Separation

A guy decides to stop hanging out with his best mate... with consequences...

indent]Girlfriends come and go but best mates are always there...

     I sat down on the couch and shook my head disapprovingly at him, �you just don�t get it do you?� I said.
     He stared forlornly back at me silent, shrunken, red-eyed and completely partied out.
     �I can�t cover for you anymore mate; the excuses are getting a little thin on the ground now and people are starting to notice.�
     He bobbed his head slightly as if conceding the point.
     �It�s not just the trouble you get me in, the humorous little scrapes that I can write about and post on the Writer�s Caf�. You�re starting to make me look like a twat. And the money side of things� Jesus. If you were bringing money into the house it wouldn�t be so bad � I could live with that, in fact, I�d be chuffed to bits! But no. F**k me, you�re costing me money.�
     I ran my finger along the empty tin of beer that I was holding and pinged the rim with a fingernail and sighed. �Okay, perhaps its not all you,� I admitted. �Maybe I go out too much, maybe I drink too much when I do� but you have to admit, more often than not, it�s your idea that we go out � you with the master plan. I haven�t been to a decent club in months; it�s always the cattle markets where the slappers hang out. B**b tubes and blonde hair is great and all but I�d like, for once, to go out with a nurse or a school teacher, a woman with brains and not just 36DD�s�� I gave a little shrug, �okay maybe brains and 36DD�s, but you know what I mean.�
     I cracked open another tin of beer and drank deeply, this was harder than I thought; we�d hung out together for so long.
     �Look, I�m not blaming you for Delilah, I know I should have kicked her into touch after the first night and now I�m forking out four hundred quid a month in child maintenance. But my point is, if you hadn�t been chasing after Sindy f*****g Parsons, it wouldn�t have happened. Financially I�m on the bones of my arse here; I�m going to lose the flat and everything in it. S**t�� My mum always said I was too easily led, I was pissed off at the time but I think this was largely due to the fact that she was probably right. I just couldn�t let him lead me around like this anymore, his up and at �em - always have a good-time attitude and persuasive arguments was leading me down a path I didn�t want to take. I was beginning to suspect that I had a drink problem; I knew he was useless when drunk, hanging off me like some f*****g drooling imbecile and making me look like a right c**t.
     �Look I�m sorry you got herpes from Carol Sweeney, okay I admit, that might have been my fault� but it�s not my fault that you are allergic to latex.�
     He said nothing, just lowered his head and stared into the distance, numb. Perhaps he even sensed what was coming. Did he even care? The prick.
     I drank half the beer and blew out my cheeks, it was him or me. �Your attitude is starting to drag me down fella, I�m sorry.�

     I drained the beer and tossed it across the room. Taking up the nail scissors I stared down at him, his head resting quietly against my upper thigh � I hope that anaesthetic has had time to kick in.      Lifting him up gently, I pressed the scissors to the base. My hands began to tremble and sweat ran off my brow. With a deep breath I started to cut.
     There was no pain at first. Wow, that�s pretty gristly, I thought.

     Girlfriends come and go but best mates are always there� until they start to drop you in the s**t.

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Reviews

[alesuriko]

You're grammar's really bad in this one, you should start thinking about using punctuation. I liked the blunt, gory and detailed honesty of this story though. The beginning reminded me too much of Shawn of the Dead but it started to get original in its own way. Gruesome and interesting. I particularly liked the addition of herpes and the "not my fault you're allergic to latex." Dark humor entwined with this sick story. Well done.

[Xfaerie corpseX]

woah, that shocked the poo outta me.

i didnt think he'd end up doing that!
but what a great twist! marvelous job!

woot woot!

three thumbs up

[.]

Nice flow and funny indeed, as usual
I did not expect such an end, but it's great!
xD
Nice write

[Marie]

I love you're writing. It's fresh, to the point, and funny and serious at the same time.

[dawnsue541]

eeewwww! Good story though!

[Kali]

Holy mother of God! I kinda knew who you were talking to...but that ending...good lord why??

[Chantal-lise Mirman]

Talk about drastic solutions! I guess it was inevitable; once you can longer communicate, what's the point? The best line, to me: "Did he even care? The prick."

You have such a twisted imagination that even though I enter your stories looking in all directions, I still don't see the surprise endings coming until VERY near the end. Your dialogue, as always, is perfect. In hindsight, there are always clues, but you don't give anything away. The conversation is appropriate to whichever of the situations the reader is envisioning.

I don't think I've ever met anyone else who manages to be simultaneously funny and macabre!

I think I'll save this one as a cautionary tale, to pull out at opportune bad date moments!

[TL Boehm]

oh my goodness! Its so funny - I never saw this coming - yet you SCREAMED it through the whole story with lines like "we'd hung out together" "up and at 'em" this piece is insane dark humor. Loved it.

[Aj Brown]

Hey man, this was pretty good. I thought it was pretty well written and you gave nothing away as to the best mate. The ending made me cringe, just because I knew WHAT he was about to snip. Ouch. Man, don't do that again.

You put just enough info on there to give the illusion that he was talking to a person and not his manhood. That gave the ending a lot more impact. Very nicely done.

I've made a few (not many) comments in the text of your story. They are in [[these]]. They are just my opinions so use what you can and disregard the rest.

Thanks for the read.

AJ



Girlfriends come and go but best mates are always there...

I sat down on the couch and shook my head disapprovingly at him, �you just don�t get it do you?� I said.
He stared forlornly back at me silent, shrunken, red-eyed and completely partied out.
�I can�t cover for you anymore mate; the excuses are getting a little thin on the ground now and people are starting to notice.�
He bobbed his head slightly as if conceding the point.
�It�s not just the trouble you get me in, the humorous little scrapes that I can write about and post on the Writer�s Caf�. You�re starting to make me look like a twat. And the money side of things� Jesus. If you were bringing money into the house it wouldn�t be so bad � I could live with that, in fact, I�d be chuffed to bits! But no. F**k me, you�re costing me money.�
I ran my finger along the empty tin of beer that I was holding [[change 'was holding' to 'held'�was holding is passive and held makes the sentence more active.]] and pinged the rim with a fingernail and sighed. �Okay, perhaps its not all you,� I admitted. �Maybe I go out too much, maybe I drink too much when I do� but you have to admit, more often than not, it�s your idea that we go out � you with the master plan. I haven�t been to a decent club in months; it�s always the cattle markets where the slappers hang out. B**b tubes and blonde hair is great and all but I�d like, for once, to go out with a nurse or a school teacher, a woman with brains and not just 36DD�s�� I gave a little shrug, �okay maybe brains and 36DD�s, [[I love this line�what man wouldn't want smarts and DD's?]] but you know what I mean.�
I cracked open another tin of beer and drank deeply, [[Right here, I would either make the next part of this sentence a new sentence all together or replace the comma with a semi-colon.]] this was harder than I thought; we�d hung out together for so long.
�Look, I�m not blaming you for Delilah, I know I should have kicked her into touch after the first night and now I�m forking out four hundred quid a month in child maintenance. But my point is, if you hadn�t been chasing after Sindy f*****g Parsons, it wouldn�t have happened. Financially I�m on the bones of my arse here; I�m going to lose the flat and everything in it. S**t�� [[New paragraph here.]] My mum always said I was too easily led, I was pissed off at the time but I think this was largely due to the fact that she was probably right. I just couldn�t let him lead me around like this anymore, his up and at �em - always have a good-time attitude and persuasive arguments were leading me down a path that I didn�t want to take. I was beginning to suspect that I had a drinking problem; I knew he was useless when drunk, hanging off me like some f*****g drooling imbecile and making me look like a right c**t.
�Look I�m sorry you got herpes from Carol Sweeney, okay I admit, that might have been my fault� but it�s not my fault that you are allergic to latex.�
He said nothing, just lowered his head and stared into the distance, numb. Perhaps he even sensed what was coming... Did he even care? The prick.
I drank half the beer in one go and blew out my cheeks, it was him or me. �Your attitude is starting to drag me down fella, I�m sorry.�

I drained the beer and tossed it across the room. Taking up the nail scissors I stared down at him, his head resting quietly against my upper thigh � I hope that anaesthetic has had time to kick in. Lifting him up gently, I pressed the scissors to the base. My hands began to tremble and sweat ran off my brow. With a deep breath I started to cut.
There was no pain at first. Wow, that�s pretty gristly, I thought.

Girlfriends come and go but best mates are always there� until they start to drop you in the s**t.

[Vinny Alascia]

I liked this quite a bit the pacing is perfect and the ending a good jolt without being too out there. It is well written too.