The conflict of land and water

Who is truly effected by mental illness, the patient or those closest to them?

The conflict of Land and Water

Prologue

Mourning Light

I remember asking my self,

Did I see this coming?

We only attack ourselves,

Maybe not acting was attacking,

But for me these last few months were hell.

In medias res,

I must warn you,

honestly she,

to me,

is not alive nor dead.

I remember asking myself,

Did you see it coming?

That time I passed in the bar,

Till we sat and stared at the stars,

Was the time of our end becoming.

Tu quoque,

It was as much as my fault,

As it was hers,

As it was ours,

our relationship and its power.

I remember thinking,

Was it worth it,

When I got the call,

From the clinic,

Was victory worth your fall?

Act I

Horizons

Autumn Twenty One

Autumn Twenty One,

I’m on my own,

but i don't feel alone.

Hit me harder,

Life; make me stronger,

I’m better on my own.

Break me down, 

Make me better,

I wanna be better.

Autumn Twenty One,

I’ve grown up and on,

and into my own.

I step out of the car, 

onto the pavement,

into my apartment.

My new apartment, 

my new abode,

my soon to be home.

Autumn Twenty one,

I was at the bar,

and pretty gone.

But she was there,

almost unnoticed,

next to her friends.

She saw me,

and I saw her,

then I…

Good Habits Gone Bad

Woke up on a new mattress In a house that wasn't mine.

Rarely does this happen I cant say its the first time.

Was a little dizzy at first but soon I felt fine,

What exactly happened in my absence of mind?

These unfamiliar walls were rustic and age blackened,

But artsy and not entirely tasteless,

Maybe a nice girl and some morning sex,

and I can blame it the Jack Daniels,

or was it Evan Williams?

I digress; but please act please to meet,

She’s probably feeling odd to greet,

Should I fix the bed and fold the sheets,

take a shower and rejuvenate my sore feet?

Oh god.

Oh god.

She was like the first time I could ever see,

like both eyes were in complete harmony,

she walked in with confidence and stride,

and had rhythm that showed pride,

I lay there speechless trying to comprehend,

wishing this wouldn't long night to morning wouldn't end 

with me grabbing my s**t from the night stand. 

Like the common fool I shuffled up,

Despite the fact I felt starstruck,

I lacked the courtesy to check my luck,

And despite my optimism we had not yet fucked,

Panicked and totally rushed,

I grabbed my pants and wallet and tried to duck,

However the winds gale blew in with a gust, 

And my dress of bedding threads came untucked.

Hubris

He was an idiot and looked tactless.

He thought he had the moves. 

He thought he felt her swoon.

But he wasn’t speaking english,

and not even really a language,

but there was something about him,

like he had a heart made of gem,

that poked through her steel dress,

still she tried to act the actress,

and act like he wasn’t acting,

like he was truly classless,

but he was only looking helpless,

and she had to help the victim,

before had become broken,

because she had to help the victim,

or else she become one.

Come where the water meets the sky (her voice)

Really I want you like a fish wants water, not knowing why but unable to live without it.

I enjoy loving you as much as I enjoy breathing, and I hate hating you as much as I hate sleeping.

Your the water on the horizon, where the sky meets earth, and I’m just a fish in the sea.

But you choose me, for some reason, and I gave up my ability to swim free.

I followed you every sun up to sun down, dying every day just to enjoy you.

But I doubt myself and my convictions, and sometimes I fear I annoy you.

So I thought I could bring others to where the water meets the sky, and they could enjoy you as much as I do.

I was wrong, and I fear my efforts and my envy will destroy you. 

For once the sun goes down, and you fade away, the water will feel colder, and then suddenly feel so deep.

I fear without you, I will slowly wither, and finally have to sleep.

Stars and how you see them

You hated Julian Casablancas.

You enjoyed Listener, maybe one or two songs.

You thought the ropers version was better than the front bottoms.

You liked to bite.

You thought overcomplicating a song made it worse.

You hated old kanye.

You didn't mind new kanye.

You said love was dead, all there was was preferable sex.

You lied about a lot of things.

You would always do your laundry 3 days after mine.

You thought my apartment was too small.

You thought my dad was to relaxed and my mom too stern.

You thought I wouldn't like your parents.

You liked when I gave you messages and not want one in return.

You still got scared at night when you were the last one awake.

You hated being alone in the basement.

You didn't mind the Albanian land lord who took our deposit.

You weren’t friendly with the girl next door.

You were too friendly with the guy next door.

You were great with kids.

You didn't want kids.

You had too many pets.

and you laughed and smiled at me to much.

None of that bothered me.

But you started to doubt me.

So I Made A Scene

F**k you and your f*****g guess,

don't act like you ain’t suspect,

Im tired of your lame s**t,

the fact that you don't f**k with who I came with,

the fact that I can’t be alone without  a what’s up text,

the fact that you played me for weeks with out saying s**t,

what’s love when you can't do the same s**t,

when you have built up tension and pain s**t,

when you cant even vent because she's too lit,

f**k this I'm out, I'm done with it.

Act III

ISLANDS

died when I wasn’t watching

Do you still feel electric

Or can you even feel now that 

Days and weeks of uncertainty

Scratched holes into your eyes

Oh your sweet eyes

Did they take it from you

What you claimed made you special

What you claimed made you be able

To touch the sun

Or to fly

Did you see it coming

Or were you not aware

That the island you came from

Is the island you would die on

Not believing that is a lie.

alas, poor b*****d

They called you the best thing to happen to me

I thought you were

That smile, that grimace, that pain for image

nobody knows

This poem is not about a girl, its about girls,

and I know

It is not romantic, it is not tragic, it is not a comedy

Its a heroes tale

There is a dragon called lonely, who takes up damsels

who can blame him

Men, with girls and trouble and swords and shields 

we have to save them

But wouldn’t I be okay, with body unharmed and mind intact

If I never met them?

this once had some relevance at some point in my life

I lied when I told you it was going to be okay

like you lie when you say its fine

and we both lie when were together 

so I think everything will be okay

and you’ll probably say its fine

that we aren't together

Okay I lied when I said I am sorry

Like the time you said you couldn't live without me

and the time I said I wouldn't doubt you

But s**t my minds been running suicides

trying to keep up with you

So really, am I leaving you

but really, aren’t you leaving me?

Fine, I lied when I said I knew the truth

but you lied too, when you left the car on

and knew I wouldn't be home until tomorrow morning

and f**k my minds been running suicides

thinking everything is going to be okay

and praying you’ll be able to say you're fine

but hopefully not because I still want to be together

and truth or not that’s all I think about, goodbye

Please, I lied when I said goodbye

I just want you too, wake up

and this s**t is eating me because really

I'm just lying to myself and f**k it hurts

like how come this seat is so cold

and why are the walls feel so alone

and the techs look so goddamn old

and your neighbor also isn't home

please come back.

Act IIII

Oceans

I shouldn’t matter

It’s been like 4 weeks since I last saw you,

and I know saying I’m over you isn't appropriate,

and you probably don’t want to see me after last time,

but I want you to know the oceans a big place full of wonders,

and maybe you’ll come back to me with stories of how to catch lightning,

and you brought so many bottles to share like I was there in the storm with you,

and I caught none so you overcompensated and did it just for me like I was special,

but I want you to know that I don’t miss you because actually I think you hate me more,

than you hate yourself but for some stupid reason you think I’m better than you or something.

No, really, go on without me

The first time you walked was something special,

your dad said that your brother was kicking around a soccer ball,

and you tried playing goalie but you could only crawl,

so your brother who was like five or something at the time,

just wales into the ball and hits you in the face,

and instead of crying you get up and go walk towards the ball,

and you I don't know act like a goalie or something?

Like you just bear hug the ball like a dog hold a leg,

and I’m quoting your dad on that one,

but I just think it’s hilarious knowing what I’m going to expect.

Why are you still here?

I went to the beach today, and s**t, was it weird.

The last time I went was when we had those fireworks.

Remember that guy, he was like, seventy or something, 

And we thought he was an absolute senile hard a*s.

He eyed us down when we snuck on the beach through his property.

We decided that his side yard was a walkway to the beach.

Pretty dickish in his defense because his side yard was a garden.

But three cheers for youthful exuberance.

We were loud and obnoxious in our act to be nonchalant.

He didn’t say anything even when I noticed him siting on his back porch.

And we just starting lighting these mortar fireworks in pretty much his back yard.

He stilled eyed me down, sorta gunned me down.

I think he didn’t say anything because of you though.

Not like he was being creepy, but literally because of you.

Because you were with me.

And you understood me.

And he understood that.

He understood that this was one of the greatest moments in my life.

And there will not be anything like it.

So basically, I came to the terms of our relationship.

You make me bulletproof. 

You make me immortal.

And I treated you like s**t.

Sorry.

Wake

You told me once, that life was like an island.

Everyone is born alone on these islands.

But life teaches how to work hard and make boats.

How to go to other islands and leave our marks.

You also said that you always have to end up on your own island.

That you eventually have to see the marks people leave on you.

No matter how far you go into the ocean.

Nor how close you get to the horizon,

You will always have to go back

So I spent these last few months retracing my wake.

Island hopping is what you would call it.

My parents, your parents, my friends, your friends.

It’ funny because it only told me one thing.

You were my island. 

Epilogue

Eventide

But was it worth it,

The lies aimed at love?

Like Eros’s arrows,

shooting down innocent doves?

Angels cried when she shut her eyes,

Awake or a Wake, something died.

It walked so fast in,

and out of our lives.

Hours spent laughing, 

hiding miserable cries.

To you only you,

Can I calmly confide,

This is our Eventide.

Author's Note

There is a story in this madness. Three in fact.