasping at straws on this. People will do what they want, and then get offended when the logical consequences of their actions occur. I can't fathom that kind of disconnected mindset, but I'm well aware it exists, and I don't expect that my griping will make it change.

Anyway, plural of "genius" is "geniuses," not "genius'." You're using the possessive form.

Great piece. Sorry again for ranting.

[John Stussy]

Seems to be correct in some cases, but as always, there are those who bust the system themselves, or are born flawed enough that the rules bend for them. Some points I would disagree with, I'd prefer to be a poor honest guy than a rich butt kisser personally, but there are some good points you make, like the comments about creative geniuses and the stupidity of the majority of the audience.

[Rain]

If someone called you fat, you'd punch them too even if you were fat. Never say anything but nice things about someone's writing, flattery may get you a job and at worse may get you laid.

Weird line. I'd say if you don't like something, you owe it to the person to explain why. You have to have thick skin here, but you also deserve respect. All writer's deserve that if they are real writers. There are always ways to make your feelings known, without letting yourself loose control. I have rated many pieces I didn't agree with and gave them a decent rating because of the way it was written, the thought that was put into it, the passion. I never judge a person on one piece, especially when I don't know their life. To destroy a persons hard work because of a line or two is immature. Rain..