The Philosophy of Inquisitiveness or Rather, Why I'm Stupid (in X Amount of Words)

The title pretty much says its all really... *sigh*

     I�ve always been an inquisitive sort of chap�
     Don�t go there.
     I wouldn�t if I were you.
     Stop!
     I wouldn�t touch her with a barge pole if I were you. (2 weeks on Doxycycline, for my troubles�)
     Don�t look now.
     Don�t touch�
     Statements like these instantly bring up an old clich� containing the words Red Rag and Bull.

     I blame my Mum. I remember at an early age messing about in the kitchen and making a grab for a hot pan on the stove. Mum slapped my hand away and said, �Don�t touch that! It�s is red hot, if you touch it you�ll burn yourself, don�t be silly!�
     Silly.
     Don�t be silly� hmm�
     Don�t touch that� hmmmm.
     I watched as Mum stepped into the larder to fetch the pasta.
     Don�t touch that�
     How hot can it be?
     I was a 5 year old Johnny Knoxville�
     How hot can it be? Very f*****g hot, that was the answer; very f*****g hot indeed�
     Consequently, I still have the scar on the palm of my right hand. I also still feel bad about my      Mum crying after the Nurse in Casualty gave her a strict dressing down and a stern lecture about small boys, kitchens and hot pots.
     But that was the sort of kid I was.

     Later in life, I was lining my Piranha XL up with a steep drop rugged hill, a large tree-root-cum-ramp and a set of spiked railings. Now if I can clear those iron railings, I should be able to land my BMX on top of that asbestos roofed garage�
     My friend Stuart eyed it warily. �I wouldn�t if I were you��
     I smiled.
     Then I punctured a lung.
     Mum was absolutely pissed.

     Years later, on shore leave in Cartegena, Colombia. The Executive Officer of HMS Montrose made a broadcast over the Ship�s tanoy: �You are to keep out of unmarked cars, these are NOT taxis; there are people here who represent a clear and very real danger to members of our Ship�s Company. Do NOT go into the old town. Do NOT accept invites into any backstreet bars, STAY in the square.�
     Sigh�some people never learn do they?

     A few years after that, my best mate Nick said, �Mate, if I were you I�d steer well clear of that bird, she�s a s**t load of trouble.�
     A word floated across my eyes, blotting out all reasonable thought. B***s.
     �Honestly mate I wouldn�t touch her with a barge pole if I were you.�
     B***s.
     Sigh� I now have a 9 year old son that costs me �200 a month in maintenance. It also took me a whole fortnight to get over that dose of Gonorrhoea she decided to share with me. Which was nice.

     I think my point is that bouts of (varying degrees of) stupidity do occasionally pay dividends. You have to chance your hand.
     I was a hero to my school mates for leaping over the railings, it was just a shame that the asbestos roof wasn�t ready to bear the weight of one BMX (XL or otherwise) + 10 year old rider. They still talk about it even now, so I hear.
     I had a crazy, trouble free night in Colombia meeting some of the most interesting and colourful characters you could ever wish to meet. I recall downing shots on a table dancing with topless hookers in a bar that reminded me very much of the T***y Twister in �From Dusk Til Dawn� and doing the Macarena.
     Courtesy of the untrustworthy and decidedly unclean bar girl, I now have an amazing (and healthy) 9 year old son who, thankfully, is less adventurous and more well-balanced than I was.

     Of course, this all brings me to this point. This one microcosmic, life defining point. The do I or don�t I? point.
     Becoming involved in an �above top secret� Government project was one of the smarter decisions I might have made in my time. I mean, this is way above Men in Black and Stargate SG1 stuff; this goes waaaay beyond.

     Imagine this; imagine if we could stop conflicts before they happened, before they became a twinkle in the savage eye of a dictator. Before that even�
     �Oh I�m sorry Mrs Hussein, we appear to have dropped your baby.�
     �Oh dear has Mrs Hitler fallen down stairs again? That is clumsy.�
     �Congratulations Mrs Bin Laden, it�s a girl!�
     Now that would be something, to alter the course of history; to affect changes before they even occurred. We have agents sat at key points throughout time, ready and waiting� it�s really quite exciting. The difficult part is affecting these changes and rapidly tracing their effects prior to that effect becoming a major event in our time. If you change too much, everything could change, it could all end. Kind of like lighting one of a hundred fuses and tracing which stick of dynamite it�s going to set off before moving to a safe distance. The more recent the history, the quicker we have to trace and react� if we light the wrong fuse, in short, we�re hosed.
     Of course in order to prevent this sort of clusterfuck, you always need a failsafe. Something to snuff out the crackling fuse if it looks like it�s going to create a massive cosmic balls-up.
     A backspace�
     You need a delete button�
     Professor Meinheimer gave me a sacrosanct nod just moments before he left for the loo.
     The nod meant, you�re sure.
     It meant, you are in a position of unenviable trust.
     The nod meant, do NOT touch that button.

     I�m looking at it right now�
     The history erase button. Big, red and pulsing. A fat, mushroom, blinking.
     Yes / No. Yes / No. YES / NO.
     Oh man, now I know how those guys felt in the bunker on LOST. I mean erasing history, how bad could it be?

     Do NOT touch that button.

     I can�t help but smile.

     Do NO- �wink!�

����������������........................................................................ .


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Author's Note

This may or may not be a true story...
Either way.... it's not just me, look!: http://www.darwinawards.com/

Reviews

[Gandré]

this was fast paced like an action movie. I thought, I like your sharp observation and accurate wording, it couldn't be better! I had to get use to this world, but delicious! totally enjoyed. Your humor is original. Well done.

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

very enjoyable to read... the writing is great - tells tragic events with a bit of humor...

[JP thinks the WC is apt..]

An absolutely spellbinding piece. I love its dry humour, pulsating rhythm and your frankly nutty stream of consciousness. It also reminded me of Donnie Darko in a way - some disenfranchised kid with a means to change the world. Great story.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

We have "ballsy" people over here. They are often heard to say "Hey Y'all, watch this." Shortly before embarking on their trip to the emergency room. Howie, you made me laugh out loud. I have been atop "Mt. Traction" on a tobogan looking at the 2 meter opening in the thicket of trees as thick as phone poles and thought "If we lean hard at the top, we can make that opening." So I salute you!

[Holly Marsh]

I like this piece because it reminds me there really are people out there who are ballsy. I was never the type to push that button, or try something even if it meant me getting hurt (I have a very low pain tolerance). It's people like me who will watch people like you (and Johnny Knoxville) and cringe because we know that hurt really, really, really bad. :)

[Bob Carney, "Soon ..]

If only our lives came with a rewind and erase button. haha
I share your adventures (not the nine year old) in a lot of seedy bars in Mexico and wayward females with b***s that blinded me to what was the smart thing to do. I was never one to take my failures to heart too seriously and was always more than willing to think, It couldn't possibly happen twice could it? Of course, it did.
I also remember reading a short story about a Nazi soldier sent back in time to kill Winston Churchill whilst he slumbered in his crib as an infant. He completed the task and upon his return, proudly announced that he had indeed killed the famous Winston Churchill. His Nazi counterparts scratched their heads and asked.... "Who's Winston Churchill? We need to kill this Neville Chamberlain fellow." Time travel ain't what it's cracked up to be which is why we don't have the rewind or erase buttons available for widespread use. Our adventures make us who we are and for better or worse, gives us some great stories to tell. Entertaining as always mate!

[Narnie]

Oh and that kinda goes with my phrases of 'if it feels good do it' 'regret nothing' 'if you f**k up, blame your brain not yourself. :D

All the things I love about your writing are here Howie...

[Jared Kardos]

Very good piece, sir. Very funny. I can sort-of relate, in that I was the kid who always asked the dumb questions. :D

If there's anything that can be changed, I think it's the end with him and the history changing stuff. Maybe shorten it a bit? I think it's just interrupting it a bit, you know?

Still, awesome little diddy, made me laugh heartily.

[Carla (trying to make e..]

I don't think you've outgrown your 10 year old self....and I like that about you.

Keep on writing and sharing....we feeed off of your craziness......

Carla

[Ryan Otto]

great humor and engaging style! lolol