Loose Girl

My first poem on this site. Feel free to comment and criticize. I want all the feedback I can get since I'm a new writer just starting out.

Lying here, drowned in sorrow

Pair for hire, just a body to borrow.

My body was still, my breath was crass

I quietly listened to the time pass. 

The blankets covered me, and here I was freezing

I shouldn't be here in this place so displeasing. 

I watched out the window, tears fell from my eyes.

I felt so much shame, my life was naught but lies. 

I tilted my head, and looked at the floor,

"My clothes," I thought, "what happened to no more?"

From my face the tears continued to fall

From within the deep night, there, I heard a call.

I turned over in bed and hoped to see  something, 

But there it was... absolutely nothing. 

I got out of bed, and put on my clothes,

I looked to the dresser, and there lay a rose. 

I wiped the tears from my face to read

There lay a note saying, "Here's the money. It's all you need." 

I threw down the paper and fell to my knees,

I clasped my face with my hands, "God help me please..."

There was no answer, only the quiet sound

Of shame and disgust... salvation never found. 

Author's Note

Feel free to criticize, comment, or say whatever you want. I'm looking for any feedback because I'm sort of new to writing.

Reviews

[Brenden Moran]

Line 2, you should remove "just a", lines 4, 6 and 10 need meter revising. Other than that its very well composed. Pen after my own heart :) Good Job.

[Eddie]

Your poem is deep and take the read to a wide array of feeling and thoughts. Good job.

[13ReasonsWhy]

Oh my gosh this is amazing! So powerful! Very relatable! And it has that flow to it. Very good a job well done for your first poem posted on here. :)