The Penguin of Happiness

There are several pleasant ways to be awoken first thing in the morning, but to be dragged from your dreamscape by forcefully loud music, emanating from a stereo mere inches from your head, is not one of them, as Liz discovered one morning.

She immediately sat bolt upright, her short hair still messy from sleep, as soon as 'Make your own kind of music' by Mama Cass began to pound the air around her.

Even in her sleep addled state, it didn't take long to piece together what had happened, mostly because the culprit was still in her bedroom.  Her childhood friend, Ash,  was dancing (badly) in front of her to this classic tune.  He was wearing the black bucket hat with cat ears protruding from the top, as he always did.  Under which, his long hair trailed down his back, arranged in twin ponytails.

Liz groggily paused the song and stared at Ash with tired eyes filled with impending aggression.

"Why?" was all she said.

"It's time for school," he responded.  "This was the only way I could get you up."

"Liar.  I bet you didn't even try any other way."

As Liz yawned, Ash thought back to a few minutes earlier, when he crept in through her bedroom window, carefully snuck across the room as to not wake her, just so he could bring her back to reality with this highly unpleasant method.

Ash turned away to hide his self-inflicted smile and picked up his black and pink rucksack, adorned with far too many badges, while Liz checked her clock.

When he turned back, Liz was already back under the covers.

"Excuse me," Ash said.

"First lesson's already started," Liz mumbled from under her duvet.  "There's no point anymore.  May as well take the day off."

"Well that's not true.  Lucky for you, our first period was a free.  Now come on, it'll be fun."

"No."

"You're not very cooperative, you know that?"

"I try."

Ash pulled the covers off, causing Liz to roll over to face the persistant botherer, who took a step back and offered her his hands.

"You can either go to school now or we can dance for a few minutes beforehand," Ash said.  "What do you say?"

Liz looked at him for a while like he was a complete idiot before a grin spread across her face.

"Alright," she said, before jumping out of bed, unpausing the song and taking his hands.

As the pair began to dance like two people much younger than themselves, it was clear that Liz was several inches taller than Ash.

They were so oblivious to everything else during their childlike dance that they didn't even notice that Liz's father had been present for some time, in the newly opened doorway as he came to locate the source of the noise.

His expression of pure confusion didn't leave his face as he closed the door, thinking that it was better to just leave them to it.

***

In his maths classroom, James sat at the back while staring out the window with an expression of quiet serenity.

He could see a cloud-covered sky failing to keep the Sun from casting its light on the school's courtyard below.  He felt a light breeze that rustled the leaves of the largest tree present.  He could hear birdsong, but the only feathered creature he could see was that of a deceased example lying on the ground.

"James, could you give us the answer?" Mr. Blunt asked and was given no response.  "James!" he tried again.

"4.9," James said without turning from the window.

"Well...yes, that's right but I'd appreciate it if you would pay attention though."

"I am," James said monotonously.

"It'd be nice if you could look it."

James wrenched his gaze from the outside world and turned to his maths teacher, his expression instantly transforming into a scowl, before saying, "You shouldn't judge on appearances sir."

***

A still drowsy Liz left her house and fumbled about as she attempted to lock up.  Turning around, she saw Ash hopping in place, his bag bouncing up and down on his back.  Through her sleep filtered eyes, he reminded her of a puppy desperate to be walked.

As Liz straightened up her plain grey shoulder bag to prevent it from falling, Ash grabbed her by the wrist and sped off in the direction of school.

***

On the Sun-drenched school field, Josh lay on the grass with his eyes closed as he light-basked.  His best friend Seth sat not too far away, reading 'Do androids dream of electric sheep?' by Philip K. Dick.

Josh roused and checked his watch, before placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"What lesson did we just skip?" he asked.  Seth granted him a brief shrug without looking away from his book.  "Oh well," Josh continued.  "Doesn't matter I guess.  Come on, let's go.  We've got History next, that's always entertaining."

Seth stood up, helping Josh to his feet and then the pair set off together across the vast field on their way back to the school's buildings.

***

Ash, still dragging Liz, didn't slow down, not even when they reached the school gates.  He was prepared to continue at full speed until they arrived at their class.  It took Liz to stop him, as something caught her eye.

It was a five foot tall stuffed penguin doll standing to one side of the main gates, as if welcoming students.

"What's that?" Liz asked.

"Haven’t you seen it before?  They had it out last year as well on the day of the football tournament.  It goes to the winning team.  I think it’s the school mascot.  He’s called Petie or something like that."

"I like it.  How much time do we have before History?"

"Some, why?  What are you thinking?"

Liz smiled.

***

Ash dashed through the Perspex double doors, once again dragging Liz by the hand.  They then slowed to a leisurely pace as they strolled down the bright pink corridor.

"I really hate these walls.  Why do they paint them in such a bright colour?" Liz asked.

"Human psychology.  They paint them pink because pink is supposed to make people happy.  They could have painted them a soft blue, that calms humans, but they didn’t.  This school prefers happy students to subdued ones.  Don’t you find that wonderful?"

"Doesn't make me happy.  I hate pink."

"Huh...maybe it only works on humans."

"Careful now."

Liz playfully barged into Ash, which moved him more than it should have for that amount of force.

"Anyway," Ash said.  "I like them coz they match my bag."

Ash turned slightly to show off his mostly pink bag decorated with all sorts of unnecessary accessories.  The only one that really caught Liz's eye was a yellow smiley face badge.

The bell rang and Liz instinctively jerked her hand away from Ash's grasp as students began to file out of their respective classrooms.

Among the stream of students as they made their way through them, Liz saw a face she recognised in that of a girl travelling the opposite way.

"Hi Natasha," Liz said.  Natasha neither responded or even looked her way, she just continued walking by.

Ash and Liz turned into a stairwell and began to ascend.

"What is up with that girl?" Liz asked.  "I say hi to her all the time and she always blanks me."

"How do you know her?" Ash said.

"I don’t.  She’s never spoken to me.  She’s in our English class; that’s where someone told me her name.  I’ve said hello to her practically everyday since we’ve been here and nothing."

"Well, maybe she doesn't like the way you look?" Ash suggested as they arrived on the second floor.

Ash continued onwards towards their classroom while Liz took a brief moment of self-examination.

She looked down at the male school uniform she was wearing, complete with trousers, blazer and tie.  Then she raised her left arm to handle a lock of her unstyled hair.

Before following Ash through the classroom door, she shook her head as she discounted this as a possibility.

Most seats were filled in the classroom, apart from the teacher's.

Ash and Liz sat down in their usual seats in front of James, who was by himself in a back corner...as usual.

***

Seth and Josh walked through the still busy corridor when a student knocked Josh's shoulder.

The nervous student stopped as Josh glared at him.

"I'm sorry Josh," he said.

After a few more moments of staring, Josh eventually lightened up.

"Don't worry about it," he said, before continuing onwards with Seth as they left the relieved student behind.

On the way through the crowds, Seth shot him a glance as if he had just done something unusual.

"What?" Josh said.  "He apologised.  There's nothing worse than rudeness."

***

Mr. Foster entered the classroom and took his place behind the desk as the bell rang.

"Ouiet down," he said.  "Let's get started."

Josh and Seth entered and headed for their seats.

"Bell's rung, you're late," Mr. Foster pointed out with no response.  The pair just ignored him as they sat down in front of Ash and Liz, with Josh getting out his books and Seth returning to reading his novel.

"Now today we're going to talk about a man named Vlad the Impaler," Mr. Foster told them, a split second later Jane raised her hand.

"Sir," she said.  "That's not on the syllabus.  We're supposed to be doing the Bolsheviks."

"I’m done teaching you the syllabus.  If you wanna go over it again before study leave, just revise it yourself.  This my favourite part of the year, the time when I can finally teach what I want.  You gotta problem with that?"

Jane reluctantly shook her head.

"Now..." Mr. Foster began.  "Vlad the Impaler was the Prince of Wallachia, present day southern Romania, in the fifteenth century.  Vlad is known as one of the most brutal tyrants in history.  His totalitarian rule was indeed harsh but it kept the best order in all the world.  Throughout all of modern history, it has been debated on whether it is really worth it.  One of my favourite stories about Vlad is that when an Ottoman army came to invade.  It arrived at the River Danube to see thousands of impaled corpses along its banks.  So terrified were they by this disgusting sight, they turned back out of sheer fear.  So, thinking back, did Vlad really take pleasure in the horrendous torture of thousands, or was he just a master of psychological warfare?"  Mr. Foster looked over the faces of his students as if he actually wanted a response.  "Let's face it, he was just a psychopath."

Mrs. Foster entered the room with little regard for the fact that a class was in progress and marched up to her husband.

"Hi Mrs. Foster," Ash enthusiastically waved at her.

"Hello Ashley," she said sweetly to Ash before returning to cold mode for Mr. Foster.  "And hello Mike.  I had some spare time so I just thought I’d swing by and see what you’re doing to get such crappy results from your class."

"Excuse me Fiona?"

"It's going to be study leave soon and I bet you're wasting your time going on about Vlad the Impaler again."

He couldn't help but avert his gaze.

"I don't believe it," she said.  "I'm right, aren't I?  Maybe that’s why my class completely spanked yours in the January exams.  The same’s gonna happen again with the summer ones.  Just face it, your class is dumber than mine."

"Many of these pupils are also in your Biology class," he defended his class.

"It seems you’re right.  Let’s see, same students with very different results.  I guess I just must be a much better teacher."

Mrs. Foster smiled at him just before a full scale argument ensued.

The class weren't paying much attention by this point.  They had already witnessed this scene countless times.

Ash used the 'free-time' to tap Josh on the shoulder in front of him, who didn't respond.  Failing to (or choosing not to) take the hint, Ash proceeded to poke him continuously until he turned around.

"What?" Josh said irately.

"Well, you're not in a very good mood, are you?" Ash remarked.  "Want me to tell you a joke to cheer you up?"

"No-"

"Why did the mushroom go to the party?"

"I don't care..."

"Because he was..."

"If you say he was a fungi, I swear to God Ash, I will kill you," Josh said.  "So what's the punchline?"

"I don't want to tell you now," Ash pretended to pout, prompting Liz to shove Josh's arm.

"Hey," she said.  "Don't bully Ash."

Meanwhile, during this time, the Fosters' argument had continued.  It was now Mr. Foster's turn.

He said, "-Well excuse me for teaching in a subject that actually requires some thinking that can’t be measured by exams as well as your box-ticking, teach them how to pass tests rather than actually teach them something useful and/or interesting biology rubbish."

"I think I’ve wasted enough time here," she said.  "I’ve got past papers with perfect scores to mark."

As she left, Mr. Foster turned back to his class to notice that Jane's hand was raised, for how long it had been up he couldn't be sure.

"Yes Jane?"

"I just wanted to say that I think the arguments you always have with Mrs. Foster are completely unprofessional."

"Open your book please Jane."

"But there's nothing about Vlad the Impaler in there."

"Screw him.  We're gonna go over the Bolsheviks again.  There's no way I'm losing to her.  Everyone get reading."

Ash turned round to James, who was staring out his window with no books on his desk.

"Hey James?" Ash said.  "Are those two really married?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" James replied dryly.

"Sir?" Ash called.  "Are you and Mrs. Foster really married?"

"What of it?" Mr. Foster said.

"I don't get why."

"Eyes on your book Ash."

As the class continued around them, Ash ignored the order and instead chose to get the attention of both Seth and Josh.

"Hmm?" Josh said.

"Are you guys going over to James' after school?" Ash asked.

"I guess," Josh said while Seth nodded.

"What did you just say?" James asked from the back.

"Just about us all going over to yours later," Ash said.

"I don't think so," James said.

"Aww," Ash said.  "But we wanna see your mum again."

"We really like her," Liz said.

"She is just brilliant," Ash said.

"I disagree," James said.

"We know you really love her," Ash said.

Liz nudged Ash in the ribs and whispered, "Hey, do it now."

"Sir?" Ash called out.  "It's a nice day out, can we open the curtains?"

"What?" a distracted Mr. Foster said.  "Oh, sure.  Jane?  Open the curtains please."

Jane obediently got up and opened the curtains, letting the Sunlight invade the classroom.  "What the hell?" the other students heard her say.

Mr. Foster approached the windows at the back of the class to see what had shocked Jane so much.  Many students had also turned round out of curiosity.

Across the courtyard, suspended from the roof of the opposite building, Petie the penguin dangled halfway down, attached to the roof via a noose.

The whole class rushed to the window to witness this, all except Ash and Liz, who remained at their desk, trying not to laugh.

The class could see two Porters trying their best to bring the penguin down under the watch of the headmistress, Ms. Gracey.

Mr. Foster turned to Ash and Liz and said, "Not curious about what everyone's looking at?"

"Nah, not really," Ash said as Liz struggled not to laugh.

"Could it be that you've already seen it?" Mr. Foster implied.

"What?" Ash said.  "A suicidal penguin?  Of course, we saw one on the way to school, they're everywhere."

"It's very tragic," Liz said.  "Something must be done."

"How did you know it was the penguin?" Mr. Foster asked, causing Ash and Liz to instantly shut up and immediately find their history books fascinating.

Mr. Foster decided to let it go and turned back to the window with a slight smile as he observed one Porter cut the rope on the roof, letting the penguin fall into the arms of the second Porter waiting below.

The Porter caught the penguin and spotted a note pinned to its chest, which he removed and read.

"What is that?" Ms. Gracey demanded.

"Looks like a suicide note," the Porter chuckled.

Ms. Gracey snatched it from his hand and read it herself.  The note only contained four words, 'GOODBYE CRUEL WARMING GLOBE'.

The Porter, unable to contain his amusement, wiped a tear from his eye.

"Do you find vandalism funny?" Ms. Gracey barked, causing the Porter to snap back into serious mode.

"Of course not Ms. Gracey," he said.

"Get that damn penguin back to the front gate," she ordered.

"Yes ma'am," the Porter said before disappearing with Petie.

Ms. Gracey screwed up the note and swivelled her head in the direction of Mr. Foster's classroom, scowling at the multitude of students at the window.

As Gracey's eyes fell upon them, the entire class rushed back to their seats, including the teacher.

Unable to control themselves any longer, Ash and Liz burst out in laughter.