Simplicity

A very confusing rantish thing made by an angsting teenager after looking back on history. I wonder why she wants anyone to read it.

            Sometimes it just starts weighing down on me. Randomly. I don’t know quite what to do. Because sometimes it hits me and I realize how damn stupid it all is, and it’s so stupid it’s depressing and there’s so many mistakes that we make and so many things that go wrong that it’s so stupid and damn it, damn it, damn it all…

 

            And it gets worse when I realize that I make just as bad mistakes, that I keep doing things wrong even when I know I’ll regret it in the future, and I might cry, but I’ll curl up in my bed under my covers and suddenly it’ll be a lot colder than it was before and I know why but I won’t think about it don’t think about it…

 

            Because it’s such a monstrous number of people that died back then, throughout all of history, so many people died and it was because everyone was so stupid and too pessimistic and too hopeful and no one can find the median, but everyone expects everyone else to, and we all act like we know what the perfect balance is but no one really does.

 

            And it seems like it should be so simple but obviously it’s not because since the beginning people have been struggling to find it and no one has, not that I know of, and if anyone did they didn’t tell anyone about it or it didn’t get widespread, and everyone is still floundering and struggling in life and no one knows the answer even with people saying “it’s simple.”

 

            It’s not simple. It’s never been simple. It will never be that simple. Even if it may seem simple, it’s not, but we keep making mistakes and in hindsight it just seems that way because we can’t stop regretting.

 

            And even if someone else or even you yourself tries to warn you about your actions you’ll still continue through, and in the end you’ll end up crying and wondering why you did it, but you’ll know why so it’s not really a question, but the thoughts will keep swirling around in your head until you just get confused, and if you try to write it down it will just end up as a mess of incoherency.

 

            Like this. This is a good example.

 

            You look at it and you want to change what you’ve done, what other people have done, you want to go back and tell them “don’t do it, please, please” but then you think about it and wonder if they’d even listen to you, probably not, so you just give up and that’s the mistake that everyone makes, and yet sometimes it’s not a mistake.

 

            You can’t say “never give up” to someone because believe it or not, there are times where you have to give up, it’s true, even if it seems pessimistic or maybe I’m being too optimistic and I can’t tell because I can’t figure out the median, ARGH.

 

            And then you think about everything too much and you want to cry, but you don’t, you just get a headache and you know you have to do homework but it hurts so much you can’t function, and you feel so tired and empty and try to fill up the space with something and maybe yet again the answer is right in front of you and maybe it seems simple but I can tell you, it’s not, it’s not simple because like I said, it’s never simple, there’s never a one way street to happiness, you have to struggle and you have to fall, but no one wants to struggle and fall because it makes you dirty and hurts you.

 

            Even me, I want people to stop making mistakes but if they didn’t make mistakes then maybe they wouldn’t have to struggle and fall and hurt and cry, so people have to make mistakes yet I want them to stop it even knowing that they have to and that no matter what I say people will continue to hurt and cry.

 

            And I can’t think of anything else to say and what am I supposed to DO?! I want to change something, I want to help someone, but the future is never that simple and I don’t know how to help people and I don’t know what path I should start to step on because I have to move forward, but if I move one step I’ll end up on a different path then I’m on now, but maybe if I move it’s a mistake because I could wind up on a path miles away and then look back and say “I should’ve stepped in a different direction back there” but I don’t know because the future winds and coils and NO ONE KNOWS.

 

            And I – you – we – look at the path before me, you, us, and get so confused that tears fall and nothing can be done to stop them and you can’t do anything but regret, regret, regret, regret, regret.

 

            And we continue to struggle.

 

            Forever.

 

            And it’s so damn frustrating.

           

            And after this, I feel so unsatisfied. Maybe it’s because I said this much and didn’t reach any conclusion. That’s what they always do when they write, they reach a conclusion but I can’t reach one because I think my question is unanswerable, or maybe I’m just writing and I don’t know what my question is, and maybe I came up with an answer and I just don’t know it and will realize it ten years along the line, when I’ve already made one wrong step that lead to a lifetime of regret.

 

            Or maybe that’s my conclusion. That there is no conclusion. Though it’s not very satisfying, is it? Maybe it is to you. It certainly isn’t to me. Maybe it’s like a thesis. Supposed to be a summary, simple and compressed in one sentence near the end.

 

            But like I said, nothing’s ever that simple.

 

            (Maybe THAT’S my conclusion.)

Author's Note

This is. x_x Ugh. I don't know. A result of being depressed and not being able to think straight. It's made of crap and angst. Argh. I don't know. I've been feeling randomly - um, for lack of a better word, empty, recently. And then I read some Hetalia (which is like history, only instead of countries there's people) and. Some people went and wrote fanfics about it, and well, I got depressed enough that I couldn't concentrate on anything and this somehow came into its stupid existence.

Reviews

[Steve]

Hey, I think this is just something that has to be said, and it reads well as a stream of consciousness.

You just have to accept the ways of the world I think, rather than let it keep you awake at night. I hope writing this down eased the load a bit :)