Escape From The Nightmares.

11/27/11 - True Story. And it's really long, but it explains some of what is going on inside.

Escape From The Nightmares.

 

Now this is a long one, so take your time.  It's going to hurt, I know, but not on purpose.

It'll only hurt if you can feel what I feel.

I'm losing this war of sleep, always awake in the wee hours, thinking of you.

I'm always imagining the future, good or bad, and I'm always cautious.

I'm tired and the tears are endless every single night.

No one hears me when I whisper your name, or the truth behind my emotions and actions,

Pray to god that you're okay, and doing fine.

 

You know one of us is leaving here broken, and I'd rather that be me, alone.

I mean, we all carry on, wanting to be better off,

And we all have wishes, so why the f**k am I driving north?

Driving right into the storm where hell awaits?

Why am I risking everything just for you?

Love I guess.  Love that runs so deep, far more deep than life and a blood bond.

 

Didn't I tell them that I made a promise?

Yeah, I remember saying that, but they plugged their ears.

Twisted my words to be disgusting and acted like children.

Yeah, that's how ignorant adults are.

 

Trust me, I've found it in my heart to believe in something true.

I've found the strength to close my eyes and smile as I dream of you.

I've found the strength to stop these tears, and just face reality.

I'm not blinded by love anymore.

I'm blinded by the truth, the fact that feelings are real, and by the fury of their threats.

 

Last night, I had a three hour long, painful "discussion" with my sister.

She threw her words at me, accusing me of being self-centered,

Without a care, cruel, selfish, irrational, a jerk, a pig, a low excuse for a sister.

She said that I should show that I am happy, not just by you, but by this family,

And by recreational things, by life.

 

I held my tongue, bit it so hard it bled, and I finally just snapped.

I said that I was NOT self-centered, because if I was, I would have left by now!

I said that I was NOT careless, because if I was, I would have killed myself five years ago!

I said that I COULD be cruel, but that I CHANGED that for everyone else, including myself!

I could be a jerk, but I only chose not to hurt others!

I said "I am a pig!  I get that!  Just because I don't clean up right when you want me to!"

I said "I am a low excuse for a sister because I actually think about the words that come out of

my mouth, that I actually give a rats behind about everyone else, that I actually love you!"

I told her that I show that I am happy every day when I come home and tell her about You

And the school day, and eating with my friends, and laughing at lunch!

I tell her that I DO appreciate this family because all they have done over the years,

That I LOVE them and APPRECIATE them being here

And I told her, yes I told her, I show that I am happy about life by living.

 

Yeah it hurt to shove that all in her face, telling her to stop being the insensitive one,

To actually listen for once and not interrupt.

And she told me this: I don't want to listen to you talk anymore because all that comes out of

your mouth is something negative and that's pathetic.

I closed my eyes, took a deep, deep breath and said:

I have said nothing negative.  I have simply said what I feel and think.

How is my expressing myself negative?  And how is loving you all AND him, negative?

 

"You don't see what we see--" she began but I stopped her with only a few words.

"--I do see the risk and the worry in every last one of your faces,

and you think I don't think about that?  You think I don't actually care about you all,

so much that I'd die in a heartbeat to save you all?  Just like I would for him?"

"You don't think of the consequences--"

"--Jail, charges, no freedom, home schooling, misery.  Oh, I have thought well about all this.

And I've looked at me and him from every last angle imaginable and all I see is a family--

A SELFISH family only wanting what they want and nothing for the one who needs them!!

That's what I see!  That's what it is!!"

 

She said I was being arrogant.  I slammed my fist against my forehead, and clamped my hand over my mouth, and tried not to scream, tried not to cry and sob.

She said I was being childish.  I took a deep breath, sat up, and said slowly:

"Children do not feel to the extent that I do, and if I am a child, then they are the adults.

If I am a child, I know nothing than to cry and whine and throw a fit

And take no responsibility for anything!

So I am a child?!  I don't think about what I do?!--"

"--You don't because if you did you wouldn't hurt us!--"

Livid fury coursed through my veins and shook me as I spoke:

"So my choice to stay until I am eighteen is not thinking about you all?

Me staying hurts you?  Do you WANT me to leave?!  Do you want me to?!!

Do you even think of the words coming out of your mouth?

Don't worry, I'll be gone soon enough."

"Oh, so committing suicide is the answer?"

I laughed loudly, and shook my head.  "Still clinging to the past I see.  Still throwing that in my face, when I have gotten over that?!  Get over it!

Move on!  Stop assuming that's what I'll do!

I made a promise to live and not hurt myself!  I've done that for a while now, and you still think I'll do that?!"  I laughed again.  "Ridiculous!  You all haven't moved on not one bit!

And I have, yet you say I've made no progress and only regressed!  You idiots!

You're the ones' who are blind!! NOT ME!!"

 

Told you the world was cruel, especially my parents, and my siblings.

Told you that I'd leave them behind for happiness and warmth.

Told you I'd die for you.

Now I'll ask you this:

Do you see the pain they put me through?

Do you see what they throw in my face?

Do you even see the fact they don't like me for being me?

For being negative at times, BUT POSITIVE at others?

 

They want me to be positive ALL THE TIME.

They've said so themselves.

 

And it's not enough to satisfy them, not hardly enough.

Will my death be?  Will me leaving them be?

If I up and leave and never return for them,

Will they be satisfied then?!

 

Think about this as your eyes soak in these words:

I've written notes to send, poems to give, songs to sing, dreams of love.

I've spoken and yelled until I was blue in the face about a love so true.

I cried that you were the one for me, but those people who claimed to be there for me

Are threatening me with charges and jail and no freedom.

They're threatening me with misery and horror and abandonment.

Not like they haven't done so before, so what the hell is stopping them now?

What is binding me down to the pain, to the wait?

 

To make sure it's done right!!  But they don't want that!!

They want it done wrong so they can shove f*****g lies down my throat,

Shove the damn lies in your face, and makes our lives a living hell!

That's the only thing they're good at!  Is screwing up my life!

 

Now, I've had time to think and to sort this out.

And I have had the opportunity to allow them to control me,

But I told you I would fight and I am.

I will one day escape these nightmares,

And rest peacefully.

Even if it's in a box six feet deep.

But before takes my soul, I will love you

And they'll have no one to blame but themselves.

 

I'm driving into the storm right now,

And I WILL come out on the other side in one piece.

And I WILL come out victorious.

I will end this nightmare soon enough, not by death!

I will end it by...love.

 

Author's Note

Thank you for taking your time to read this. Please give honest reviews.