First Dance

A girl dancing with the boy that she is in love with.

I was walking fast almost running, Lisa still caught up with me. She said:

“Please go! Why don’t you want to go?” she sighed angrily.

I looked at her and shook my head. She narrowed her eyes and tried different static. She said:

“Ok, but he will be there.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I stopped dead at my tracks. I said angrily at her:

“Don’t you dare to mention him! I hate him!”

She sighed annoyingly at me. We started walking again to our class. She tried again:

“No, you don’t. You love him.”

I shushed her and shook my head. Lisa was my best friend forever and as you saw, she cares about me, too. But sometimes she goes too far. Yes, I love Alex, but I don’t know if he loves me. That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that he’ll break my heart and I’ll be a lifeless body without a soul. I shivered. She said:

“Please, please, please! If you won’t like it,” she stopped and made a face,” you’ll go home, ok?”

I laughed at her face. She hated to say those words and still she said them with a face. I laughed and laughed. Lisa said:

“Ok, ok, I get it. So, Laura, will you go?”

I knew how much courage she needed to say those words, so I nodded. She squealed and I giggled. I can’t wait until the Christmas dance.

The night had come. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I had beautiful blue dress and pretty blue shoes. I took my favourite necklace and white earrings. I looked at myself again and went to the car. I drove about several minutes to Lisa’s house. I stopped and waited. At last she went out from the front door and ran toward the car. When Lisa opened the door, blast of the cold air hit me. I shivered and turned the heat on. She asked me hopefully:

“So, you are really going?”

I nodded and she smiled at me:

“Something tells me that you are going to have best day ever.”

I laughed and started driving:

“Yeah, something told you that it’s going to be best day ever when I baked a cake.”

Lisa looked at me and then joined in. When we parked, we were giggling. She asked me:

“Are you ready?”

I nodded and we opened the doors at the time. We ran through snowflakes that were coming down on our heads. At last we went through the door. We were laughing this time. We looked around and saw that there were many people. Lisa went to take the drinks and I went to sit. I laid my head against the cool wall and sighed. I wondered if Alex was here. Someone called my name and I opened my eyes. I saw Lisa and a boy. I looked closely at him and saw that that boy was Alex. I gasped and looked at Lisa. She said and gave me my drink:

“Here. Laura, this is Alex. Alex, this is Laura.”

He smiled at me:

“Hello.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I tried again. At last I smiled at him and said:

“I’m sorry, but could I talk to her in private?”

He nodded. I thought I saw a glimpse of sad expression came over his face, but when I looked more closely it was gone. I took Lisa by hand and lead her away form Alex. I asked her:

“Okay, what is he doing here?”

She didn’t answer me, but smiled and lead me back to Alex. She said when we came near Alex:

“I’m sorry, but I have to check out that cute guy. I’ll leave you alone.”

I started to say something, but Alex took my hand and smiled at Lisa:

“It’s okay.”

She nodded and took off. I looked down at his hand and mine, then I looked at his face and my heart skipped a beat. He was smiling a real smile:

“Do you want to dance?”

I nodded and Alex led me toward the dancing people. He put his arms on my back and I put my arms around his neck. He was looking at my face for a long time. He leaned forward and said, breathing to near my ear:

“I love you. Would you go out with me?”

I widened my eyes at him and stepped back. He lowered his head, sighed and turned to go. I felt stab in my heart and I took his hand before he could leave. He looked back at me and I nodded at him smiling. He smiled back and pulled me into a kiss.

Author's Note

Feel free to review and correct me.

Reviews

[Persona]

You don't have the best grammar and use of punctuation Ice Girl, but overall this was good.
"tried different." The word "a" needs to be in there
"stopped dead" finish the sentence there.
The first sentence needs work too - "I was walking fast almost running," try "I was practically running" just make it shorter and snappier.
"She cares about me too" and now it's slipping into present tense instead of being in past tense.
You repeat yourself unnecessarily "a lifeless body without a soul." Lifeless body basically says the same thing
It feels like you get a little stuck too, "laughed and laughed." As a writer, it's best to cut what isn't absolutely essential and this part feels like you're trying to buy time. There are too many 'oks' and granted this is teenage language, and that it can convey the instability of your characters, but it feels like you're struggling again. "She squealed" then suddenly "I can't wait." Choose - past or present. These must be really chirpy people because they're always laughing and giggling.
Lead her away "form" you mean "From." It is always good for a writer to proof-read their work before publishing it and I think that this would be much easier to read if you left more space between paragraphs as at the moment, it's too compact.
WHAT I LIKE = simple, easy to read as a whole. The character names are generic and therefore you're not trying to be outlandish - so as a writer you're trying to make things easier for your readers. That is a big plus most writers ignore. You are more focused on actions rather than feelings, so I would be tempted if I were you to build upon my skills of description. I actually think you would be very talented if you wrote in the third person rather than first because of this.
I like what the character is wearing and thus makes me think that you have an eye for fashion - maybe physical descriptions of people would make this better as I have no true image of Alex, Lisa or Laura. They feel like floating people - almost there, but not quite. This story was very reflective of the stereotype teen and so can have large appeal. I like the overall length as you were trying not to drag out the story and kept the plotline simple.

[Lydia]

Very talented work!

[Archia]

Sweet ending, happy and truly sweet. There a few typos here and there, some missed words, so I'd suggest that you re-read it to pick those up.
But you can't really judge something on typos. I really enjoyed the sweetness in this, and the simpleness of the plot, it didn't get overly complicated, only a few characters. So really, short and sweet.

[Aeternal Oceanfire]

I think a simple "I love you," at the end would have been sufficient, but Scorpios are critics. I would love to dance for the first time with someone, but at my school all they play are Justin Bieber and a bunch of hip-hop and rap songs.

[Cancelled]

I loved it, I really hope that you do win the competition! :D

[Jamie Raintree]

Lisa seems like a really great best friend to have. I don't know if any of my friends would ever do that for me! You do a great job of showing the close relationship between the girls. My suggestion would be to work on smoothing out your dialogue to make it a little less jilted. Other than that, very sweet story.

[William Teague]

First off, It's hard to believe that you are 13. That said; this is the first piece of yours I've read so far and you skills are incredible. You seem to have a lot of work posted and I look forward to reading more of it. I would guess that you read a lot as well. I think there is a few (very minor) errors that could be corrected with a simple re-read. I don't know your aspirations, but if they include becoming a published writer; you're well on your way. You seem to possess not only skill, but a true talent. Your characters have voice and perspective. Some would-be writers never attain these important skills and craft. Older people may question the (Love) part in this story; however if we old people think back, this feeling of love is quite real, immediate from the perspective of (Young love) or (Puppy love) as it's called. Maybe you can continue to explore the feelings and attitudes between adults and youngsters regarding the topic. Perhaps the resentments that young people may feel, such as; "I know what my moms talking about but she just doesn't understand, this is real." I'm just throwing it out there for food for thought. Anyway; great write. Keep with it!

[~ Stefanie ~]

Great emotion written in this piece! Well done!

[_]

awww its so sweet these mythical feelings of love i'll never understand but this was a gorgeous version of love :)

[Worfy]

You have captured the uncertainty of a first love. There are nice details with your attire and I enjoyed your main character's interactions with her friend. My main criticism is that it all seems a little too easy. Where is the conflict? And does he really love her before they've had their first dance?