A snippet from the future.

A piece of free writing that developed a mind of it's own.

Prior to the nuclear war of 2025 the whole world had been engulfed in fame culture. Celebrities were God’s, immortalised and worshiped and when Paris Hilton became President of the United States of America she decreed that schools, colleges and universities would base their entire education system around celebrity culture. At first there was resistance but when President Paris (she insisted on being called President Paris because apparently the initials P.P. looked cuter on a dressing gown than P.H.) ordered martial law and the death penalty to anyone opposing her ideas the people soon stepped back into line.

 

World war had been triggered when the Mexican gossip magazine ‘Ole’ printed several unflattering photos of President Paris. The irate U.S government responded by running several full length features in every worldwide gossip magazine. They demanded the immediate withdrawal of ‘Ole’ from every store around the world and just to get even revealed the truth about their turbulent on/off relationship with Mexico. But it was to no avail. The Mexicans paid no attention and stood firm.

 

Next came UN imposed sanctions that cut Mexico off with food, medicine and the hugely awaited edition of Katie Price’s seventeenth autobiography entitled ‘I just won’t die out of principal.’ Again, the defiant Mexicans paid no attention and stood firm. Finally, when all diplomatic avenues had been exhausted President Paris Hilton issued a statement to her country and the world via Twitter.

 

‘OMG! WTF is Mecsico doin? Anyway big props to da UN 4 lettin me bomb da s**t out of them. U R all my BFF’s, LU4eva. L8r…….P.P. xxxxxx’

 

On the fifteenth of September at 0600h with full support from the world and a facebook group called ‘No one disses Prez Pazz and gets away wiv it’, the United States of America launched a full nuclear attack on Mexico. However, what the United States didn’t know was that Mexico had a defence programme for just such an encounter and when the Americans fired their missiles the Mexicans deployed into the atmosphere a country sized sombrero made of vulcanised rubber that caused the bombs to bounce hap hazard back into orbit before returning and landing on several other countries. The first nation to be struck was Norway but thankfully they were out on a camping holiday so no one was harmed. But not wanting to alienate their Nordic allies the apologetic Americans left chocolates and a note that said ‘sorry, we bombed you while you were out.’

 

When the nuclear winter was over the remaining survivors rebuilt and created a new society based on the principles of non-celebrity. They decreed that the cult of celebrity had been the cause of the end of the civilised world and no longer would it poison the minds of the human race. The new message in society was ‘fame is shame’ and anyone caught even muttering the word celebrity would face the death penalty.

This was truly unfortunate for a guy called Jimmy Smith from Kent who during childhood had fallen into a pit full of celebrities all intertwined and wriggling. So traumatised from the experience he developed what doctors referred to as ‘sneezy Tourette syndrome’ which meant every time he sneezed he said the name of the thing that terrified him the most -- celebrity. One day while walking with his wife and two grandchildren he caught a nose-full of dust which led to the sneeze that would cost him his life. His nose twitched and his face curled up and despite his wife’s panicked warnings the sneeze took over.

‘Cel…………..Celeb……………Celebri……………………..CELEBRITY!!’ The poor b*****d didn’t stand a chance and before he could clean his nose with a tissue he was being manhandled into a police van headed for the execution centres.

 

The only time the word celebrity was allowed to be used was every Saturday night on the only television programme that was allowed to be broadcast " ‘Celebrity Robot Armageddon.’ The show takes place in the nuclear wastelands of Middle America in stadiums that can seat over a million people. Sky scraper sized robots that have been modelled on post war celebrities battle it out to the death.

 

Due to fantastic breakthroughs in cyber-biology scientists can re-create the personalities of any person throughout history. These personalities are then downloaded into the mainframe of the giant robots in a process called ‘initiation.’ Such is the nature of the programme that when the robots come online they are to all intense and purposes the same person they used to be with all their memories, habits and above all fears. Fear is the most important element in the whole process. The millions of people who watch want only one thing -- to see the huge battle-droids afraid.

 

When the first battle had taken place it didn’t go exactly to plan due to the huge Michael Barrymore droid having a meltdown when he was bought online. He could just about cope with the fact he was no longer human and the world as he knew it had ended, but what he couldn’t take was the hatred. The deafening hum of over one million people booing him caused him to go haywire resulting in him tearing off his own head.

The next bout had been between Michael Caine and the Scottish warbler " Lulu. Under remote control the two huge warbots lumbered out in to the centre of the arena and the million or so crowd fell silent. The referee’s helicopter buzzed around the heads of the Goliaths and everything was set for initiation. When they bought the robots online nobody could have predicted what happened next. After surveying themselves and the surrounding area the two droids embraced and hugged each other warmly.

 

‘Lulu!’

 

‘Michael you old scoundrel’

 

After a few minutes of pleasantries and reminiscing the crowd became restless and began booing. So the referee ordered the pair to fight.

 

‘Fight?’ boomed the Caine droid. ‘Not on your Nellie.’

 

The referee insisted and told both fighting droids that if they didn’t fight they would both be shut down and their parts used to manufacture reality show celebrity robots. On hearing this, the huge Michael Caine droid lashed out with a deafening backhand slap that sent the Lulu droid crashing to the floor. The ground shook like an earthquake. The crowd roared. This was what they wanted.

 

The Lulu warbot got back to her feet and with a smile deployed her secret weapon. Hundreds and hundreds of smaller lulu droids poured out of the cavernous nostrils and scurried across the arena floor towards Caine who was clearly panicked as he tried stamping on the smaller droids. But it was hopeless they were too quick and their numbers too great. Caine’s secret weapon of excessive pointing and shouting for no apparent reason was useless against the tiny droids who clambered over his hull like ants. He stomped and swiped but it was no use. It took only a matter of minutes for the droids to eat through his operating systems. As he lay crumpled on the arena floor the broken Caine droid managed to speak for one last time before he shut down.

 

‘Lulu’s’ he said ‘thousands of em.’

 

The people in the stadium roared. People at home hugged and cheered. They had found something that fulfilled their entertainment needs -- the death of celebrities, albeit giant fighting robot celebrities. And this would keep them happy and in line for the next millennia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is just somthing I did one morning, pretty much in one go. It's nothing serious but I liked the absurdity of it!

Reviews

[TLK]

I can see that this rushed out in one absurd gasp, as it has a wonderful tone of illogical connection between the parts.

Because it was done in one go, it's not entirely polished. A little bit of editing would help in some areas, e.g.: "Celebrities were God’s, immortalised and worshiped..." but it didn't stop me from reading and enjoying.

Getting to the Lulu pun was worth it, although I found the image of her massive nostrils disgorging robots to be even more amusing.

This almost reads like a parody of Olaf Stapledon's "Last and First Men", which is a lecture from the future about the history of the human race from the 20th Century right up until the end. It's an amazing book, and you've captured the spirit of a free-wheeling imagination extrapolating humanity's future and made it amusingly dystopian.


I say we kill all of the celebrities, now, and start worshipping little clay idols. You know it's the only way to stop us from destroying each other.

[ian8777]

Thanks a lot for the critique.... To be honest I thought of that Lulu pun and rote the story around that..... thanks again.I will be sure to check out some of your work!