Lethal Nights Don't Make Sense.

Reality. Seriously.

It started like this:

Fingers scrapped at my chest plate from beneath my skin. My blood was warm but cool, like water that isn't freezing but isn't really much of anything else. My stomach was flipped on its back. My heart-I couldn't tell you if it was beating or not. I didn't feel it.

I was Undead.

I stepped through the little swing door and the scalding water set me back up against the wall.

No.

I set myself there to keep from falling face first into the breakdown. Slowly I turned the water's temperature up to burn my flesh off. I got half way until I my lips were considerably bared over my teeth in the most crooked composure.

The first tear hit my eyelashes and I clamped my sight into darkness. I didn't want to feel like this. I didn't want any of it. I didn't even understand.

I tried singing a little tune like I usually did to make the pain hide, to calm down, but the only sound I could manage was a choked on sob. My fingers dug into themselves in tiny fists against my temples.

This wasn't going to end anytime soon.

I took in a breath. It shook out. I looked at my hands: I was shaking violently. I could feel it in my spine, waves like a rough current tear against the shoreline.

I haven't stopped shaking for three damn days, I thought bitterly, And you're not here.

I choked.

You're not even here, my head croaked and my mouth moved as if I said it, slick with water and tears. I inhaled again, broken still.

You better come back. You have to...

"I was never anything," I squeaked with myself. "I was nothing before you," I hardly could whisper. I closed my eyes. "I wasn't even myself..."

Nothing. I am nothing. I never was. I was never anything before you but a burden. No. No. No I wasn't that. I was a child. I was only a kid with no direction on healthy living. I was broken.

I was misguided to live my life.

I choke again, and my hands fall against the tile wall. I smile with no emotion.

How can I be strong if I never was?

You said I could. Why is it now I'm doubting that, doubting you again? I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't know why I have these emotions. I don't know why you love me. I don't understand who gave me this.

I tried to breathe. I failed. My eyes burned.

"Come back...please...please...please," I begged so brokenly. "You have to...I...I can't do this on my own!...I never could!..."

I see that!, my head wailed. I was never strong enough to handle this! I was on my own for so long, blindly moving through, and yet you found me running is f*****g circles and loved me!

I slipped against the wall slightly, took my eyes out, slit open my chest to get to my heart, and stomped the hell out of it. I cursed it. I spat on it. I held it in shaky hands and wept.

What have I become?

I know I only have myself to blame.

"I need you..." My lips curled, and as lonely as I felt, I felt something spark inside. I had to sit down, and I didn't care. I had to or else it was collapse to the floor.

"You don't even know I'm broken with the ugliest look on my face of hate"-my left eye twitched as I felt the anger burning in its orb-"and utter sadness"-my right side quivered violently-"You don't even know. You never will."

Because I will never let you remember the horror I live through. No. I won't let you know my dark secrets though you want to know me like the back of your hand.

I took in a deep breath an counted the squares on the floor. I tapped each one to the rhythm of Blue October's "Jump Rope" until I was terrified of stopping before the song ended.

I kept all the thoughts out. I kept singing along in the saddest voice I ever knew. But it was calm. Eerily. And when the song ended, I stood. Slit the waters throat, and turned.

Why was I standing on the opposite side of the door with that look on my face?

I squinted. And squinted. And squinted till I was sure if that girl is a blur, she'll disappear. My eyes burned from the salt left in them, and I choked on the scent I almost forgot.

Mint, Fall, and Cigarettes.

B*****d.

I looked for the one I fell for, looked with emptying eyes and a hope I knew was naive to feel.

I didn't text him that night. I didn't call. He was working anyways. And in the hour where we'd spend several more talking of the future and laughing at our memories together and crying over the moments we want so desperately to come back, I fell asleep with that ugly girl's look.

A tore up lip filled in with blood and tears.

I miss you.

Author's Note

Something I couldn't hold in. It's not much of an explanation but its reality but hell if understood.