Falling

           There is a strange sense of release in staring out into nothingness. I feel almost as if I am floating, detached from the world. Balmy air currents buffet me, ruffling my hair and making my eyes tear. I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet, feeling the curved hardness of concrete under my Fluffy Bunny Feet slippers… oh yes, I’m wearing slippers all right.

            I close my eyes, take a deep cleansing breath and lean forward…

 

            Whoa-whoa, stop! Let’s rewind this. It might help if I relayed the events leading up to this moment. Okay, here goes…

 

            “I’m leaving you.”

            “What?”
            Emma stood in the living room arms folded protectively across her chest and stared at me.

            “I said, I’m leaving you,” she replied.

            This really was a kick in the tits I must say. I’d recently lost my job through redundancy at a metal fabricators; apparently a robot can make a better fist of working at 1000^th of an inch than I can… pfft! Unfunnily enough, it was not the first time I’d been replaced by a robot, I’d found the evidence in Emma’s bottom drawer… a bloody monster too, it was like a tree branch! Urrgh!

              “Why?” It seemed a sensible question; after all we’d been together for five years and lived together for four of them.

               “I’m seeing someone else.” 

F**k me, talk about a straight answer. I kind of wanted her to scoot around it, perhaps sugar coat it a bit. To be honest it was kind of a shock and it wasn’t at the same time. I’d found a bunch of texts on her mobile a few months back, we’d argued about it but little, in the end, had come of it. She said that she’d been texting a former co-worker up in London and it had got a little out of hand, a little fruity, nothing more. It all seemed to die the death and life returned to normal. A week later I found a receipt for a pay-as-you-go sim card in the bin, no doubt to cover up further illicit texts and phone calls. And so… I decided, with no real proof on my side, to ignore it.

Nice one dumbass.

“Who - who is it?” I stammered, feeling my heart start to trip-hammer and my head whirl.

“Jeff from upstairs,” she replied tartly. Jeff was the heavily-muscled martial arts nut from the flat above. 

 

If anyone was going to end up raging up and down the High Street, naked on a Saturday afternoon, spraying the general public with bullets from an AK-47… it would be him. He’d even changed his name by Deed Poll to Jeff ‘the Death’ Mackie. I’d often catch him on the stairs on his way to or from the gym; he would grin/sneer and refer to me as pipe-cleaner arms.

“All right pipe-cleaner arms! Clean any pipes today, pipe-cleaner arms!” He would say then would execute some elaborate high kicking manoeuvre for good measure.

I’ll clean your f*****g pipes, you prick, I would say, under my breath.

 

“How long has this been going on?” I managed to say, gripping the sofa.

“Eight months or so,” she replied casually.

“Eight months!! That’s almost time enough to have a baby!”

“Yeah, we’ve talked about it,” she said. She seemed bored.

“Christ…” I felt suddenly very dizzy. “We haven’t even talked about that?”

“Oh God, Dave, why would we?” She said. “Why the f**k would I want a kid by a spot welder?”

“I’m a fabricator,” I replied. I almost said, and that makes two of us, I but didn’t. I wish I had now.

I had then a dreadful flashback. Sat at home, feet up on the coffee table. The football’s on, we’re losing… again. Emma’s working the late shift at the Hospital. And there it is again, the steady, rhythmic thump thump thump of the headboard on the wall in the flat above.

 

Emma’s working the late shift at the Hospital.

Emma’s. Working. The. Late. Shift. At. The. Hospital…

Working the LATE shift.

 

“You work in a day-care unit don’t you…”

“Yep.”

I sighed and sat down on the sofa.

“What is it? What has he got that I don’t have?”

Emma looked at me the way you look at a child who’s just rolled in dog s**t for attention. “Umm… well let’s see.” And then thankfully to ensure that I could keep up, she started counting off various points on her fingers.

“A job, a Peugeot 306, abs to die for, a 46” flat screen telly, his own Dojo, a water bed, an en-suite bedroom, abs to die for, a big c**k, interesting friends, a waistline under 36”, great dress sense, more than one bottle of aftershave,   Sky+ multi-room and he earns £36k a year plus bonuses, a personality… and, oh… he’s got me.”

“Great dress sense? He wears tracksuits all day.” I retorted, quietly pleased that I’d managed to skirt around the ‘big c**k’ comment.

 Emma rolled her eyes. “Jeff’s got ambition. He could really go places; he’s in the top 37 kickboxers in Devon.”

“So you mean he’s 37^th then…”

“Don’t be jealous Dave, it doesn’t become you.”

“So where does that leave us?” I said staring at my hands.

“It doesn’t leave us anywhere.”

“Oh… right. Isn’t there at least a chance?”

“Look Dave,” Emma started rummaging about in her handbag. “This is really all your fault when you think about it.”

“My fault? How is it my fault?”

She sighed again and shook her head irritably. “Look, I don’t really have a lot of time; Jeff and I are going to the cinema tonight and…”

She pulled out a key.

“You’ve got a key to his flat?”

She stared at me. “I’m moving in with him.”

I pursed my lips. “Well, what if I went upstairs to talk to him.”

“Yeah, I don’t think he’d understand,” she said disinterestedly.

“What if I talked really slowly and used words of only one syllable?”

“He’d probably rip your head off. Look, it’s only my good will that’s stopped him coming down here and breaking your arms and legs.”

“Why? What have I done?”

 “Umm…duh… you’re the other guy…”

“Hang on, when did I become the other guy?”

She furnished me with a pained expression that didn’t really explain anything at all. “Look we’re just going round in circles here, Dave, I need to go and get ready. We’re going to the Harbourmaster in town first.”

“That was our first date…”

“Yeah I like it there.”

“Oh right… goodo…”

Emma turned to leave and then stopped. “Oh and you’ll need to vacate the flat by the weekend.”

“It’s Thursday!”

“Damn it Dave, this hasn’t been easy for me either you know!”

“I bet. Your back must be killing you.”

“F**k you Dave,” she said bitterly.

“What about the kids?” I stared across the room.

Emma sighed. “You can see Jamal and Latika whenever you want; I’m not a complete b***h you know, whatever you think of me… I’ll have them look out the window so you can see them from the street.”

“His flat is five floors up!”

“Don’t make this more difficult than it already is Dave…”

“Where am I going to go?”
            “Umm… not my problem. Jeff’s coming down to pick up my stuff tomorrow afternoon, I wouldn’t be around if I was you.”

“Yeah washing my blood out of his shirt would be a chore wouldn't it…”

 

She opened the door. “Right, I’ll see you around. Don’t wait up.”

She closed the door with a satisfactorily relationship terminating thud. 

What was that? That was your love life mate.

 

I heard the door opening upstairs. A whoop. A giggle. The floorboards creaking. Another thud and then moments later… that all too familiar, steady, rhythmic thump thump thump of a headboard on a wall…

 

My first thought was to take a s**t in her microwave. Instead I swiped a bottle of Vodka from the cabinet and unscrewed the lid…

 

So that brings me pin-wheeling and crashing here to this moment, this very defining point. The wind in my hair. Four stories up, teetering on the balustrade of the balcony, in Fluffy Bunny Feet slippers.

 

Wobbling.

 

I stare down at Jamal and Latika. They seem pretty oblivious to it all. Jamal is staring back into the living room pondering possibly on the sudden change of scenery. Latika is worrying at the little deep sea diver guy and trying aimlessly to shake off the little tail of fish poo she seems to have excreted.

Fair one, I’d be shitting myself too if I were sober.

I lean forward…

A second later everything is a spinning eddy of lights, water, pink and blue gravel and detached fish poo. I worry briefly weather I should have left a note or-

 

“Pipecleaners!” I say.

“Ahhh, Mr Groves… welcome back,” the man says. He smiles.  He is a nice looking older man, wearing white and sporting a trimmed white moustache.

“Is that it? Am I dead?” I say. My mouth feels dry and unsavoury.

“Dead?” The man smiles again. “No, you’ve had a lucky escape, incredibly lucky if you ask me.”

“What happened?”

“You fell off your balcony.”

“Fell…?”

“I’m afraid so. How do you feel?”

“Not great… my arm hurts.”

“You’ve sustained a relatively minor fracture, my friend, just a cracked scaphoid, we’ve casted it already, it’ll be fine.”

“Oh… right…”

“Now, do you feel up to answering a few questions?”

“Questions?”

“Yes,” he says stepping aside to reveal two men in suits. “The Police are here and want to ask you about your fall.”

“Police?”

“Hello sir,” one of the men says. “I’m DI Callaghan, this is DI Meacham, Devon & Cornwall CID. Yes, it seems when you fell there was some… collateral damage.”

“Was there?”

“Yes, it appears that you landed on a car… a Peugeot 306 to be exact. It broke your fall but unfortunately… a young couple were inside.”

“Jesus… what… what happened? Are they okay?”

DI Meacham twitches slightly. “I’m afraid not,” he says sternly… “The young lady died at the scene and her boyfriend sustained serious neck and back injuries, he probably won’t walk again...”

“Oh…”

 

 “…but it’s not all gloom and doom,” the Doctor says brightening.

I blink as he hands me a fat, bulging, see-through plastic bag.

“Some good natured soul managed to scoop up your fish and well, they may well have had a jolly good fright but, do you know… I think they’re going to be all right.”

 

Jamal blinks at me and Latika does another little poo and suddenly… I just can’t stop laughing.

 

 

 

Author's Note

This, believe it or not, is based on a true story...

Reviews

[Doreen]

You are, indeed, a master at telling a tale. This was splendid! Great opener that pulled me right in. I loved the dialogue which was natural and witty. Your timing is perfect, the reading is so easy, it's easy to forget that one is reading at all. I found myself giggling and raising eyebrows throughout the story, which was entertaining and very well written. The ending was great! And if that wasn't enough, your Author's Note made the tale that much more interesting. :)

[Satellite Heart]

wow. That was so amazing. I've never been more satisfied with a sads ending in all of my 14 years on this earth! It wasn't even sad I felt so bad for you dude. I was just hoping your b***h would let you keep the kids ( fishys ) I loved the ending, which to some may be disturbing but i foung myself laughing hyserically. great work.

[OceanTropic]

WOW!!!

First of all, you had me laughing the entire time. Your timing and witt is so charming!! I especially love the begining, pulled me right in. The ending was very ironic and I enjoyed it!!

I really like your sense of humour, it made your piece that much more enjoyable. As for the based on a true story, I'm really sorry to hear that :(

Amazing piece!! I really love your style, you should consider writing a book, i'm dead serious. You have the ability to hook an audience and then keep them hooked, and the way you write is easy to read and entertaining, even if the story is serious. Amazing job!!

[.Bunnie.]

Ya know, I have to say...that's too friggin' funny. This story is all over the place, but it flows well and even though you keep the reader absolutely puzzled as to what's going to happen next, it's hilariously justified in the end, and really fun to follow. Yet again...great job!

[Sean M. Addams]

very well written piece with a cool twist in the ending.... nice job on this one...

[Ryan]

Loved this story, it depressed me for some reason. Emma was a SHALLOW women...XD "abs to die for" LOL that was hilarious! Great job over all, can't find anything wrong with it. Also, did JK Rowling REALLY say you shouldn't be allowed to "reproduce"? LMAO! Wow...what'd you do to deserve THAT kind of comment? Anyways, sorry to be off topic, awesome story :D

[Ryan]

Loved this story, it depressed me for some reason. Emma was a SHALLOW women...XD "abs to die for" LOL that was hilarious! Great job over all, can't find anything wrong with it. Also, did JK Rowling REALLY say you shouldn't be allowed to "reproduce"? LMAO! Wow...what'd you do to deserve THAT kind of comment? Anyways, sorry to be off topic, awesome story :D

[Sammypookins]

True story lol.
Tell you what though bits of it ring true for me, who has never looked at their boy/girlfriends phone and been dropped solid by what you have read. Lot's of laughs in there and I particularly liked the fish names, I used to have a black fish with big googly eyes his name was Leroy!
Great story full of fun, loved the whole thing.
Fluffy bunny slippers and all. Sam x

[Emma Potter]

I thought this was quality! Really made me laugh at the end

[Kerry Petrichek]

I love this story. The twist at the end was fanstastic. Great writing!