Target Captured

Jane walked through a wooded area of the school field, giving little notice to the trees on either side of her as she rapidly continued onwards.  She passed underneath a certain tree and the next thing she knew, a net had dropped down, entangling her.

"Target captured," the voice of Ash said from above.

"Hey!" Jane exclaimed before looking up to see Liz and Ash on an overhead branch.  She pulled the net off as the pair dropped down around her.  "Where'd you even get this?"

"It's from the P.E. storage room," Liz said.  "No idea what it's used for."

"I don't wanna know," Ash said.

"What do you two want?" Jane demanded irritably.

"We’ve been watching you and we’ve decided you need to relax more," Ash said.  "Even though school’s almost over, you’re still working hard and need a break.  We also know that you didn’t drop one of your AS’s so you’re still taking four subjects."

"What do you care?" Jane said.

"This is because we are the Happiness Brigade," Ash said.

"A 'Brigade' comprised of two people?" Jane said sceptically.

"Our lifelong mission is to increase the happiness levels of our fellow humans," Ash explained.

"What are you talking about?" Jane said.

"Humans aren't as happy as they deserve to be," Ash said.

"We're here to change that," Liz said.

"There’s no point in any action unless it makes someone happy, even if it’s just yourself," Ash said.

"OK..." Jane said.  "...I'm gonna go now, I've got English."

"Yep, us too," Ash said.  "You do a lot of work but still your results aren’t that good.  That’s right isn’t it?"

"None of your business," Jane snapped and promptly left.

"I like our new friend," Ash said.

"Me too," Liz said.

***

As Josh and James sat opposite each other in the commonroom, Seth sat nearby while reading his book intensely.

"Seth?" Josh said.  "What lesson do we have next?"

"English," James answered.

"How do you know?" Josh said.  "You don't do English."

"Because you ask virtually every day.  I’ve got your timetable memorised.  I hear there’s a new English teacher."

"Yeah, I think so.  Why exactly did Mr. Lesse have to leave?"

"I just heard mental health reasons.  That's not your doing, is it?"

"What exactly do you think of me?  How could I possibly do that?"

"Just joking."

"You know what one of those is, do you?"

A student walked past, clearly searching for something and seemed to find it in the form of a bag pinned under someone else's on a table, so he simply chucked that one aside to retrieve his own.

"Excuse me?" Josh said.

"You talking to me?"

"Yes, that was my bag."

"So?"

"You're being quite rude, you know that?" Josh said as Seth rolled his eyes at the comment.

"What are you on about?"

Josh just smiled before kicking him as hard as he could in the stomach, sending him falling to the floor.

Josh casually stood and picked up his bag, taking his time to brush it off as the student lied in pain on the floor.

"You coming Seth?"

***

Ash and Liz arrived at the door to their English classroom, where they spotted Natasha about to enter before them.

"Hi Natasha," Liz called out to her, but Natasha just entered the room without even looking in their direction.  "Damnit," Liz said.

"Why do you care so much?" Ash said.

"Because she won't acknowledge me."

"You're such a child," Ash said, approaching the door as Liz stood in place with one fist clenched in front of her face.

"I'll win her greeting yet," she said, seemingly talking to herself.

"You're so competitive," Ash said, holding the door open as he looked back at Liz, who appeared to be still locked in that pose.  "Liz?"  She quickly snapped out of it and gazed at him as if she couldn't remember what they were doing.  "Let's go," Ash beckoned and they entered together.

Liz and Ash sat next to Seth and Josh in the classroom.  They didn't have to wait long for their teacher to arrive, but for most of that short time, Liz just spent staring at Natasha.

Miss Storry entered and addressed the class, "Hello class.  I’m your new English teacher, Miss Storry.  I know it seems a bit weird to have a new teacher when there’s barely any time left before study leave but let’s try our best.  First things first, I want to go through the register so I know who you are.  Let’s see...Elizabeth Collinson...?"

"Yes," Liz said.

"...Joshua Doyle...?" Miss Storry began to go through the register, saying each name one by one.

"Mmm," Josh said.

"...Seth Gorman...?"

"He's here," Josh confirmed.

"Where?" Miss Storry asked.

Josh pointed to the boy next to him, still absorbed by his book.

"Erm...OK," Miss Storry said.  "Ashley Parkinson?"

"Right here," Ash said exuberantly.

"Could you remove the hat please?  It's not part of the uniform," she asked.

"No thanks," Ash replied with a sweet smile.

Miss Storry just sighed and continued to read the register, "Natasha Roberts?" which caused Natasha to raise her hand.  "Jane Taylor?"

"Here," Jane responded.

"OK," Miss Storry finished.  "Can you open your books to page 68 and we’ll begin reading.  First let’s have you reading," she pointed to Josh.

"I don't think so," Josh replied.

"Then how about you Seth?" she suggested.

"Ha," Liz laughed.  "You'd have a better chance getting Josh to do it."

***

With another day of school finished, the small group of friends relaxed in Seth's bedroom.

"Why are we at Seth's house?" Ash wondered out loud.

"Because you and Liz spending too much time around my mother is too unhealthy," James said.  "For both you and her."

Liz eased herself to her feet and opened the door.

"Where you going?" Ash asked.

"Toilet," Liz stated simply before leaving.

"Hey James?" Ash said.

"Yes?"

"Who do you like better?  Me or Liz?"

"You shouldn't make people choose, Ash."

"Yeah, you're right.  Hey Josh, who do you...?"

"Her," Josh replied instantly.

"That's not very nice," Ash said.

"What would you prefer me to say?" Josh asked.  "That I hate Liz?"

"Well no, but..."

"To tell you the truth, I hated both of you when I first saw you…but then again, I hate most people."

"Why'd you hate us?"

"No real reason.  You just looked a bit annoying.  Actually, you wanna hear something funny?"

"Of course."

"My immediate thought when I first saw Liz," Josh began.  "I was sure she was a lesbian."

"If that was true, she would have had a much better time at the all-girl’s school."

The two of them started to laugh the stifled laugh of the guilty when James interrupted them.  "Err...guys," he said, pointing to the open doorway.

"What is it?" Josh said, looking in the direction indicated to see a small girl standing there.

"Who's that?" Ash said.

"Seth's little sister," Josh said.  "Hi Sunny."

Sunny slowly stepped into the room.

"How much did she hear?" Ash said.

"Josh?" Sunny said.  "What's a lesbian?"

"Apparently enough," James said.

"Yes Josh," Ash said with a smile.  "What is a lesbian?"

A suddenly uncomfortable Josh searched all around for help, looking at Seth in desperation, who was still lying on the bed, reading his book, but with a new smile upon his face.

Josh then turned back to Sunny and struggled for a response when James stepped in to save him.  "A lesbian is someone who comes from the Greeek isle of Lesbos," he said.

"Oh," was all Sunny said, apparently satisfied with the answer.  An impressed Ash looked on as Sunny joined the group by climbing into Josh's lap.

"This is Ash," Josh introduced him.

"Hello little human," Ash said as Liz returned from the bathroom.

"Oh hello," Liz said in surprise.  "Who's this?"

"Seth's sister," Ash explained.

Liz bent down to get a better look and just said, "So cute."

"Are you Liz?" Sunny said.

"Err...yes," she responded timidly.

"Are you a lesbian?"

***

A group of students with James and Jane among their number, entered their biology classroom to witness a human skeleton dressed in a green school blazer sitting at Jane's desk.  A piece of paper lay in front of it and one of its skeletal hands was grasping a pen.

Ash and a jacketless Liz were sitting in one corner of the room by a large window.

Jane approached the skeleton and looked down at what was written on the paper.  It said, 'THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO WORK TOO HARD, RESEARCH COURTESY OF THE HAPPINESS BRIGADE'.

As the rest of the students began to cluster round, smirking at the sight of it, Mrs. Foster entered behind them.

"Miss?" Jane called to her.

"Oh for goodness sake," Mrs. Foster said upon spotting the skeleton, before turning her attention to Liz and Ash.  "Did you put that in Jane's seat?"

"Wasn't us," Liz said.  "Was already there when we got here."

"Then why is it dressed in your blazer?"

"Didn't want him to get cold...he is naked after all."

"It's actually a she...and you could show her a little respect," Mrs. Foster said as she removed the blazer and brought the skeleton back to her rightful place, suspended from a hook by the teacher's desk.  "When someone donates their body to medical science, they expect it to be used for purposes useful to mankind."

"Don't you believe bringing happiness to people is a useful purpose?" Liz remarked.

"You're not making me happy," Mrs. Foster said.

"You're already old, happiness isn't within your reach."

"Well thank you for that Liz.  Now please take a seat.  You’re wasting time that could be spent studying.  We haven’t got long left and the more work we do, the more I’m going to crush the history man in the summer exams."

Ash took a seat next to James while Liz went to retrieve her blazer from Jane's desk, smiling at her as she did so, only for Jane to ignore her and focus on taking out her books.  Liz then sat down next to Ash as the lesson started.

"Right," Mrs. Foster began.  "Today, we're gonna go over..."  At which point, Ash's hand shot into the air.

"Miss?" he said.  "Can I ask you something?"

"Haven't you held up the class for long enough?  What's the question?"

"It's about your husband..."

"The answer's about twenty minutes."

"Excuse me?"

"A joke," she said.  "What do you want?"

"I was just wondering why’d you take his name, ‘cause then everyone knows you’re married."

"Actually he took my name," Mrs. Foster said.

"Really, why'd he do that?"

Mrs. Foster looked away guiltily before saying, "I shouldn't tell you."

"If it's something that'll drive him crazy, go for it," Liz encouraged her.

"Alright then, he just hated his name."

"Oh please tell us what it was," Ash begged.

"His name was Mike McCool," she said, causing Liz and Ash to shriek with laughter.

"Are you serious?" Ash said.

"Why'd he change that?" Liz said.  "It's the best name I've ever heard."

"Yes, well..." Mrs. Foster said.  "Now, back to the lesson."  Ash's hand went up again.  "We really don’t have time for anymore jokes.  This better be something biological."

"It is," he assured her.

"Go on then."

"Can I go to the toilet?"