Where Heaven And Hell Meet.

Began: 1/10/2012 7:25 PM End: 1/12/2012 7:25 PM It is long, but very creative(?)

There's a lot to say, but where to begin is unknown.

I'll start off with the turmoil that's becoming unbearable,

And I guess it's best I'm honest, even if it hurts to speak the words that kill many:

 

When the break began for Winter, a Christmas alone, I felt something slipping further away.

I didn't know what was breaking, what was vanishing until this hour of darkness,

Where I see what has failed to remain within me: Faith in love.

 

As I poured out the past, the feelings that I knew were unimaginably strong,

I felt inside of me something dark and demented and insidiously growing.

And I cried and begged to not let it fester into a war.

 

I felt the doubt that separation instills,

And I felt the pain of the upcoming days overwhelm me.

But I shoved the doubt into a box, and kicked it far away.

 

I didn't want it, and I didn't want the horror of losing passion to come alive.

I didn't need more trauma, more terror to surface,

And I didn't need to doubt anything!

 

I took a breath, and began to write what I felt down in ink.

I took a swipe at the burning tears that threatened and hissed to not cry.

I took a savage step into the past that haunts, that created the insecurity you see.

 

I took a step towards salvation and fell into the pit before my feet

Because I forgot to look where I was going,

Where Heaven met Hell.

 

And I fell quickly into the black deception of the Devil,

Allowing the will to fight flee from my body,

Escape my veins as I plundered into the night earth.

 

I reached for the light that faded and screamed for help,

But the ones who watched me fall only laughed,

And scorned me as I wailed.

 

And I clawed the roots of the trees on my way down,

Trying to gain a grasp on what savior I had left,

And I screeched your name, in a hope you'd hear.

 

But nowhere were you to be found.

And the ocean mocked me with its roar below.

And my family cackled at my attempts to find you.

 

But my fingers reach at walls of slime,

Slipping into a weakened body of hopelessness

As I closed my eyes, tears slipping to the cold crisp air.

 

I stopped fighting the world around me for a moment of rest,

And slammed into the Hell that I created,

The wolves yipping as the ravens squawked and the lost souls sung.

 

I slammed into a lake of cannibal blood and bones,

Emerged from the deterioration of life,

And looked for any sign of your presence.

 

In the walls of fire and scorched trees,

In the alley ways of vines and barbwire,

In the naked corpses of the seven deadly sins, I searched.

 

My bare feet, sliced by the razor blade ground, carried my pale body,

A body of scars and a tattered black dress to hide the wounds,

I ran to find whom you were.

 

And my lips were cracked from dehydration,

My eyes sinking in to my skull as I beheld the reflection of myself,

The girl in the mirror who only showed what this place was:

 

My inner world,

My conscious being,

My life.

 

And I fell to my knees, screaming that this cannot be.

And I clawed the earth of razors until my fingernails bled,

Screaming a shrill want for this palace of death to be a lie.

 

The only escape, the girl said to me, is to accept what you wouldn't;

Is to accept the truth for what it is, and the love to be real.

Your escape is to not give up hope and continue living, with or without him.

 

My eyes I raised to her sweet smile, and my lips I let move.

"If I am to accept pain for punishment, and this hell for myself,

And if I am to accept the horrors of this reality, where I am to go?"

 

Her nibble fingers pointed past me, a grin crawling to her ears.

There, she said, You, Bitter, must go there, where Faith lies.

And you are to endure until the days of your life ends.

 

I gathered myself to look behind me only to see a black nothing.

The only thing within the vortex of Hades was eyes that spoke the truth,

A rich burning essence of caramel and natural resin.

 

My heart shook in her cage, a breath of petrified state escaping.

I wept as I stood, knowing that if You are the reason I carry on like this,

You are the reason I will fall and get back up.

 

My inner world,

My conscious being,

My life.

 

And it was a grave and perilous thing to take those steps on daggers

For the eyes I may never see again, for the body in the iniquity

Of the chanceful convolution.

 

But I walked with a heavy heart of guilt and sorrow,

And I reached for the eyes of longing,

And I resounded your name weakly.

 

I slipped into the desolate and crude awakening

To the fear that resided within as the eyes attenuated

Into nothing but vast silence.

 

I took a step towards salvation and fell into the pit before my feet

Because I forgot to look where I was going,

Where Heaven met Hell.

 

And I fell quickly into the black deception of the Devil,

Allowing the will to fight surge into my body,

Consuming my veins as I plundered into the night earth.

 

And I climbed to the other side, finding you there waiting.

And you snatched my hands, pulling me to my feet,

Into arms of strong power, of inviolable mending.

 

You held me close, whispered safety into my soul,

And you gently smiled to my tears, brushing them away with my hair,

Your fingers so soft against my cheek.

 

"We're going to be fine now," you said quietly, "You're here in my arms.

And we'll make this world of sorrow crumble to dust with our words.

And we'll never be separated, never torn apart..."

 

My fingers covered in blood knotted in the noir feathers of your wings,

My eyes staring to the cavernous hollows that suck me in,

My lips pulling into a smile that reaches my eyes.

 

"We're going to be fine now," I repeated from you, "You're here in my arms.

And we'll make this world of love rise from the dust with our actions.

And we'll never be separated, never torn apart..."

 

The world around me slipped back to reality as I read what we've spoken,

And the tears were brimming fast, falling quickly,

And the warmth I had lost for a while slipped into my stomach.

 

My fingers clutched my chest as my heart pounded in pain,

My breath turning to gasps as my lips trembled in smiles,

And I was such a mess, falling head over heels in love.

 

I shook my head, shook the thoughts of agony away,

The dreams I would never see come to life of you here, right now,

Of you, holding me, right now.

 

And I shook the suffering into silent submission as your smile burned in my eyes.

I slipped to the floor of desolation, and discovered a sprout of evergreens,

A promise that in the darkest hours, life can bloom.

 

And I brushed away the ashes from the rose thorns, brushed away the sulfur from the bones,

And as I cleared the mixtures away, a picture revealing itself to my eyes,

A promise that we had created.

 

A gown of white covering a pale body that was mine,

Feathers of the clouds stretching to the sky,

A smile so soft upon my lips.

 

Attire of black covering a creamy body that was yours,

Feathers of the ravens stretching to the sky, higher than my own,

A smile of passion dancing across your face.

 

Hands we held, yours and mine, and the fire was below us.

The roses were creeping to the sunlight that we blocked out,

And the wolves howled to love.

 

And my eyes saw a conviction like no other as the picture began to move,

Your lips pressing to mine slowly,

And in reality, a tingling runs across my body for your touch.

 

You're pulling me in, in this fantasy, and you're laughing as we fly up into the sunrise,

Leaving the world of black pits and death behind with our troubles,

Leaving what prevented us to be in the eyes of the haters.

 

And we flew high up to the moon, rigid movements in the motion-picture,

And you kissed me again, stronger, deeper, pulling me closer.

But your hands grabbed mine, and you jumped into clouds, taking me with you.

 

There, the movements stopped, ending as before they started.

And another began nearby, a darker story with a hideous depth.

It started the same, held together by our hands, but you're bitter as I.

 

Your fingers slipped from mine, and you turned away, your head hung,

And my lips moved to painstaking words and horrors, my fingers snatching yours.

And I screamed with tears in my fiery eyes, slicing through you.

 

But you broke free, hands slamming into me as fists,

And you screamed back so loudly that I fell to my knees,

Hands covering my ears as I sobbed, blood trickling.

 

You stood above me, knocking me down into the black pits below,

And I did not fight back at this moment, and I did not scream for freedom.

I only let you do what you pleased, even as you walked away.

 

And when I think it's over, this scary story, it finds a way to continue.

I see myself flying out of the pits of despair, chains breaking, scars revealing,

And I'm coming for you, fast and violent.

 

Behind, I slammed you down to the ground, slammed my fist to those perfect lips,

Gripped your throat tightly, but I still let you breathe, whispering words that kill in velvet.

And I only fell apart inside watching myself stand and walk away.

 

We were leaving each other behind, broken and terrified.

We were leaving each other to the maggots that infest dead monsters.

We were leaving behind what we fought for, for so long.

 

But the moon was bright in the background,

And a rope tied around our waists, swirling us back together,

Our arms binding to the one we love.

 

And all I could do is weep as much as you, crying the same words you did.

Held close by you, the frame drawled into stillness.

I looked into the reality I was surrounded by, unable to breathe.

 

You were everywhere, in everything that I saw,

In my pictures of smiling days, just for you.

In the covers that I pulled over my head each night, bringing dreams of you.

 

You were in the songs I listened to, sung along to, and you were in my heart.

You were in my veins, flowing all around as I thought of you,

And you were the one life I was living for.

 

Though the warmth vanished with the butterflies into sadness and demise,

I gripped my chest and fought the urge to carve your name into my arm

So I could remember you, forever and ever.

 

I fought the Hell raging inside as I became petrified to stop loving you,

To lose what I felt for you, to move on because of doubt.

And I cried so hard that it hurt to move, to breathe, to feel my heart beat.

 

I cried so hard that the room around me was a blur for hours,

And the pain inside turned dark and bleak as apathy.

The tears ceased and I sat alone, the same feelings as before mutilation.

 

But no razor did I grasp, no knife did I hold.

No lighters did I reach for, no needles did I find.

No fingernails did I let claw my skin, no hands gripped my throat into suffocation.

 

I just sat there, alone, eyes closed, breathing, asking the same question,

Over and over, again and again, I asked:

"Why am I fighting?...Why am I fighting?..."

 

And my eyes slid to the light, my lips pulling into a sad smile as I was filled with epiphanies.

I fight because if I didn't fight for you, I could not fight for myself.

I fight because if I didn't fight for you, I could not fight for life.

 

Where heaven meets hell is where we embrace.

And where God falls to his knees out of anguish because I betrayed him for mortal love

Is where I kiss you deeply and strongly as I wish to.

 

Where the devil cries because I kill my temptations is where I love you.

And where I scream how much I love you is where heaven and hell meet.

And where I stand up from the floor, and wipe my tears away is where you are.

 

There was a lot to say, a lot to tell in such a short time,

That I wasn't sure I could say it all, and even now, there remains too much.

But the turmoil is fading as my heart mends slowly.

 

And I brush my tears away this hour, listening to the songs that remind me of you.

And I smile so sadly because I know that even if I do not believe in love like this,

I am living it, through and through.

 

And because it's hard to believe in something so moving as real as this,

And because it's hard to believe in something that I was never given as a girl,

I find the faith I had lost, and I pull it to my heart, and I hold it like death holds the fallen ones.

 

I may be alone in this family, but I have you.

And I may sing that there is hope now because I have you.

And I will write to you as much as I can because I love you, I have you, I need you.

 

So I stand and out my bedroom window, up to the moon so full,

And I whisper to myself that it's the same moon you see from the other side of the ocean,

And I whisper that one day, I'll kiss you under that moon.

 

Because I love you to death, enough that I am unafraid to die.

Because I need you to live, enough that without you, I slip to the grave, alone.

Because without you, I will have nothing, and I will be nothing.

 

You are my world, my heart, my life.

And you are the heaven that I meet when God falls, and the devil cries.

Where heaven and hell meet is where you and I stand.

 

Author's Note

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