Lies I Told Myself in the Dark

The first of many long, complex poems

what is this knot in my stomach
is it guilt
is it fear
is it shame
is it drawing near
the end of my existance
the loss of life
cut off the blood flow and the strife
the madness and pain
im going furhter down
crazy crazy crazy mad
wonderfully exhausting
i love you
my insomnia deepens my thoughts
my feelings
emotions hit the ceiling
bang boom bang
typing or writing or speaking out
words
the first words that come to my head
the edge of my sanity
slips past my unwatching silent eyes
they close
im kissed but is it by surprise
the lies
ive told you and all others
are you not bothered by each other?
they sit right next to you and wait
wait and wait
thyre late
for a very important date
for you to hate
hate me
hate him too
he did nothing to you only to me
it was my fault i let him in
my second skin
what is this skin i talk of?
it appears ubiquitously in me, my love
sweet serenity is all i crave
peace, be my eternal slave
let me keep you by my side
we walk along and call the pebble dare
because it is coming up what happened yesterday
so far away
not half a man or a woman you see
i refernce things and they string to get her
together is to get her together and if you
get me together than i guess ill finally be together
because all i want is to be together do you get her
me you us
all of us in a room
i want both of you
but i cant
and i wont
california waits with its plastic figures of gold and glaze
while new york city there it rains
but youre young men after all
i wish that one would choose to leave
the latter though not the one before
the ladder to the one before is shorter and less difficult while
the ladder to the one that is latter is quite a long one
less eloquent yet surely loved by all that is meant
the words have stopped coming
coming over you like a wave
waves of the rythm of love
one two three four
i love you
and you belong with me and you another
but we will always have each other
forever
ill call you again today tomorrow good morrow sir i bid you good morrow
romeo and juliet die in the end
but it is only me who dies for you and you sir
good day to you sir
sucking the life the energy out of me
i write a rap
is it rap
should i wrap it up to rap a rap
a poem and art form
love in words
emotions on the edge of fingertips
you look upset im paranoid
are you okay im quite annoyed
at you at me at everyone
this poem will never ebb and flow and ever be done
the moon makes it ebb
i make it flow
the tunes are on my radio
the static turns to dust you know
the dust in the wind
the poisonous skin
on your lips
it is sweet
sweet sweet like sweetmeats
like fruity chewing gum and orange soda
but you there are chocoalte cake and pieces of pretzel after math class
what am i going to do with you and you sir
good day to you too sir
i love you
and this poem never ends for it is life
and life while it is cut short by those of us who bleed and breathe and sweat and weep
it is still lived by those of us who find our way at the last very possible moment
when we are least expecting you to come and find us
lying there
in wait
the energy that flows only flows in you and me and not him
not at all
that may be what i said but it is not true
not true at all
not at all
at all