A Letter to my Dead Ex-boyfriend

 
Dear Justin,

It's been 922 days since you died. Yes, I counted. Today, I read the journal I talked about you most in. It's amazing how many little details I remember, even now. I'm probably only writing this because I forgot to take my medication this morning and had a relapse, and have been listening to extremely mellow/depressing music all day.
 

You've missed so much stuff here. It turns out that I wasn't "only changing for the season." Things are different without you here. The pool we swam in is gone, and they're putting a huge addition onto the church. I still go to wawa almost every day, though, that hasn't changed. You missed your 21st birthday. I met someone who is 21 years old and reminds me a lot of you. Same sort of family life, same height, weight, kind of voice, likes and dislikes... but he isn't you, and it's hard to accept that. He gets on my nerves though, and you never did, so I guess that kind of makes things easier.

 

I met a boy about seven months ago. I won't say his name, because it doesn't really matter. You'd like him, though. I like him. He knows about you, but he doesn't know how much I think about you. I have, unfortunately, fallen for him. He doesn't know that either, mostly because I'm absolutely sure he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. He's the only boy that's made me cry since you. Besides, of course, Rob, but that was for a completely different reason. He hardly counts as a boy. 

You'd probably be disappointed if you knew me now. I got into all the things you said I shouldn't. You probably think I'm a complete idiot, and that you were right and I was wrong, which is entirely true. Drugs are bad and being s****y is overrated. But it's the only kind of thing that keeps me from following you, sometimes. Do you know how many nights I couldn't sleep because I was too busy trying not to think about you, and failing? If you hadn't died, I'd be a completely different person. I don't know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing, but it would, in fact, be a thing. I still have the gym shorts you gave me, and the songs you sent me. And the pictures. People say I'm obsessed. I guess I kind of am. And I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

Love, Ari

Reviews

[Sabbath_Nikole]

I felt like i looked through a window in your life. I can relate with you on so many levels it seems. The thing is, mine isn't dead, and he never really was mine, so i guess it doesn't make that much sense, but the feelings, the actions and consequences are the same. This was a very good write. You have a lot of feelings and remorse here. Don't regret though, things usually, and i say usually, happen for a reason. Good luck.

[LC Coyle]