Trees & Inner Demons

I wrote this in a test book, which I did not have the liberty of taking with me when I left. I've recopied it from memory to the best of my ability, but the original was better. Please review!

I journeyed atop a hillock one day in a dress of billowing blue.

The land was barren and black, and

                Ashes flew from my mouth.

The dried grass parted suddenly,

                And

                                I saw

           The tree.

 

I pressed my face to her knotted trunk

                And cried for my lost love.

                She wiped my tears with her willow boughs

                And bade me hear her tale.

 

A husband leaving for the war,

                His young wife left at home.

Her late-night vigils and constant worry

                Sapped away her youth.

Her face grew lined, her hands grew gnarled, her hair grew streaked with grey.

And when her love returned to her on that day intended for joy,

He took one look at her withered face and winced with much distaste.

               

He left again for "just a few days" and returned with another girl

Whom he took to his bed as a second wife - the first was now his drudge.

And she, upon hearing the news,

                Wiped the love from her eyes.

She tore out her broken, mangled heart

                And with matches, set it alight.

 

Into his bedroom at night she crept,

                While all were sound asleep,

And plunged a flashing silver knife

                Into her master’s chest.

The other girl awoke with a scream and 

                          Stared at the blood on the bed.

The first wife snuffed that life out as well - 

                She’d never be a drudge!!

               

The woman sat, deep in thought, in the silent house.

Her eyes were bright and her mind raced,

                Thinking, “How will I punish myself?”

So she put on a dress of mourning blue

                And journeyed to the top of the hill.

She dug her toes into the soil,

                Extended her arms,

And grew.

 

I listened as she told me her story,

                A sad and winding tale.

“What a coincidence,” I said as she stared,

                “That’s why I’m here as well.”

 

 

Author's Note

A few rhythm problems here and there, but overall I suppose it's alright. I haven't written story-poems in a while, but please read and review!!

Reviews

[ice]

The story/poem is jagged, broken in rhythm...but does that matter?
The beauty of this is, is that it is from your imagination...and like all things imagined, or surreal
there is broken rhythm, and distortions..I think you did fine in presenting what you felt..the story line is good, perhaps extending this into short story form would make it even better.

[S. Michael Long]

the story is not jagged, nor is it broken in rhythm.. i think you are feeling like its jagged or broken in rhythm, because the format is jagged and broken in rhythm.. Nice write.. the only think i could offer as far as my thoughts go would be this.. the tale the story itself, comes off as a bit cliche' (What you wrote was not cliche' at all) what im trying to say is, the topic is cliche' to the reader at first, but once we (as readers) realize you have something deeper to say.. we listen and we hear you... I like what you have done with this.. nice work (: -s

[SheActsLikeSummer]

This was beautifully written poem and I think the jagged edges add to the story. I loved the way you separated the stanzas, the description, everything fell into place wonderfully. A truly brilliant piece of work and I wish you well in the contest.

[Sophie]

I loved this, it was absolutely amazing, the plot of it was intriguing and the description was wonderful, well done :)

[Sam]

wow, this is interesting. I liked how well its written and the concept with the tree and everything. Good job!

[Lost in Wonderland]

wow, this was really good! I loves the end. Really great write!

[Mari-Sweet]

I think this story coould teach men not to cheat on their partners. Anybody who's ever heard of the TV show "Deadly Women" should know that a scorned woman in love can be a deadly combination. I've heard that kind of statement before. It was a good poem even though there was darkness to it.