Irresponsible

My life has been that of boredom, I was of average upbringing, not achieving much in my lifetime but there is an allure to my life, a calming effect so to say. Would you like to hear it?

I was born to a tailoring family up in the mountains, we were of average standing in society, not having too much nor too little. I neither had the finger wits nor the creative mind of a tailor but what I had was a thirst for books, I would lose myself in books, through hot summers and cold winters, I’d read every book I could get my hands on. From Schopenhauer to Kierkegaard, from Akutagawa to Sōseki, I’d bury myself in books as if to hide from my weakness in my family, I had become a black sheep of the family.

My father was tired of my refusal to carry the family tradition of being a tailor as I saw no future in it. As for that reason, he would frequently beat me to force the man into me, to beat me into submission but then I made a deal with him, it was if I were able to attain employment at a prestigious company and work my way up the ladder, he would leave me be.

So then from the day I made that deal, I worked hard, going through sleepless nights and tired days to study hard and soon I got a master’s in aeronautic engineering. I got a job designing aeroplanes for a well-known company that designs commercial aeroplanes for air travel.

But soon, the war came and we were tasked with designing fighter planes and bombers for the navy, since I was the more certified amongst my colleagues and due to my past of designing commercially successful aeroplanes, I was tasked with designing the fighter planes, I left very little room for ammunition as I did not wish to see my works destroying the lives of innocents however the navy would not accept such reason so I kept my intentions a secret.

When the war was over, the company I was working under was no longer allowed to make fighter planes and bombers and with the lack of money going around, we had to declare bankruptcy and soon I was without a job.

Soon I was thrown into my world of books again, not leaving my apartment for days at a time, only stopping to use the toilet and drinking water only, one day I went out to buy a new book to read and I bumped into a lady. This lady was quiet, she had the eyes of a puppy and full lips, fair and light-skinned and a stunning figure to compliment it all but wrapped under that of traditional clothing which did a good job of hiding it but not to my eyes.

We saw each other 3 times a week and I have this power, this drive in me to keep seeing her, we did a lot of things together. Soon we were seen as a couple but many people outside but to each other, we were merely friends, we gave each other gifts and exchanged letters aplenty with each other, suddenly the letters stopped coming. For weeks, I had questioned if I had turned her away with my boring writing or did the rose-tinted glasses finally fell off. But I had later found out that a former lover had stabbed her out of a jealous rage and she had passed from it.

News of her death hit me harder than I had expected it to, we were a couple yet and yet I wept like a lover who had just lost their better half, I had cried until I couldn’t breathe as I realised that my love did have consequences and from there on I never loved another woman even again.

Soon after I had known the death of my friend, I found employment as a lecturer teaching my experience as an aeronautics engineer, the job paid well and came with with perks of free housing and transport reimbursement and I enjoyed myself at the job a lot. Soon my sister came to visit me, she had brought news that my mother had passed and I had missed the funeral. I was beyond devastated as my mother was the one who would always step in to protect me from my father’s rage and she would also be the one to buy me new books when I was younger.

My sister and I never got along, she always had this thin veneer of being the respectable, independent woman that society aspects of her but she would always see me as the brother who ran away from his family and the responsibility of being the firstborn of an illustrious tailoring family who clothed from celebrities to high ranking dignitaries to even members of the royal family. She would never forgive me for abandoning my role in my family.

Soon I had amassed a sizeable fortune to retire early, I was only in my mid-fifties so after a life of fast-paced events, I chose to work as a humble public toilet cleaner. I had bought a microvan and a small apartment in the quieter parts of the capital, I am content with my life as a toilet cleaner, perhaps it’s the easy routine of it all, maybe it’s the slow-paced lifestyle I now lead but I now found peace in this routine.

One day, A girl no older than sixteen appeared on my doorstep, as it turns out, this young girl is the daughter of my sister. She had gotten into a fight with her mother and had planned from the start to stay with me, I can see it in her eyes, I know those rebellious eyes so I told her that this world is made up of different worlds, the one that I stay in is different from her mother’s, when she asked what world is she in, I replied with saying that you build your own world on your own accord and to always listen to your heart as it knows what’s best for you.

After two days of my niece staying with me, I called my sister over the phone to get her to fetch her off my hands. One evening after my niece and I had our meal together, my sister made a surprise visit to fetch her rebellious daughter away. I had given my niece one of my books for her to read before letting her go with her mother and for my troubles, my sister gave me a box of my favourite chocolate and told me that Father could no longer recognise anything and I should visit him at the nursing home but again as the irresponsible brother I am, I quietly refuse.

And that leads me to here, in my apartment, on my day off, going through my life for I am forever an irresponsible family member.

Reviews

[justforfun]

Well written with good flow. It is sad that the piece, while it reflects good intellect and some degree of passion, it speaks poorly of your character. You speak of being average and use that as a label and that to some degree are ashamed of it. No one takes advice from a stranger, one that has not proven themselves. With that I will only offer that the day you put yourself out for someone else, the day you put yourself second, the day you decide to do something for someone else for their benefit you. You will have made a change, done something important. Giving a book to your niece was a cop out, what she needed was your love and acceptance. I commend you for being so honest. You have good skills as a writer. Yours is a sad story on very many levels.