Eternal Sleep

When reality becomes too intense to handle...

Every night eager to put myself to sleep,

Cover myself from the monsters under my bed.

Turn the lights out. Count black sheep,

When closeted Fiends crawl into my head.

 

Truth is daunting. Existence is a nightmare.

Drains the residue of my morality.

Insomnia chooses to play unfair,

Imprisons my mind in this reality.

 

Covet a realm of sweet dreams

In custody of supernal authorities.

In pitch darkness, His lullaby gleams,

Hypnotizing demons to infernal sororities.

 

My source of happiness is obvious and cheap,

I want you to put me to an eternal sleep.

Author's Note

Please give me full analysis and review of my poetry, style, techniques and so on. I'd like to know if I achieved what I set to achieve and what I've done incorrectly so I can improve :)

Reviews

[LogoDaedalus]

A Shakespearean sonnet, written to sleep. You're definitely mastering the classical forms of poetry. ( It's not precisely Shakespeare's mode, since the iambic pentameter is sometimes broken up by dactyls [long-short-short] and trochees [long-short], but the rhyme scheme is definitely in the Bard's style.)

The lines that end with two stressed syllables ("black sheep," "nightmare," "sweet dreams") I find especially effective, because the way those syllables draw the line out give it a longing, almost pleading tone. It's good that you don't use that device in every line -- that would get very repetitive -- but the way you use it sparingly is a great touch.

Your use of punctuation, pauses, and caesurae seems much more deliberately crafted in this poem, compared to some of your other poems. The one line I question is in the second stanza: "Drains the residue of my morality." The way it reads, it sounds like you're saying that drains, as in bathtub drains, are the residue of your morality, but I don't think that's quite what you were going for. I assume that your intended meaning was that existence is draining your morality (feel free to correct me), in which case you might try those lines like this:
"Truth is daunting. Existence is a nightmare --
Drains the residue of my morality."
Ending that first line with a dash, not a period, would keep that pause but show that the second line is still talking about existence (not bathtubs).

The imagery throughout is dark, the language sophisticated, and the final couplet is just excellent in both its technical and emotional execution. The direct, simple language in those two lines is a great counterpoint to the more verbose lines above, and a good way to end the sonnet.

On an unrelated note, this poem puts me in mind of "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, one of my favourite songs from a very early age.

[Matty Bosox]

Well I must say that I am sorry and I should beat myself up.....For not reading this sooner!!!! This was absolutely brilliant in every my friend....I didn't realize there could be such a beauty in sleep....But you make it so apparent with this write...The thing that is great about this is the fact that 85% of the population will positively relate to your words....It seems life sucks so everybody anymore and nobody wants to live in this harsh reality....You words are cutting sharp and hard to the core....Your relationship to the reader is point on...and well Just excellent stuff my friend!!! Keep it up!!!

[House of Immite]

Hahaha I'm extremely flattered :) Thanks a lot!!

[Matty Bosox]

I take pride in reviewing for people...I try to make it very in depth and as informative as possible....I know that for a writer, reviews are what we all look for...Its a writing fuel that keeps us going....Don't worry I will get to more of your works soon my friend...Keep it up!!!