Empty

For my beautiful little ball of fur.

With just a corner of my eye I saw the vet as she approached, and I was well aware of the syringe she held in her shaky hand. During all that time we'd known each other, she'd grown fond of Nei herself, so that must've been hard for her as well. Or maybe she just didn't like to do it, to be the caller of death?
"I'm so sorry," she stuttered, "but it has to be done."
I nodded, feeling the growing lump in my throat, and I dropped my head to look at the weakened, haggard body lying nearly inertly on my lap, as the vet lowered herself to the floor beside me and removed the cover from the needle.
"Can I?" I asked and she silently put it in my palm. I shut my eyes tight, took a deep breath, felt a shiver run down my spine--oh, how much I hated to do this! He's in pain, I reminded myself, in terrible pain. He's too weak to jump or to chew on the harder chunks of food. He's just suffering on his long way to salvation, and you, you have to get over your damn egoism and help him out.
When I finally raised my lids, Nei was looking at me with his huge, green eyes, but they lacked his usual glimpse of intelligence. Instead, they were filled with pain, resignation and acceptance, as though he not only knew what was coming, but also craved the relief it would bring.
The vet just sat there, silent, giving me as much time as I needed to say goodbye. But I couldn't, not just yet, for something weird, stuck deep inside me, refused to accept even the mere vision of life without him: without his runny-nose snores, his beautiful smart eyes, and the times when he snuggled to my neck on cold nights. But I also knew it wasn't me who mattered here and that he waited impatiently for me to give him this damn fatal shot.
Nei, with difficulty, raised his little paw towards me and attempted to meow, but he was too weak to make the sound hearable; I caught his paw and pressed my lips against it, my eyelids burning and sore, my vision blurry. I noticed a drop running down his chest fur and I realized it was first of many tears that were about to be shed that day.
"It'll help you," I whispered more to reassure myself than him, as he already seemed to know that. Then, with a sudden outburst of determination, I grabbed a roll of his shoulder skin and forced the needle into it.
As much as he had always hated injections and battled hard to defend himself, Nei was lying still now, waiting for his fate to find its end in the web of his veins. I tossed the syringe on the ground and raised him to my arms, knowing I had only a short while left before he'd fall asleep for ever.
My shattered mind struggled hard against it, but soon it had to accept that this furry thing I was still holding close to my chest wasn't my beloved little kitty anymore--now, it was just a piece of flesh. I wasn't going to see Nei's eyes ever again or to hear him snore, or to feel his warm abdomen embracing my neck--but none of these were completely clear to me, not until I stared into the purple carrier, standing at the wall. At that very moment I felt a sob tearing apart my lungs and I wailed loudly into that unhearing ear of his, as I knew that, when I'd take it home today, the carrier would be painfully light and empty.

Author's Note

This is a story I wrote about a year ago, when my cat, Nei, had some leukemia tumors on his medulla oblongata. He received steroids, but there was a chance they might not help him and he'd have to be put down. This was really keeping me up at nights. Thankfully, he got better, and the tumors are no longer a threat to his life, so let us say this story is just a pessimistic spin-off to the reality.
---
Please be so kind to ignore whatever you think might be a logical or factual error, since this is a personal story and written only to convey the feelings I had felt when confronted with merely a threat of losing my cat. Whatever errors there might or might nor be, I am well-aware of them and decided to leave them like that for the sake of the flow and continuity.

Reviews

[zainul]

Your beautiful little ball of fur lives now to please you and all of us.
Great write.
Enjoyed reading.

[Harmonia Chimera]

Thank you! He's sitting on my desk right now and looked really interested when your comment pulled up, so I guess he says 'thank you', too!

[zainul]

Let him know that I have said ,"You are welcome,lovely friend".
I appreciate your love and compassion for him.

[Marie]

I'm so glad your cat got better. Mine didn't.

[Harmonia Chimera]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how it is to lose an animal, and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, even though death is one of the certain things in life. Especially death of a beloved animal can't be avoided when you decide to have one. Many people don't want to take animals in because they fear the day they'll lose them, but anybody who ever did knows those years of happiness and unrequited love are worth anything. Thank you for your comment.

[Marie]

I had two other cats, and I got a little kitten, so that we could be a three cat family again.

[Harmonia Chimera]

Yes, the best remedy for the pain of losing an animal is another animal :) I know exactly what you mean, when I was born, there was already a dog in the house (she was a year older), and as soon as she died, we took a cat in, and so on. Now I live with two dogs and three cats, so basically there has never been a time in my life that we didn't have a pet.

[Marie]

I've had pets almost all my life. I wouldn't be without my cats now.

[The Mutterer]

This was really moving. It is a daunting experience to go through when your pet is dying/might die. My dog died around three years ago and this story portrays a lot of the emotions you go through really well. Thanks for uploading :)

[Harmonia Chimera]

And thank you for the review! I'm very sorry for your dog, I'm sure he/she was a great friend. I'm glad you could connect, hope it helped a little bit. And thanks again!

[The Mutterer]

My pleasure, you are very talented :)