Echoes of You

~Echoes of You~

Your ghost hides in the corners of our wrinkled sheets,

reaching out transparent hands to grasp at my foolishness.

I've never enjoyed swimming naked in guilt's sea;
it leaves me dripping remorse.
It appears death's formidable grip can trump a full hand
of indifference every time.

The mundane, repetitious days of our existence
held me in perspective as one
too ambivalent to shake his disembodied shoulders.

The scent of your demise, to me, seemed innocuous�"
fleeting and unable to bloom.

But flowers, I've discovered, are fragile things
that, in a short period of time,
will die from the slightest chill.

And I�"unbelievably�"
immersed in my neglectful, narrow corner�"
unable to sympathize or relate to simple needs�"
never noticed at all�"
your petals�"
falling one by one.

How often have men picked their flower in life only to ignore her later through the trials of marriage? Her tears like petals have fallen. Now, through her absence, he realizes too late, what he has done: Disregarded and Ignored his soul mate.

Your thoughts are always welcome.

Author's Note

Note to self: Changed the picture and a couple of words.


A quick note:

~~This is by far my most popular poem. And yet, it didn't start that way. Many young people are offended by advice or suggestions from others. They feel insulted that someone would critique their writing.

As for me, I came here not just to share my writing but to learn as well. If it wasn't for suggestions from Rick Puetter and Girl Friday (see below) I don't think the poem would have been as good. The poet Richard also helped me fine tune the poem and it is now--after all these years--(in my mind) complete.

We can always learn from other people as long as we know they have more experience and know-how than us.~~

Reviews

[Cyndy Robinson]

I love this, and going through it to degree right now. I especially love the last stanza.

[Relic]

Thanks, glad you liked it.

[Cyndy Robinson]

Thank you. I did really enjoy it.

[Alias]

You've used such beautiful language, this is absolutely gorgeous, and I love the title! So effective and telling in just 3 words. I'd love it if you had a look at some of my poems and helped me learn too!

[Relic]

Thanks so much Alias. Richard and others played a big part in this. I'll review you soon, but keep in my mind I'm no expert. ha :)

[Alisa Js]

Thank you for your comments on my work. I look forward to reading more of them as time permits.

This one is indeed beautiful. Lovely in it's emotional content, vivid in it's depiction of that emotion.

Very well done.

Alisa ;-)

[Relic]

Than you very much Alisa. ;)

[Travis Prino]

I can see why this is your most popular. I absolutely love it.

[Relic]

Thank you very much Travis. :)

[William Gardner]

Great use of line breaks. You achieve double meanings with them especially in the swimming line. Enjoy the transposition of her the ghost and then your disembodied shoulders. Your voice gets weaker as she dies not in result of her demise but because of your lack of action. Nice work!

[Relic]

Thank you very much.

[Philip Muls]

Hi Relic, great write indeed and you can feel that it has been worked. I like how you use the heavy theme 'death's formidable grip' to get the reader's attention.

Delicate balance between sadness, dread, self-reflection and retribution.

[Relic]

Thank you Philip for the review.

[Philip Muls]

If you have time please read one of mine, I like your style and would love feedback.

[Relic]

I'll be there soon.

[maricoona91]

Hi Relic,
I like that you want honest reviews. I also want honest reviews, as I see many people on this website only giving little bits of praise, which is GOOD but not always helpful when help is needed. I think there are some really strong images in this poem.

Your ghost hides in corners
of our wrinkled sheets
reaching out transparent hands
to grasp at my foolishness.

I've never enjoyed swimming
naked in guilt's sea.
It leaves me dripping remorse,

I like how both stanzas have strong images, but then I am left with the words "foolishness"and later "remorse"which, in my reading of it (and i'm not a professional writer so its up to you to agree or disagree!) took away from those beautiful images. Mayve if there is an image that defines foolishness and an image for remorse the stanzas would become more powerful.
I also loves the images "scent of your demise"and "in my neglectful, narrow corner,
unable to sympathize". Strong images!
Keep up the beautiful imagery!
Thanks for sharing,
Marina

[Relic]

Thanks for the review Marina. I think at the time I wrote the poem I wanted to leave some things slightly vague for the reader to fill in the blanks. In other words, I didn't want to come right out and say anything verbally or in images.

The poem is basically about a man who is remorseful for not paying enough attention to his wife/girlfriend. She winds up committing suicide and it is not until this happens that he looks back at how foolish he was for not noticing or not wanting to notice the signs that were right in front of hi face. At least, that was my line of thinking.

The poem took many years to finish and your observations show it is not perfect, but I suppose no poem is. If we were to put the poem under a microscope I'm sure there would be other things that could use some slight tweaking but if that were the case, it would never be finished. haha

Anyway, thanks for your keen observations. 'Maybe' sometime in the future I'll keep your thoughts in mind and revise the poem, but for now, I'll let it stand as is.

Thank you Marina. :)

[Jen]

This is a beautiful poem, but it is the notes after the poem that I found so fruit-full! I especially loved the truthfulness in what you said - "How often have men picked their flower in life only to ignore her later through the trials of marriage. Her tears like petals have fallen. Now, through her absence, he realizes too late, what he has done: Disregarded and Ignored his soul mate." Very powerful! It was obvious this was the plot to your poem. Well done.

[Relic]

Thanks very much Jen.

[terry smith]

ignorance is bliss unless of coarse you are the recipient ! nicely done, love the poem!

[Relic]

Thanks Terry.

[Paavana Varma]

Such a wonderful poem! There are so many good lines too! Thank you for sharing...

[Relic]

I appreciate the review, thank you.