Special Offer

The business of "maids" in the Middle East

Are you tired of cleaning your house?

Are you sick of raising children?

What about the nagging of your spouse?

Come check out our latest bargain!

Various products of the South East

Enslaving selected races

Color choice is a limited feast

To prevent confusion of faces

The highest quality of performance

No need for a warranty

We confirm morality’s presence

We offer you no guarantee

A refurbished good costs 4 grand

And your sanity for the fresh

All profit goes to a single hand

As you purchase violated flesh

They shall work every night and day

As their hair becomes rootless

Torture them until they decay

Lock them up for serving their purpose

As long as they inhale oxygen

Mistreatment ignites their fire

You shall taste bitter like cinnamon

Your satisfaction is our desire

Author's Note

Some people say this is my best work up to date, and others say this lacks depth and message. Is this piece of work a professional one? I prefer full reviews.

Reviews

[Aarontastic]

I couldn't tell you whether or not this is your best work to date, but it's certainly a good poem and I enjoyed reading it. It's message is so obvious that I can't imagine anyone missing it: 'Special Offer' mordantly pillories the business of "maids" in the middle east. I liked how you approached the poem from the perspective of a seedy, tongue-in-cheek maid trafficking advertisement; it is more effective than criticizing the practice directly, because it makes it appear all the more ridiculous.

The question of depth is a relative one, and that dimension shouldn't be a basis of negative criticism of this poem. It's not as deep as, say, Pound's Cantos, but a 'social' poem like this is very relevant/current and that gives it meaning.

The poem itself was pretty simple insofar as rhyme scheme and structure goes. It's ABAB, with the exceptions of stanzas 1 and 5. In a poem this length, I feel like you should have gone all the way with the pattern you established from the second stanza on. It's cool that the first one doesn't keep to it, because that helps it stand out and kind of pull the reader in, but the fifth one would sound better if it were also ABAB, imo.

The poem has many verses full of great imagery and sensual descriptions. The second line of the fourth is a little confusing logically though; why is my sanity required for "the fresh"? It seems like that line was a little contrived in order to fit the rhyme scheme.

The rest of the verses in the poem are really creative and evocative; the second and sixth stanzas are my favorites. I esp. like these lines:

"They shall work every night and day
As their hair becomes rootless"


"You shall taste bitter like cinnamon
Your satisfaction is our desire"

That's not just filling in lines to get a poem to sound good; each of those descriptions helps to indirectly qualify the experiences that the advertisement is promising. For example, by saying that their hair will become rootless as they work night in day, you're evoking an image that is much more powerful than simply conveying a description of what they did.

Overall, I think this is a good poem and a professional one. The only thing I would consider changing is the bit in the 4th stanza and the rhyme scheme in the 5th.

[LogoDaedalus]

A professional work? Perhaps not quite, but it is a solid journeyman piece. It is definitely one of your better examples of careful, controlled use of rhythm, and while the abab rhyme scheme is simple, it is effective. "Rootless" doesn't exactly rhyme with "purpose," nor "children" with "bargain," but I think you can get away with that.

There are a couple of lines which don't seem to fit or make sense:
"We confirm morality's presence"
I can grasp the meaning of that line, but the phrasing is a little awkward as you wedge that line into the rhyme scheme.
"And your sanity for the fresh"
I admit, I'm not sure what that means. The fresh what?

As far as depth and message are concerned, I certainly do not find them lacking. Stanzas 1, 2, 5, and 6 are very strong and very incisive, capturing a miserable, exploited reality with the language of a salesman's pitch and making this a fairly acerbic satire. The weaselly wording in the third stanza, which vacillates between "We promise...but we won't back it up" reinforces the sordidness of the trade. And particularly the line, "Lock them up for serving their purpose," speaks directly to the hopelessness of the women's position.

So, with a minor revision to clean up those awkward wordings/forced rhymes, I would judge this to be a publishable piece.

[S. Michael Long]

uuuuggghh.. wow.. yeah.. what can i say.. first.. Amazing, second, change 4 grand to Four Grand.. (emphasize the payment or cost) Find a seductive way to use the violation of flesh in the 16th stanza, i feel like i need to be teased there.. like i want you to ensure me that purchasing violated flesh is part of the offer, and not part of the way i feel after buying.. the 20th stanza, i wished you would say, "lock them up to preserve them to serve your purpose.. (i feel like when i read it, you are assuming i feel a certain way.. (which is true, but i dont know that others would feel the same way.) Mistreatment, should fuel, the fire, as, the slave driver should ignite it, cinnamon, isnt bitter its spicy,, maybe use morphine, or some other narcotic, to describe the bitterness, as all narcotics are bitter and would have been used to subdue slaves, including alcohol.. (though alcohol.. i don't think is a narcotic.. lol) their satisfaction is not the desire, unless im reading it wrong, it should be, my satisfaction is your desire, i get what you are trying to say, but i loose it in the context, it is a brilliant poem reflecting the torture of slavery.. i loved reading it (: -s

[Mockingbird]

i enjoyed reading this poem. it's clever and witty. to much criticism is overly gratuitous. we ultimately write for ourselves, it is our own art that we offer to others. it is creative and it shows the sad reality of what goes on. it confronts the issue and is nicely expressed through poetry. great job!

[Shep]

Loved the story poem. I felt it had pasion and depth even tho it was comical. It was still true. I would have liked to have read some of your other poems to see the growth to have something to compare. Again very well written.

[Coyote Poetry]

A poem with a sad tale. You said a lot in so few words. Slavery in any form is wrong. You create a vision of a woman who had work as her only purpose. I like the feel and the ending. No weakness in this amazing poem.
Coyote