Introducing North

North is a teenage boy by day, and an super-human assassin for the government by night. This is my first story, so please don't hate too hard lol. Please, please, plaease leave advice and critiques

            Thump thump, thump thump, thump thump. That was the only thing North could feel as he ran through the dense, black forest. He had been trying to outrun the Enforcers, and their mutts, for hours now. He was running because he knew what they would do if they caught him. Every time he thought they had, finally, lost his scent; he would then hear the deep bark from one of the mutts. The Enforcers were the personal guards of the Council.  They saw to any dirty work the Council wanted them to do. They had been protecting members of the Council since the founding of the base.

            Suddenly a tree appeared directly in the path of North; exhausted as he was, he could not stop himself from hitting the tree. His right shoulder hit first, and because of his momentum, the impact spun him around like a top. He landed heavily on his right shoulder; the force from the landing jarring his whole body.

            Something shifted underneath his feet, and suddenly, the earth beneath him collapsed. North yelped as he slid down the now moving ground. When he finally stopped sliding, he heard the howling of the mutts again. Quickly, he pressed his back into the moist earth.

            The hound stopped just above the freshly fallen slope. North heard the sharp intakes of its breath as it panted above him. North noticed it seemed to be sniffing the air, no doubt searching for his scent. He slowly reached down, searching for something to throw. His hand finally closed around a wet rock; slowly, he focused intently on the rock and tried to send it flying in the other direction. To his surprise, it actually sped off into the forest, striking a tree a hundred yards away with a violent crack. Immediately, the mutt barked, a sound that pierced his heart and freeze it with fear. It snapped its muzzle closed with a noisy clattering of teeth and raced after the noise the rock had created.     

            North slowly let out a breath he had not realized he had been holding. He closed his eyes with an exhausted breath. When North took a deep, shuddering breath in, a foul odor pervaded his nose, and into his mouth. The taste of it was so strong he gagged involuntarily. He slowly opened his eyes fearing what would be there. When his eyes opened, the first thing he saw were the bloodshot eyes of another massive beast. The animal growled with menace, its teeth bared in a vicious snarl.

            The mutt lunged towards his throat, ready to rip it open and end his life, North awoke with a silent scream of terror. His eyes shot open with startling speed, barely holding back a scream, his breathing ragged. North had been teaching himself not to scream. To scream was to show fear, fear is a weakness, and weakness means death here. Without warning North had a flashback to when he first was Recruited.

            It was Saturday, September 25, his older brothers birthday. His mother had planned his part weeks in advance; mother always loved her kids’ parties big. His brother, Caleb, was obsessed with a movie series called Star Wars; and therefore, the party was themed like it.

            They had all picked out their favorite characters from the movies, North's favorite character was Luke Skywalker, on account of North's shaggy, blonde hair. Caleb's favorite person was Anakin Skywalker, which went with his own long, unruly brown hair. Their mother's was Queen Amidala; and that was also a good fit, as she had the personality and body as her.

            At the party, there were over fifty kids, on account that Caleb could make friends like nobody's business. After everyone had begun mock fighting with everyone's respective characters and weapons, Caleb and North ended up fighting each other.

            They both had lightsabers, so they were evenly matched in battle. Turns out it was too even of a match because ended up becoming an actual fight because neither of them could land a blow on the other boy. Caleb was the stronger of the two, but North had a major advantage because of his speed. North ended up just running in circles around Caleb, his robes flapping wildly. Caleb finally reached the breaking point and shoved his hand out, hoping to hit North; but instead a wall of invisible energy hit North in the side, tossing him a couple yards away where he landed with a heavy thump.

           

 

 

Reviews

[A Ghost of Myself]

(That was) [T]he only thing North could feel as he ran through the dense, black forest.
He had been trying to outrun the Enforcers(,) and their mutts(,) for hours (now).

(He was running because) [H]e knew what they would do if they caught him.

The Enforcers were the personal guards of the Council. [Drop to new paragraph]

They saw to any dirty work the Council wanted them to do. [They saw to the dirty work the for the council]

Suddenly [try and avoid using suddenly, out-of-nowhere, all-of-the-sudden. In writing nothing happens suddenly, its the tone, the pace, and the writer's dictation that carry the story.]

Something shifted underneath his feet(,) [.] (and suddenly)(,) [T]he earth beneath him [began to] collapse(d).

You have a good start to your story, and the two siblings battling it out is very realistic. You have some problems but they're not hard to fix: one would be punctuation. Try running your work through something like PaperRater.com, the other is to look through your lines to see what words can be removed to make the sentences strong, also put your subject first, instead of, running as fast as he can North . . . write it as North ran as fast as he could.

I hope these few edits can be of help.